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Transcripts of Rail Evening Bent

Here they are, the Rail Evening Bent Transcripts.

Please note that these were all works of acted out fiction, and the actions of the characters portrayed do not represent the actions of the people who acted them out. Also note that some of these transcripts are not for the faint hearted, either. With that in mind, head on or go back to the Rail Evening Bent page

1 - Can I Be Bothered?
2 - The Eee Bee Episode Song
3 - Gah-Lobe-Alization
4 - Book Songs - Medea
5 - Cat's On LSD
6 - Flurph
7 - Typicality Factor
8 - Rail Evening Bent (Interlude)
9 - Book Songs - Project
10 Aussie Mafia
11 Barry's Arse
12 Angry Friends
13 Andy Derivative
14 Book Songs - Latrobe
15 People People People

01 - Can I Be Bothered

Written by Matt Quarterstein, Dean Woodward & Sam Nicson

Note: There was background music in this piece. To hear it click here

Matt: We got to do a bloody intro.
Dean: Bloody intro, aw what?
Sam: Aw, can we be bothered?
Dean: Nah.
Matt: Nah.
Dean: Cause I'm tired
Sam: (fed up) Aw, far out...
Dean: I'm tired I tell you. Tired!
Sam: I'm pissed.
Dean: Tired!
(Music begins and everyone now sings)
Matt: Can I be bothered? Can I be bothered?
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: No way.
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: Okay.
Matt: Can I be bothered? Can I be bothered?
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: No way.
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: Okay.
Matt: Can I be bothered? Can I be bothered?
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: No way.
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: Okay.
Matt: Can I be bothered? Can I be bothered?
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: No way.
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: Okay.
Matt: Can I be bothered? Can I be bothered?
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: No way.
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: Okay.
Matt: (shouting) CAN I BE BOTHERED? CAN I BE BOTHERED?
Dean: (shouting) JOIN THE GANG!
Sam: No way.
Dean: JOIN THE GANG!
Sam: Okay.
Matt: (screaming, almost crying) CAN I BE BOTHERED? CAN I BE BOTHERED?
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: No way.
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: Okay
Matt: (in lilting, crying voice) Can I be bothered? Can I be bothered?
Dean: (in Jon Davis voice) Join the gang.
Sam: No way.
Dean: (in Jon Davis voice) Join the gang.
Sam: Okay.
Matt: (through crying) Can I be bothered? Can I be bothered? (weeps)
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: No way
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: Okay.
Matt: (lethargic) Can I be bothered? Can I be bothered?
Dean: Join the gang.
Sam: No way
Dean: Join the gang
Sam: Okay
Matt: I really can't be bothered, you know.
Dean: Yeah, neither can I.
Matt: Oh, I don't know what to do.
Sam: Keep goin'
Matt: All right. (out of tune) Can I be bothered? Can I be bothered?
Dean: Nup!
Matt: Nah, I can't do this. Nah, stuff it!
Sam: Go!

02 - The Eee Bee Episode Song

Written by Matt Quarterstein, Dean Woodward & Sam Nicson

Click here for a MIDI version of the kind of beatboxing that Dean & Sam do

Sam: How do we start it?
(Dean mumbles)
Matt: I don't know, just start.
Dean: Yeah.
Matt: Go... go with the drums'n'bass
Sam: Ok.
Dean: All right.
Sam: Count of three?
Matt: Yep.
Sam: And a 1... and a 2... and a 1, 2, and 3
(Dean and Sam start beatboxing. Dean is a kick drum and Sam is a TR-909 hi-hat. Sam then starts knocking on wood with his knuckles)
Matt: Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh Eeh Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh Eeh Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh Eeh Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh Eeh Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh Eeh Eeh Eeh Eeh Eeh Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeeeeeeeeeh! In EB Episode 1.
(more beatboxing)
Matt: In EB Episode 1.
(more beatboxing)
Matt: In EB Episode 1.
(more beatboxing)
Matt: In EB Episode 1, they said "variable".
(more beatboxing)
Matt: They said "variable".
(more beatboxing)
Matt: They said "variable".
(more beatboxing)
Matt: They said... "variable". In EB Episode 1.
(more beatboxing)
Matt: In EB Episode 1.
(more beatboxing)
Matt: In EB Episode 1, they said "variable".
(more beatboxing)
Matt: They said "variable". "Variable!"
(more beatboxing)
Matt: In EB Episode 1.
(more beatboxing)
Matt: EB Episode 1.
(more beatboxing)
Matt: In EB Episode 1, they said "variable".
(more beatboxing)
Matt: They said "variable".
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Now, how about the Andy Derivative?
(more beatboxing)
Sam: Yeah!
(Matt laughs, and Sam and Dean continue to beatbox)
Dean: (takes a breath)
(Sam and Dean continue to beatbox)
Matt: Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh Eeh Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh! Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh! Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh! Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh Eeh Eeh Eeh Eeh Eeh Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Sam: (in a trumpet kind of voice) Doo-di-doo doo doo doo-de-do. Dede! Doo-di-doo doo doo doo-de-do. Dede! Doo-di-doo doo doo doo-de-do. Dede! Doo de di di di di di di di di di di di di di di di! Doo-di-doo doo doo doo-de-do. Doo-di-doo doo doo doo-de-do. Doo-di-doo doo doo doo-de-do. Doo de di doo de di doo de di doo-doo dede doo.
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Old footage!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Old footage!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Old footage inserted into the track! Old footage inserted into the track! Old footage inserted into the track!
(Matt, Dean and Sam crack up laughing)
Sam: I'm just...
Matt: You just gotta regain your composure...
Sam: All right. Ready?
(Dean clears his throat)
Matt: This is the middle of the track where...
Sam: All right, we're middle of the track, so we have to keep goin'.
Dean: Ok, yeah. It has to be instrumental. Yeah!
Sam: Ok, you ready?
Matt: Yeah
Sam: Ok, I'll get my best goin'.
(Sam takes a breath)
(Dean and Sam start beatboxing)
Matt: Eeeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: (louder) EEH!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: (violent) EEHHHH!
(Dean begins to laugh, Sam continues to beatbox)
Matt: (gurgling) EEGGGHHHHHH!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh!
(more beatboxing, then Matt makes a turkey noise, then more beatboxing from Dean and Sam. Matt then takes a breath)
Matt: Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing, Dean stuffs up but keeps going)
Matt: Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh! Eeh!
Sam: Doo di-di doo doo doooo!
Matt: Eeh! Eeh!
Sam: Doo di-di doo doo deee!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh... (coughs, then starts laughing)
Dean: Whoa-hor! (laughs)
Matt: Another... weird silence!
Dean: Interlude!
(Sam and Dean laugh)
Dean: (in high-pitched voice) There is another interlude...
Matt: How are you going?
(Sam and Dean laugh)
Sam: Good to hear! All right! Back to the song! Ready!
(Sam drumrolls by knocking on wood, then Dean and Sam's beatboxing starts up again)
Matt: Eeh!
Sam: CRANK IT UP!
Matt: EEEH!
(Dean and Sam's beatboxing suddenly goes into a ridiculously fast tempo, then down to a slow tempo)
Matt: We get too many of these interludes.
(The slow beatboxing continues)
Sam: Now...
Matt: Too many.
Sam: Let's fasten up the beat.
Matt: Too many.
Sam: Neeeeeeehhhh!
Matt: Too many.
(Dean's beatboxing speeds up, then slows down)
Sam: Turn it down.
Matt: Too ma-ny
(slow beatboxing continues)
Matt: Too ma-ny
(slow beatboxing continues)
Matt: Too ma-ny
Sam: Normal.
(the beatboxing gets back to the standard tempo)
Matt: Too many.
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eh! Eeh! Eeh!
Sam: Yeah, mate!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eh! Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eh! Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eh! Eeh! Eeh! Eh! Eh! Eeh! Eeh! Eh! Eh! Eeh! Eeh! Eh! Eh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eh! Eeh! Eeh!
Sam: Yeah mate!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eh! Eeh! Eeh!
Sam: Yeah mate!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eh! Eeh! Eeh!
Sam: Yeah mate!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eh! Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eh! Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eh! Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Matt: Eh! Eeh! Eeh!
(more beatboxing)
Sam: Turn it down. Neeuuuw...
(Dean and Sam's beat boxing goes down in tempo)
Matt: One step left and one step right, and turn and twist and turn and twist.
(The tempo starts to increase)
Matt: One step left and one step right, and turn and twist and turn and twist. And one step left and one step right, and turn and twist and turn and twist. (takes a deep breath) And one step... (starts laughing) I have...
Sam: You think you have to take a breath?
(Dean laughs. Dean and Sam take a big breath)
Sam: Ready, here's the finish! (clears throat) You ready? On the count of three. And a one and a two and a three, go!
(The beatboxing starts up again, louder than before)
Matt: Eeh!
(beatboxing continues)
Matt: Eeeeh!
(beatboxing continues)
Matt: EEH!
(beatobxing continues, getting faster and louder)
Matt: EEEEEEHHH!
(beatboxing continues, ultra fast)
Matt: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Dean and Sam shout something incoherently)
Matt: Right.
Sam: Sam!
Matt: Yeah...

03 - Gah-Lobe-Alization

Written by Matt Quarterstein, Dean Woodward & Sam Nicson

PART I

Matt: So, you guys um... I heard something happened to you yesterday.
Sam: Yeah, well... um... hang on... (inhales)
Dean: Yeah. We...we had this like... ugly hag just attack us.
Sam: (exhaling) Here. Have it man. Have a bit of that
Dean: Aw. Ok
Sam: Anyway, what...
Matt: You shouldn't smoke in here, you know.
Dean: Aw, it doesn't...
Sam: It doesn't... doesn't matter, man.
Dean: (in stoned voice) Awww that's the best.
Sam: That's the only reason I'm in here.
Dean: That was good, yeah, that. Awww!
(Sam exhales)
Dean: Got me hits from that.
Sam: Aw, mate. Hits from the bong.
Dean: The bong?
Sam: Instead it's hits from the joint.
Matt: So what happened?
Dean: Bong? Yeah, bong. (inhales)
Sam: Anyway. All right, what happened is we were sitting down...
(Dean exhales)
Sam: Smoking our usual stuff...
Dean: Here's your stuff.
Sam: Thanks, man.
Dean: Yeah. Having... having our usual stuff and this stupid old hag...
Sam: Hag...
Dean: ...comes up, of course and aw...
Sam: Curly hair, dirty Adidas jacket...
Dean: Yeah, saying (in spazzo voice) "Hnnn Hnnn Hnnn Hnnn"
Sam: She goes (in spazzo voice) "What the f*ck are you saying to me? Erraugh"! And starts kicking the crap out of my head.
Dean: Yeah, and then, like, bashing me...
Sam: Yeah, like, all of a sudden... all of a sudden starts beatin' into Dean
Dean: Yeah and it was...
Sam: Even though I... even though he has no part of anything of what happened.
Dean: Yeah, I know and this...
Sam: We screamed "JOHNNY!"
Dean: "Johnny". Right in her face!
(Matt laughs)
Sam: We went "JOHNNNNY!"
Dean: And then what happens is... then what happens is then these two massive buffs come in...
Sam: And then they go...
Dean: And they start going like (deep voice) "Aw, yeah. I'm some big person". So what I do...
Sam: Gimme a hit! Gimme a hit!
Dean: Yeah, yeah. So what I do is I ask Sam for the mobile phone, cause I know me cousins.
Sam: (exhales) And then I give him the mobile phone...
Dean: Yeah, so and then we go...
Sam: No, near the mike!
Dean: (impersonating mobile) BIP! BIP! BIP!
Sam: No, no, no. Push the...
Dean: BIP! BIP! BIP!
Sam: PUSH THE BUTTON! Nah. Wait, wait it's like this! What... what... what number did we call?
Dean: I think it's 555-I'M-A-LOSER
(SFX: A mobile phone dialing that number)
Sam: And what happened?
Dean: Yeah
Sam: What... what was the conversation again?
Dean: Well, the conversation was...
Sam: Yeah, ow, ay...
Dean: The conversation was...
Sam: Here we go, here we go...
Dean: All right...
Sam: Wait, it's ringing.
Dean: All right, ok.

PART II

(N.B. Dean and Sam talk with high pitched wog voices)
Sam: Carlos!
Dean: Yeah, mate!
Sam: Yeah. How are ya?
Dean: Yeah, mate. Look, mate, I'll put you onto Marlowe, mate, because I'm just having a bong right now, mate. I'm not ready, mate...
Sam: No... No problem, mate. I'm just smoking a joint, myself
Dean: Mate...All right...Yeah, that's good, mate.
Sam: Dean, me mate, is here with me.
Dean: All right, mate. That's good, mate
Sam: Ok.
Dean: All right. Do you want Marlowe?
Sam: Yeah, all right.
Dean: All right, mate. (puts on even higher pitched voice) Yeah, mate!
Sam: Yeah um... Marlowe.
Dean: Yeah mate, we got... we got a knock at the door, I think
Matt: Can't come in, mate.
Dean: Mate. Yeah, hit the street, all right? Mate.
Sam: All right, Marlowe!
Dean: W..w..w..what do you want mate?
Sam: Marlowe, I need you to come help me out. We got some crazy broad after us...
Dean: The... the... the... (impersonating girls voice) Some crazy broad? (laughs) Sorry?
Sam: W..w..what's happening, mate? You been smoking too much?
Dean: Sorry mate. I was... er... I.. I'm just having a current bong at this current moment. We're having a bong session...
Sam: Ok, look mate...
Dean: We have like 20 bongs...
Sam: We have no time for this. We have...
Dean: Because we got 20 cars in the driveway...
Sam: Listen, we've got... we got two big buffs and a broad chasing after us.
Dean: All right, mate. Now don't worry, mate. Look, what we'll do is we got this deal for you. You ring the number, right? Now after you've rung the number, you get over to our telephone chick, mate...
(N.B. Matt, from now on has a big echoey voice)
Matt: AND LISTEN TO ME!
Dean: Mate, yeah. Ok, mate.
(Sam laughs)
Dean: That... that... that...
Sam: Who was that in the background, mate?
Matt: I AM ANNE!
Sam: ANNNNNE!
Dean: T...that's one of our bong people. They provide the bongs for us.
Sam: Awww! Ok! So she's...
Matt: BONGS ARE GOOD!
Dean: Yes.
Sam: So she kills the people, obviously.
Dean: She wears Globes.
Sam: She's one of those...
Dean: She wears Gah-Lobes
Sam: Awwwww! She's so cool!
Dean: Yes, she wears Globes...
Matt: I AM COOL AND PHAT!
Sam: YOU WEAR GLOBES!
Dean: The thing is, she wears Globes all over her. The Globes are all over her.
Sam: Awww! So they're attached to her ears. She's got Globe earrings too?
Dean: Yeah, yeah. Globe earrings...
Sam: Yeah, alright mate...
Dean: She has Globe hair, Globe hair...
Sam: (trying not to laugh) Oh ok, mate. What I need... What? The laces?
Dean: (laughs) No, no the sh...
Sam: The shoes?
Dean: The shoes, mate. The wheels are shoes.
Sam: Awwww!
Dean: Because she's... on... on her watch is a mag. You know, a wheel? The mag on the wheel is her watch
Matt: LOOK!
Sam: Whoa!
Dean: See mate? Even though you cannot look...
Sam: Alright, mate. Mate, listen! We don't have time for talk... discussing shoes and tyres. And SS Commodores.
Dean: Nah I wa...
Sam: All right.
Dean: SS Commodores...
Sam: and we don't have time to talk about Globe hair! All right?
(Dean laughs)
Sam: I need you to get over here with a few of your mates, all right? No, no. Just a few, I don't need you to come half...
Dean: All right, 20 cars, mate. All right, 20 cars I'll have...
Sam: 20 cars, just a few?
Dean: Nah, nah, nah. 50 cars, mate.
Sam: 50 cars, just a few.
Dean: We gotta make... nah... we gotta make 100 cars, mate.
Sam: (laughing) 100 cars.
Dean: 100 cars. Now we got this new SS Commodore model coming out.
Sam: Yeah?
Dean: On the wheels...
Sam: Mate, is it even in Australia yet, mate.
Dean: Mate!
Sam: Because you come up with sh*t that I don't even know about.
Dean: The black... the black market mafia, right? I get Mark's cousin, right. H...his name's Noel Ray...
(Sam exhales)
Dean: ...he get's anything off the black market, mate. And we got these new SS Commodores, the wheels are Globes.
Sam: They're Globes?
Dean: (laughing) Wheels...
Sam: Globes, new... new Dartun Globes.
Dean: The wheels are globes...
Sam: Wheels. They're made out of Globe shoes.
Dean: And mate, the whole car...
Sam: Melted into a mould...
Dean: The whole car is made of mag
Sam: Mag?
Matt: THAT SOUNDS PHAT!
Dean: Mate it's... it's...
Sam: It's Anne! Again, man. She sounds sooo hot!
Dean: Mate, yeah. She is...
Matt: I AM HOT!
Sam: UNNNHH!
Dean: Aw, mate. You should see her...
Sam: Mate, listen to me. We got this broad chasing after us. She's kicking into me right now...
Dean: Mate, all right!
Sam:... cause I said "JOHNNY!"
Dean: I said 100 cars, mate.
Sam: I said "Johnny!" and she's kicking into me right now. She's hitting into... she's hitting into my mate, too. Ok, so get over here.
Dean: Listen, mate. We'll... we'll... we'll bring 20 million cars full of Maori, big buffs. Mate, they're all wearing Globes.
Sam: Ok. Come over here and kick arse, we need you now.
Dean: Alright, yep. Yep mate!

04 - Book Songs - Medea

Read/Sung by Matt Quarterstein, Dean Woodward and Sam Nicson
Based on the work "Medea" by Euripides

Dean: All right. "A bad precedent all round, yes it's true. Enough! But... don't imagine things will end as"...
(Sam screams)
Dean: Oh! Now...
Sam: What?
Dean: We've started.
(Matt laughs)
Dean: We'll still continue.
(Dean and Sam laugh)
Dean: ..."trials are yet to"...
Matt: (mumbles) ...in bootlegging...
Dean: ..."for this new addled pair. Nor shall those nearest to them"... you're going to have to um... just do the tune.
(Sam starts making heavy metal guitar noises)
Dean: "DON'T THINK I WOULD EVER have fawned onto this man except to gain my purpose, carry out my schemes. Not one more touch... one... not one... (laughs) ...more word... yet he ow... y... but what a fool. But banishing me at once he could have thought me utterly inside he always mean to remain one day. Today three... of my enemies I shall strike dead, father and daughter and my HUSBAAAND! I AM IN THE MIDDLE..."
(Matt starts shouting incoherently)
Dean: "OF THE DEATH OF..."
(Sam joins in, shouting incoherently)
Dean: I DON'T KNOW! NOTHING! OH!
(Matt and Sam stop shouting)
Dean: "Should I set fire to the house? And I burn a burial chamber or creep up to the bed and drive the sharp knife through the GUTS! AND THERE..."
(Matt and Sam start shouting incoherently again)
Dean: "...THERE IS ONE FEAR."
Sam: (laughing) Fear!
Dean: "IF I COULD entering through the house then..." I'm lost... there we go! "The best is different ways. Which most of suits my bent to kill position..."
Sam: POISON!
Dean: DOOOR! "SO any say they are dead..."
Matt: Medea, yeah!
Sam: Medea!
Dean: YEAH!
Sam: JASON! JASON!
Dean: "What city will receive from me."
Sam: (laughing) Jason...
Matt: Let it be Athens!
Sam: Arggh! Athens! In Greece! Greeece!
Dean: "What friend will guarantee my safety. Offer land and home and sanctuary"
Matt: AEGEUS!
Dean: UTTERMOST!
Matt: AEGEUS!
Dean: UTTERMOST!
Matt: AEGEUS!
Dean: UTTERMOST!
Sam: YEAH! MEDEA!
Dean: UTTERMOST!
Matt: AEGEUS! AEGEUS!
Dean: UTTERMOST!
Matt: MEDEA!
Sam: GREECE!
Dean: UTTERMOST!
Matt: MEDEA!
Sam: GREECE!
Dean: "For by Queen Hector who above all divinities. I venture my chosen accompli to the prese... presence of my central SHALL HURT ME AND NOT SUFFER FOR IT! LET ME!"
Sam: DIV INITIES!
Dean: "IN BITTERNESS!"
Sam: IN BTTERNESS THEY ALLLL!
(Dean and Sam start coughing)
Dean: I have now lost me voice!
(Sam laughs)
Matt: Swear a lot now...
Sam: F*ck!!
Dean: You're a f*cking bastard!
Sam: You cock sucker!
Dean: This is up!

05 - Cat's On LSD

Written by Matt Quarterstein

(N.B. This is a song, and is sung)
(SFX: FM Synthesized gutiar)
Matt: Hey, y'all wanna hear a good old auzzie bush song?
(SFX: Kids cheering)
Matt: All right! Ah 1. Ah 2. Ah 1, 2, 3, 4...
(SFX: FM Synthesized electric gutiar)
Matt: Ohh...
I had a cat
Thinks he's a bee
He flys around from tree to tree.
The cat's on LSD
(SFX: Organ hit)
Matt: I had a dog
He was pretty hot
But somehow, he lost the plot
My dog's been smoking pot.
(SFX: Organ hit)
Matt: I had a duck
But he don't quack
Just sits around, says the world is black.
My duck's been shooting smack.
(SFX: Organ hit)
Matt: I had a cow
Wants to be free
Listens to mm-tt mm-tt crap all day
My cows on Ecstacy.
(SFX: Organ hit)
Matt: I have a farm
But not very soon
The government says I've got til noon
Then this is an injecting room.
(SFX: Organ hit)
(SFX: Kids cheering)
Matt: Actually, thats rather depressing isn't it?
(Matt puts on a nerdy, politician voice)
Matt: Sounds like you're an addict, want some?
(SFX: Alien injection)
Matt: Agggggghh!
(Matt puts on nerd voice again)
Matt: That first one is free, but the rest'll cost ya. Bleaaaaah! Eeh!

06 - Flurph

Written by Matt Quarterstein, Dean Woodward and Sam Nicson

PART I (Flurph Song)

Dean: Look, it's Flurph!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Grrr!
Dean: Mmmmm... Hgggn!
Sam: Hggn!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Hggn!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Hggn!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Hggggggn! Flurph!
Dean: Flurph! Flurph Flurph! Flurrrrph! Hggn!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Flurrrph!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Fluuurph!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Flurph! Fluuuuurph!
Dean: Flurph! Flurph! Flurph! Flurph! Flurph! Flurph! Flurph Flurph! Flurph! Flurph!
Sam: Hgggn! Hggn! Hgggn! Hgggn!
Dean: Flurph! Flurph! Flurph!
Sam: Fla-Fla-Flurrrph!
Dean: Flurph!
Sam: Fla-Fla-Flurph!
Dean: Flurph!
(A beat made by knocking on wood is heard)
Sam: Flurph! Flurrrrph!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Flurrrrph!
Dean: Hgggn! Hggn! Hgggn!
Sam: Flurrrph! Flurrrph!
Dean: Hgggn! Hgggn! Hggn!
Sam: Flurph! Flaba-Fla-Fla-Flurph!
Dean: Flurph!
Sam: Flurrrrgh! Woof! Hggn!
Dean: Flurph! Flurph! Flurph!!
Sam: Flurrrgh!
Dean: Flurph!
Sam: Hggn!
Dean: Flurph!
Sam: Flurrrgh!
Dean: Flurph!
Sam: Hggn! Flueaaggh!
Dean: Flurph! Flurph! Flurph!
Sam: Hggn!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Hggn!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Flurph!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Flurph!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Flurph!
Sam: Flurph Flurph Flurph!
(A page is heard to turn)
Dean: Flurph! Flurph! Flurph Flurph Flurph! Flurrrrrph!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Flurph Flurph Flurph! Flurrrrph! Flurph!
Sam: Hggn!
Dean: Hggn! Hgggn! Hgggn!
Sam: Hgggn!
Dean: Flurph! Flurph! Flurph Flurph Flurph! Flurph! Flurph! Flurph Flurph Flurph! Flurph! Flurph! Flurph Flurph Flurph! Flurph!
Sam: Hgggn! Hgg-hggg-Hnnn!
Dean: Fluuurph! Fluurph!
Sam: Flurph! Flurph!
Dean: Flur-Flur-Flur-Flurph! Flur-Flur-Flur-Flurph!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Hgggn!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Flurph Flurph Flurph!
Dean: Hgggn! Hgggn! Hgggn!
Sam: Flurph! Flur-Flur-Flurph! Flurph!
Dean: Fluuurrrph!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Flurrr-uurr-urrr-urrr-Flurrrrrrrrrrph!
Sam: Hgggn! Hgggn!
Dean: Hggn!
Sam: Hggn!
Dean: Hgggn!
Sam: Hgggn!
Dean: Hgggn!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Hgggn!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Hgggn!
Sam: Flurph! Flur-Flurph!
Dean: FLAAAAWWWPH! Flurph Flurph Flurph!
Sam: Flurph!
Dean: Flurph! Eeh!

PART II (Deen)

(The sound of everyone's voices in this part are a little twisted and bizarre)
Dean: (dopily) Dean! Just say something in the microphone, ok? W...w...w...what...what...what?
Matt: Like this!
(A long drawn out raspberry noise is heard for quite some time)

PART III (Encyclopedia of Flurph)

Matt: Welcome to the Flurph Audio.
Dean: Flurph!
Matt: Whether you got this by cassette, or CD...
Dean: CD!
Matt: Or MPEG 1.0 Layer 3...
Dean: Layer 3...
Matt: Audiooo...
Dean: Visual... No visual, actually...
Matt: Yes.
Dean: Yes.
Matt: Well, I bet you thought there was one kind of Flurph...
Dean: Well, this is an encyclopedia of all the different types of Flurph.
Matt: First, there is Flurphs with a very fat face but a...
Matt & Dean: Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very...
Matt: ...big flurph!
Dean: Big Flurph!
Matt: There's also a...
Matt & Dean: Very, very, very, very, very, very...
Matt: ...very...
Dean: ...very...
Matt: ...very...
Dean: ...very...
Matt: ...very...
Matt & Dean: Small flurph!
Dean: Which they look like the normal Flurphs, but are very, very, very small.
Matt: Yes.
Dean: Hm. Very...
Matt: We're talking to Henry the Vane. He...
Dean: Henry the Vane...
Matt: He bred Flurphs...
Dean: He bred Flurphs!
Matt: ...for the first time. You're Henry the Vane.
(Dean's voice becomes gruff and authoratitive)
Dean: Yes. Henry the Vane. Yes. Before Andy Derivative, I did have a small Flurph! There are many different types of Flurph. You got the very, very, very, small Flurph, you got the standard Flurph, you've even got, we're going for, the inverse of a Flurph!
Matt: An inverse Flurph? That's Flurph to the negative one?
Dean: Yes, Flurph to the negative one. What a Flurph to the negative one is, it's an anti-Flurph. Now, an anti-Flurph is not a Flurph, it's an anti-Flurph!
Matt: What is an anti-Flurph?
Dean: An anti-Flurph is a cat.
Matt: It's a cat. That's great! There's also a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY, very, very, very, very, very, very... help me out here. Very...
Dean: Very, very, very,
Matt & Dean: Very, very, very, very, very, VERY, very, very, very, very, very...
Matt: ...good Flurph!
Dean: Good Flurph! A very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very good Flurph.
Matt: ...a very good Flurph!
Dean: That is a very good Flurph.
Matt: A Flurph is a Flurph!
Dean: It's a Flurph because it's a very good Flurph because of the colour. It's a very good Flurph...
Matt: It'd make a good Flurph?
Dean: It'd make a good Flurph!
Matt: How do you... how do you make a good Flurph?
Dean: You make a good Flurph by breeding it a good Flurph.
Matt: Do you have to... do you have to be a very, very, very, very, very, ver... ve... very, ve... ve...
Dean: Very?
Matt: Ve... ve... VERY, very...
Dean: Very?
Matt: Ve... ve... very, very good Flurph breeder?
Dean: Yes, you need to be a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very good Flurph breeder. If you're not a very, very, very, very, very good Flurph breeder, well then it's not going to be a very, very, very good Flurph. It'd be a very, very, very bad Flurph. Which is not a good Flurph, Flurph, very, Flurph breeder.
Matt: Flurph.
Dean: Flurph!
Matt: Flurph!
Dean: Flurph! Y'see, my Flurph, the original Flurph is an average Flurph... (mumbles)
Matt: A very, very, very, very, very, very...
Dean: Average Flurph!
Matt: Average Flurph!
Dean: Average Flurph, yes!
Matt: Very Flurph, average. Very Flurph.
Dean: Yes. We have a very normal Flurph that's a different colour variation, but the very, very, very, very average Flurph is a very traditional brown.
Matt: Since you're so good about... er... Flurphs, Henry the Vane...
Dean: Yes.
Matt: You reckon you could breed me a very, very, very, very tall Flurph?
Dean: A very, very, very, very tall Flurph? Yes, that's my speciality lately. But we have this problem, see? Since I've been starting eating mirrors. The Flurph's have been coming up with mirrors on their backs. Now THIS turns them into a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, tall Flurph with a mirror on it's back.
Matt: Very, very, very, very...
Dean: Very.
Matt: Reflective Flurph.
Dean: Yes, yes! That's right! A very, very, very, very, very reflective Flurph...
Matt: Tune in next week, we're running out of time...
Dean: Yes, we are, cause Flurph...
Matt: So get the next audio installation. Flurph!

07 - Typicality Factor

Written By Matt Quarterstein

(N.B. Matt does all the voices in this piece, so the character names have been listed instead)
(ASSISTANT is Matt speaking in a helium soaked voice)
(FORTRANSYTHE is Matt speaking like a bad David Attenborough impersonator)
(HANDY is Matt with a bad "Mr Bean" voice)
(PRESIDENT is Matt doing a bad "Forrest Gump" impression)
(POLITICIANS have high pitched voices)
(MILITARY is Matt trying to sound menacing)

PART I

(SFX: Walking with clunky shoes)
(SFX: A home phone ringing three times)
(SFX: The clunky shoes continuing to walk while the phone rings)
(SFX: A tapping on plastic)
Assistant:: Its your phone, not ours. Just thought I'd make that clear!
(SFX: Clunky shoes walking away)
(SFX: A harm strumming)

PART II

(SFX: Door opening)
Assistant:: Mr Fortransythe-Bachelor-of-Science!
Fortransythe: Ah, my dutiful Assistant! What brings you here!
Assistant:: Its the newspapers, Mr Fortransythe-Bachelor-of-Science. They say you have made an incredible, controversial, fanataical discovery. I knew it was a hoax, because you didn't tell me and...
Fortransythe: Oh, but I DID make a incredible discovery. I was so excited that I forgot to call you first before I contacted the scientific community. I'm so sorry. He! He! I guess I'd better show you, then?
Assistant:: Yes please, Mr Fortransythe-Bachelor-of-Science!
Fortransythe: Well, let's head to the obligatory secret part of my lab, shall we?
(SFX: A jangle of keys)
(SFX: Harp strumming)

PART III

(SFX: A door knob being turned, then a vaccuum sealed door opened)
(SFX: A "bworp" noise)
Assistant:: (points to strainer) Is this your new discovery?
Fortransythe: Yes, the er... end product of it, you might say. I discovered my discovery in the local Cultural Centre, where a chess tournament and basketball game were going on at the same time there... I was eating a banana, and got so excited that dropped the peel right in the middle of the hall to the change rooms. Both the chess tournament and the basketball finished at the same time and were heading right in the way of the peel. The basketballers came first and walked smack-bang on the peel, (amazed) but not one of them tripped over, much to my relief. But as the majestic chess players came they all tripped over it and had terrible accidents.
Assistant:: That's amazing!
Fortransythe: Mmm, I know. This inspired me to do a little experiment. I crushed up some banana peels into thick paste, and smeared it all over the entrance to the Cultural Centre and watched to see who would walk through it. Some people tripped over, others didn't at all. There were even extremes, like people tripping, then their appendix bursting as well as sliding all the way over to the other side of the centre and smashing through a window; and others who just slid to stop a robbery in the centre and getting rewarded. It was incredible findings indeed! Assistant:: (tad impatient) I'm sure it was. But how did you get to inventing this thing?
(SFX: A "bworp" noise)
Fortransythe: Well, I recorded reams of data from the people who stepped on the banana paste. Their name, gender, occupation, facial appearance, IQ, weight, awards, parasites hosted, amount of shoelaces in the house, favourite colour, TV show & scientific journal and whether or not they had a lawyer and/or insurance, (quickly and quietly) but that was more for my own benefit than for science. etc, etc, etc...(normal) Ahem! Anyway, to cut this long thesis short - I discovered that certain attributes of a person contributed to their odds in sliding on the paste. Intellegence would increase the chance, fitness decrease it, as well as liking or dislike of coffee, spandex, rollerblading, chickpeas, etc, etc, etc. I discovered a contstant between the data and the odds themselves, and was able to to come up with a single figure which determined what kind of events happened to them, what was typical of their life, if you will. With this, I call my discovery, the TYPICALITY FACTOR! It makes everything make so much sense! Its why nerds trip over all the time, and why cricketers always dive for a ball and never, ever break any bones. Physics and Biology has been rewritten this day!
Assistant:: (bored) Exciting, but WHY THE MACHINE?
Fortransythe: Oh, I figured that with the understanding of the Typicality Factor, I could benefit the world by reducing it in human beings. The "TF" Helmet you see there is a mix of simple inventions most would find around the average household, such as the Thought-Control-Device, IQ booster, Automatic-Body-Builder, Time Machine, Shrinking Machine, and Element Transformer. By using these together in the "TF" helmet, you can temporarily alter ones personality to prevent accidents, mishaps and even embarrasing moments. I put the patent on it yesterday, which is why it was in the paper!
Assistant:: You'll make millions, politicians can now be like gods
Fortransythe: Intellectuals can now be popstars.
Assistant:: Or comedians, by a increase of Typicality Factor could make them more accident prone.
Assistant::Y-Y'know, so they could trip over more bananas... slapstick...
Fortransythe: Well!
Assistant:: Well! (laughs) Ahem! But couldn't this TF helmet also be used for evil, by making people more goofy and accident prone?
Fortransythe: With new inventions, you must take the good with the bad. Did Alexander Graham Bell expect his beloved telephone to be used as a stalking device? Or did the first theif expect that instead of making a living from robbery, he'd get arrested? You fear the unknown, as most humans do. Now you must excuse me, I must go to the loo.
(SFX: Door knob quickly turning and vaccum door opening)
Assistant:: Bye! Now, this TF helmet must not get into the wrong hands.
(SFX: Window breaking)
(SFX: Slide whistle making a rising tone)
Handy: Excuse me!
Assitant: Oh, sorry, of course!
Handy: Thank You.
(SFX: Slide whiste making a falling tone)
(SFX: Echoey knock on wood)

PART IV

(SFX: A large bubble popping)
Fortransythe: What have I done?
(SFX: A large bubble popping)
(SFX: A tense synthesizer chord)

PART V

(SFX: "Relaxing" synthesized acoustic guitar notes)
President: I would like to thank you all for electing me as your President. I would like to start my term in office by raising the taxes for all those who didn't vote for me...
(SFX: Crowd booing)
(SFX: Slide whistle going down in pitch)
(SFX: The echoey knock on wood - the TF helmet sound)
President: Eeh! Ih!
(SFX: Crowd booing)
Handy: I am a terrorist, unless you cater to my demands then I will make you all very, very dangerous people to live with. You will also stub your toes a lot and probably need special pediatric shoes to cope, even on the beach! To show I am not joking, I will increase the typicality factor of these three politicians.
(SFX: The echoey knock on wood - the TF helmet sound, 3 times)
Politicians: Eeh! Eeh! Eeh!
President: (grunting) This means war. Take that you!
(SFX: Girly slaps)
President: Ow! I hit myself!

PART VI

Military: I am buff
(SFX: The TF helmet noise)
Military: I am buff
(SFX: The TF helmet noise)
Military: I am buff
(SFX: The TF helmet noise)
Handy: So war it was. Us terrorists created a Super Race from the Typicality Factor Helmets. Men who could never have a mishap, not even on a hot date!
(SFX: A laser gun firing)
Politicians: Eeh! Eeh! Eeh!
(SFX: a hollow sound, then a squishy sound, then a squishier sound)
Handy: We also invented Typicality Factor weaponry. With these, we took over the world completely, the people of it our slaves. But what was the point, they kept tripping over their own chains!

PART VII

Fortransythe: (sorrowful) Look at this apocalypse I have brought upon the Earth. (cheers up) Still, its better this way for science. No more genetic engineering! All the scientists are too clumsy to inject anything into any cells. Not saying they were'nt terribly clumsy before, all part of the typicality factor...

08 - Rail Evening Bent (Interlude)

Written by Matt Quarterstein, Dean Woodward & Sam Nicson

PART I

Matt: This is the track uh... Rail Evening Bent and it's... named after the "album" title, or the "album" title's named after this.
Sam: Even though it has nothing to do with any of the "songs" that are on the "album" unlike other artists, and other CDs...
Dean: That this looks like a shower cap!
(Sam laughs)
Matt: What are you talking about? You see, this is what I mean...
Dean: Well...
Sam: See...
Matt: It's got NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!
Sam: It... It always goes "off the damn track" (coughing words) Name of the next record...
Dean: Yeah...
Matt: You can't say that!
(Sam laughs)
Dean: Buy the next record, the next record is good.
Sam: Yes!
Dean: (hypnotically) Yeeeees!
Sam: B-but we shouldn't be...
Matt: You don't know that!
Sam: Yeah...
Matt: Stop being a cheap plug, Dean. We're against that crap! All right!
Sam: Yeah, c'mon, we're away from all that...
Dean: Well, you're the one who started it...
Sam: Hey!
Dean: So stop back... stop backin' up! Or I'll have to side...
Sam: All right! All right! I admit it, I love chicks, but so do you and so does Matt! Ok?
Matt: What? What's that got to do... with whatever you were talking about?
(Dean laughs)
Sam: This has nothing to do with any of the CD stuff.
Matt: (suddenly shouting) WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?
Sam: (shouting) I DON'T KNOW!
Dean: (shouting) I DONT KNOW.
Matt: WHY DO WE ALWAYS SHOUT?
Sam: WELL, IT'S ALWAYS ME WHO STARTS IT, AND THEN DEAN GOES ON ABOUT IT.
Matt: Yeah...

PART II

(N.B. In this part, everyone talks in slurred voices, the sound has been time-warped)
Matt, Dean & Sam: Raaaaail Evennning Beeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhnnnnnt!
Matt: Beeeehhhhnnt!
Sam: Beeehhnt!
Matt: Beeeehhhnnt!
Dean: Rajah Bumstink!
Sam: Rail Evening Bent!
Matt: Beeehhnt!
Sam: Loh! Lar! Lar! Lar!
(Dean laughs disjointedly)
Sam: Rajah Bumstink!
Dean: Deh! Dah! Dah! Daah!
Sam: Ahhh!
Matt: Laah De Daah Dah Daaaaaaah! Laa Dee Laa Laa!
Sam: Raaaail Evennning Beeent!
Dean: Maaster! Maaster!
Matt: Oooh shut up Deeeean!
Sam: Ohhhh Deeaan!

PART III

(N.B. All voices are normal again)
Matt: For no apparent reason, Dean and Sam are going to try and put a condom on a balloon. What the hell?
(Some plastic is heard being stretched, and Dean and Sam are laughing)
Dean: All right!
Sam: Here we go!
Dean: Here we go!
Sam: All right! Ready?
Dean: All right! Now...
Sam: Now, we got the balloon that's shaped like a bit of a cock, it's come out of... (laughing) it's come out of really cold water.
Dean: It's... it's...
(Dean and Sam laugh)
Dean: All right, I've got this balloon...
Sam: It's really fat at the start and it's gone shrivelly...
Dean: All right! Here we go! First, you have to get it excited, so I'll just...
Sam: All right! Rub it...
(plastic is heard to be stretched)
Sam: And then we get it fat...
Dean: (laughing) Whor!
Sam: It's getting fatter!
Dean: There we go.
(plastic is heard to be manipulated, then a plastic "bulging" noise)
Dean: Ah, there we go!
Sam: Ah! Haaar!
Dean: Nice and big!
(Dean and Sam laugh)
Sam: You wanna chuck the condom on? (laughs some more)
Dean: All right...
Sam: The condom is, in fact, a shower cap!
Matt: This is... really exciting.
Sam: All right!
Dean: Look at this! Ok?
Sam: It's on there! You ready? Now start massaging...
(plastic is heard to be manipulated, louder than before, then Dean and Sam laugh)
Dean: Ugh! Ooh!
Sam: Arrrggggh!
Dean: Ugh! Oh, it stuffed up! We got a "home brand"!
(Sam laughs)
Dean: Home brand!
Sam: Oh well. It's got a hole in it!
Dean: (laughs) Look at it!
Sam: Oh crap! It's got a hole in it. It's getting smaller!
Dean: It's a pear!

PART IV

(N.B. Everything spoken in this part is backwards coughing)
Matt: Shid eserves di gud fug narishi soo
Dean: Sarz narl dimaewish.
Sam: Hog solish du burger ehig zackerday
Matt: Shneh moww du zee ow mernoosh
Dean: Errh manoosh ul de owww errggh
Sam: (with James Brown voice) Nah habdu zee ickzi nowl hool di doolook eh mizook
Matt: AUFF, ow zeh zen meh digoosiwooh
Dean: Zeddah hadzeh eh risou
Sam: Now heh ghi zadghi gigaroh harc o nic zionneh hiff
Matt: In auff fozeh sche neuf mor zih mor noosh noosh
Dean: Hophop hihih hehrowl norowl irh
Sam: Hegef narth nee narth
Matt: MAGS si noh mur zoh dur Johneh
Dean: Zerah eroff zair owsoshew
Sam: Haak on zi oon zedeh mech
Matt: Di dizizebs du acb un dizizebs du ack shinu
Dean: Orr mehh zay wock zayshin
Sam: Ay mock meck nochweller ech maynoo
Matt: HOUHOU ech menoosh menog nay negnair de egh nair oosh... zoi nowaou moor owaiou
Dean: Ohh may oor gaionoo err mufalcun
Sam: Ech ziggol venich
Matt: Neg mi virrer
Dean: Nioff di zudeh
Sam: Nehul mah lahva
Matt: Halhalf fersich
Dean: Nyoo fezaal

PART V

Matt: Stage 2 of whatever that thing was before or whatever...
Sam: All right, this is...
Dean: Ok
Sam: ...me and Dean trying to figure out a position to do with the con...
Dean: ...with the condom and the balloon.
Sam: Ok, come over here babe!
Dean: All right. Let's go! Let's go!
Sam: Let's go! Ohh!
Dean: Ohh!
Sam: Get on!
Dean: I'll get down! I'll get down!
Sam: Awww!
Dean: Awww! Yeah! Ohh!
(two slaps are heard)
Dean: Ohh! Ohh!
Sam: Arggh! Argggghh!
Dean: Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Yeah! Oh!
(Sam is laughing)
Dean: That... that's nice...
Matt: You're glad you're only getting the audio, the visual's terrible!
Dean: Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Aah!
Matt: Limbs and things everywhere!
Sam: Spank! Spank me!
Matt: I want... I want out...
(three spanks are heard)
Matt: I want... I want out...
(Sam does a tarzan-like scream)
Matt: I'm just leaving now...
Dean: Oooh! Ooooh! Ooooh! Ooohhh! Oooh!
Sam: Oh, yeah!
Dean: Oh, yeah. Aww, wonderful...
Sam: Aw, once in a lifetime, 20 second interlude.
Dean: I'm gonna fart, I'm gonna fart (breathes out)
Sam: Hoh! Aw, you're not a virgin. Ooh...
Matt: I think we're gonna offend some people here...
Dean: And you...
Sam: Ohhh!
Dean: Ohhh!
Sam: No, I'm not a virgin...

PART VI

(N.B. Everythings backwards again)
Dean: Hohhhhhhhh!
(Sam mumbles something backwards)
Dean: Wuh ha! Wuh ha ha! Wuh ha ha wuh ha! Wuh ha hoh iy yoh.
Sam: Air oof si.
Dean: Oh nouf vanoh ohh.
Sam: Varoh. Vani is si ow!
Dean: Veloh. Di vini.

PART VII

(N.B. Once again normal voices, unusual circumstances)
Matt: The whole room is filled with balloons. I see nothing but balloons and fluid. It's everywhere.
(Sam is screaming and plastic is heard to be stretched violently)
Matt: You gotta get me out of here. This CD is more about help for me...
Dean: Put that on again...
Matt: ...than anything. You gotta get me out of here. This is getting to weird.
(The air is heard being let out of a balloon)
Matt: Get me out! Please!
Sam: Whoa ha!
Matt: I mean...
Dean: Heeheeheehee!
Matt: It's terrible. I mean, you ever seen that movie
(plastic is heard to be stretched)
Matt: Oh phoo, oh crimeny! What?
Dean: Doi, doi, doi, doi, doi! (laughs) Heh! Sorry.
(air is let out a balloon)
Matt: (disgusted) Oh gosh!
(Sam laughs)
Matt: That's... where are you putting that tube?
Sam: In Dean's butt!
Dean: Ohh!
Sam: You ready?
(Dean lets out a high pitched shout of pain)
Sam: Oh.
(A pop is heard)
Dean: Woo! Woo! Ok, Sam can have it now!
(A balloon is blown up)
Dean: See? It's going in, it's going in! It's going in! It's going in.
Matt: I don't wanna look...
(Sam screams and a balloon is heard to be stretched)
Dean: Ah, pull it out! Ah, there we go! Ok, I'm gonna pull it out now.
Matt: I'm no doctor, I can't fix that.
Dean: I think I'm caught, I think I'm caught.
(A balloon is heard to deflate)
Matt: I mean, but look at the injury, look at the scarring there and there...
Sam: Look at it!
Dean: It's gone all limp.
Sam: Ring sting!
Matt: Yeah, I mean, it goes all the way down to your knees.
Dean: I got no ring!
Sam: Aww, you been damaged by doing me too much, you've been giving too much.
Dean: Awww! Too much! Awwww!
(Dean and Sam laugh)
Sam: Ok, we're not offending anyone by this, we're just... being level.
Dean: If you're offended, well then you're fags and you...
Matt: Well, that's the whole point!
Sam: That's just offending them!
Dean: Well, I'm not offending the fags!
Matt: Well, if they're not offended they probably would have turned off by now and written a nasty letter... a nasty letter without listening to it all.
Sam: A letter bomb. It'll go boom!
Matt: That's the thing with you critics, isn't it? You listen to like 30 seconds of each. You don't go through it! Even if you're bored! I mean, how are you supposed to do anything...
(A balloon is heard to be blown up)
Matt: I mean, I'm not enjoying it in here, but I haven't been through it all yet, have I? See you, that was the interlude. Bye!

09 - Book Songs - Project

Read/Sung by Matt Quarterstein, Dean Woodward and Sam Nicson

(N.B. Everybody sings in this piece)
Matt: (in husky voice) Projects can range in size from the very large, for example landing a human on Mars, through to the small such as making dinner for two people! People!
Dean: (shouting) THROUGH TO THE 1960's!
Matt:(in husky voice) Even though these examples require very different kinds of expertise and... resources, they both need to be managed well if they are to be...
Matt, Dean & Sam: SUCCESSFUL!
Dean: (shouting) OPERATING SYSTEMS!
Matt: (in husky voice) I-Information technology projects also vary in size. This section deals with managing projects associated with (in high-pitched voice) information...
Matt, Dean & Sam: PROBLEMS!
Matt: (in husky voice) ...such...
Dean: (shouting) CHAPTER 7!
Matt: (in mellow voice) ...such as those described so far in this (shouting) CHAPTER!
Dean & Sam: (shouting) WHAT IS A PROJECT?
Matt: WHAT IS A PROJECT?
Dean & Sam: WHAT IS A PROJECT?
Matt: WHAT IS A PROJECT?
Sam: (imitating heavy guitar) Da-der-da!
(Dean and Sam scream and shout incoherently while Matt continues)
Matt: A PROJECT IS A PLANNED UNDERTAKING THAT AIMS TO ACHEIVE SOME GOAL. IN THIS WAY IT IS KIND OF A PROBLEM, BUT HERE THE PROBLEM IS HOW TO...
(Dean and Sam are suddenly quiet)
Matt: ...realise the goal within a fixed period of time. Break it down! Break it down!
Dean: Check out the melody!
Matt: Break it down! Break it down!
(Sam starts beatboxing to some complex hip-hop beat)
Matt: Break it down! (suddenly rapping in a nerdy voice) Using a set of finite resources. One example of a large project counteracted by the... early in the history of computing was OS/360 Project. And undertaken by IBM involving 2000 software developers. The aim of the project was to produce an operating system for the IBM 360s... series of computers. First fully compatible range of mainframe computers.
Dean: (shouting) OPERATING SYSTEMS!
Sam: THE GOAL!
Dean: OPERATING SYSTEMS!
(Dean and Sam start shouting incoherently again)
Matt: ...MUST BE LARGE AS THAT SET BY IBM TO WARRANT SETTING UP THE PROJECT!
Dean: Manager!
Matt: Set...
Dean: Project!
Matt: Situation!
Dean: Close the window now!
(A window is heard to be slammed shut)
Matt: Situation!
Dean: Close the window now!
(Dean and Sam shout incoherently)
Matt: Change has to occur... Change has to occur... cha... (laughs)
Sam: On me! I'm going f*cking nuts!
Matt: I've lost my place. Check... check out... check out my...
Dean: Check out... check... check out my melody
Sam: Check out my melody, yeah! Check out...
Matt: Break it... break it down!
Sam: OH, WE'RE GONNA DIE!
Matt: Break it down!
Sam: CHECK OUT MY MELODY MOTHER F*CKER!
Matt: Break it down.
Dean: Back to page one hundred!
Matt: Break it down.
Sam: Page 100
Dean: Page one!
Matt: Glossary...
Sam: Whatever we were up to...
Matt: Glossary remix. Break it down! Acceptance testing... testing... testing designed to demostrate...
(Dean and Sam start shouting incoherently)
Sam: Glossary! Glossary!
Matt: GLOSSARY!
Dean: It's a glossary!
Matt: GLOSSARY!
Dean: Glossary!
Matt: GLOSSARY!
Sam: Yeah... mother f*cking yeah!
Matt: GLOSSARY!
Sam: Glossary!
Matt: GLOSSARY!
Sam: Glossa-f*cking-ry
Matt: GLOSSARY!
Sam & Dean: Gloss-f*cking-ry
Matt: GLOSSARY!
Dean: Ow!
Matt: GLOSSARY! GLOSSARY! RI...

10 - Aussie Mafia

Written by Matt Quarterstein, Dean Woodward and Sam Nicson

(N.B. Matt and Sam have put on wog accents and Dean talks like an ocker)
Matt: Mates! Mates! We... we found this new country, mate. It's great. It's called Australia, mate. And this is the Australia mafia. We're great, mate.
Dean: Mate, Australia is so Australian you can only be Australian if you have an Australian slab. That's Australia for ya!
Matt: Who are you mate?
Dean: Mate, I'm an Australian because I have a slab and it's Australian. It's so Australian, that it's in Australia.
Sam: Do we know this bloke, mate?
Matt: I don't know who you are, mate.
Dean: Mate, I'm Australian. If you're... if you don't know...
Sam: Mate...
Dean: ...who I am, then you're not Australian.
Sam: Mate, just because you're Australian. I mean...
Dean: Mates, I'm Australian. That's all that needs to be known.
Matt: We... we know you're a wanker, mate!
Dean: Mate, I'm not a wanker.
Sam: You are a wanker, mate.
Dean: I have this slab...
Sam: I don't give a crap if you have a slab, mate. We have...
Dean: Mate, it's Australian...
Sam: What we have...
Matt: You bonk slabs, mate. Don't ya?
Sam: We have...
Dean: It's Australian. Mate, it's a... you
Sam: We have tequila here, mate.
Dean: You don't know...
Sam: We don't need any slabs
Dean: You don't know what a slab is. It's Australian
Sam: What is...
Dean: The Australia maf... the Australian constitution states that every Australian has to have an Australian slab.
Sam: Well, we're not Australian, mate.
Matt: Yeah, we're wogs, mate.
Dean: Well, what are you doing?
Matt: You suck, mate. That's why we're pillaging you, mate. We're the Australian mafia, mate.
Dean: What are you doing in Australia, then? If you're not Australian, then you're not welcome in Australia.
Sam: Excuse me, mate! We're allowed to.
Dean: No.
Sam: We were allowed to by the Prime Minister, mate.
Dean: You're not Australian.
Matt: Who are you, mate, anyway? What are you doing?
Sam: Mate. Mate if you don't...
Dean: Mate, I'm Bill "The Australian" Vane.
Sam: Mate, if you don't get the hell out of here I'm gonna run you over with my Pintara.
Dean: Nah, mate. You need an old Datsun. A Datsun full of Australian slabs. That's...
Matt: I reckon we feed you to the slabs...
Sam: I...
Matt: ...you drunken poof!
Dean: Nah, mate. Nah, mate. It's Australian...
Sam: Listen, mate. I don't care if you're Australian. I don't care what... if you're names Skippy, ok?
Matt: He's Skippy poof. That's what he is...
Dean: Mate...
Sam: Skippy the bush kangaroo-a! Doing! Doing! Doing!
Dean: Every Australian has an Australian castle. If you don't have an Australian castle, you're not Australia because the castle has to be...
Sam: Mate, we have...
Dean: ...made out of Australian slabs
Sam: Mate!
Matt: You don't know you're history, mate.
Dean: Mate...
Sam: Listen!
Dean: You don't know...
Matt: There's no knights in shining armour or big horsies or...
Dean: Mate, nah...
Sam: Mate, you listen...
Dean: ...the knight in shining armour holding a slab walking into (starts laughing, then out of character) Crap! I was gonna say "globes".
Matt: Oh! We're gonna... we're gonna hurt you, mate.
Sam: Awwww!
Matt: Aw! The Gah-Lobes! (laughs)
Sam: Listen to ya, mate. You're trying to set a role model for yourself.
Matt: Yeah, we're too good...
Dean: (back in character) It's Austral...
Matt: ...cause you like your Gah-Lobes, mate! Don't ya?
Sam: Come on!
Matt: You like the Gah-Lobes!
Sam: You like the Gah-Lobes!
Matt: You hate the slabs...
Sam: All you want is the Gah-lobes when you know us wogs wear the Gah-Lobes all the time mate!
Matt: You just want the Gah-Lobes...
Dean: The Australian doesn't like the globes!
Sam: Well, mate, you're going to have to get used to it...
Dean: The Australian has slabs. I wear slabs for shoes... (cracks up laughing)
Sam: You wear slabs for shoes?
Dean: My car is a slab... (laughs some more)
Sam: Made of slab?
Dean: Not... not this sh*t mag wheel stuff...
Sam: Mag wheels?
Dean: It's the... (laughs) It's... it's...
Sam: You knockin' the mag wheels?
Dean: Slabs... slab wheels
Sam: YOU KNOCKIN' THE MAG WHEELS?
Matt: You're drunk, mate. You're drunk...
Dean: Wheels... wheels. Slab wheels...
Sam: YOU DON'T LIKE HOW I HOLD ONTO MY CAR DOOR?
Dean: We.. we... (cracks up laughing) we are... look...
Sam: and have the music pumping. The mm-tt mm-tt stuff. YOU DON'T LIKE THE MM-TT MM-TT STUFF?
Dean: In Australia, we always listen to "Advance Australia Fair". We don't know any of the Australian words...
Sam: So you want me to do a techno version of "Advance Australia Fair" for ya...
Dean: Mate...
Sam: so you feel fitted in with our mafia, mate?
Dean: Mate, no. The... the mafia is not welcome in Australia...
Matt: Shut up, mate.
Dean: Mate...
Matt: Your liver's full of cancer, mate.
Dean: Mate...
Sam: Mate, you cannot get rid of our mafia.
Dean: Nah... the slab is my liver!
Sam: What, is it superior, is it?
Dean: Yes!
Sam: Is it superior over us, is it?
Dean: Yes, mate!
Sam: Superior over my tequila and my Monaro?
Dean: Australia. Australia is Australia...
Matt: Or my... Monaro car and me tequila car?
Sam: Aw! Yeah! My tequila car, mate, it could run all over Australia!
Dean: Mate...
Sam: Instead of your slab, all you can do with that is get pissed!
Dean: Y..y... all you do is.. is y...you wreck...
Sam: ...tastes like sh*t!
Dean: ...our Australian castles made out of slabs.
Sam: Australian castles?
Dean: Yes. Made out of slabs.
Matt: You gotta get your history right, mate.
Sam: Mate, if I run my Monaro into that castle it'll come down like a...
Dean: No. Your Monaro is not Australian, that is...
Matt: In the beginning, mate...
Dean: The slab is, it'll blow up...
Sam: In the beginning, mate...
Matt: In the beginning...
Sam: In the beginning, mate, our Trojan horse rolled in.
Dean: Mate...
Sam: And knocked everyone dead.
Dean: Nah, but...
Sam: Which is exactly what we're gonna do to you.
Dean: Nah, but really what happened is a slab rolled in and all these slabs came out, cause they're Australian. Now Australian beers came out and they started marching...
Matt: You're just a new country, mate. You're too young, mate.
Sam: Listen, mate. Get the hell back to the country.
Dean: Mate..
Matt: You're too young, mate!
Sam: Too young, get out!
Dean: Mate, I'm not young.
Sam: Get out!
Dean: Australia is a good, rich country.
Sam: And did we say anything else?
Dean: And Australian freedom, mate.
Sam: Well, we don't like you!
Dean: Mate...
Sam: Get out!
Dean: Mate, you're not welcome here, mate!
Sam: You're not welcome here. Get out!
Dean: And you're not welcome.
Matt: BYE!
Dean: Walk mate...

11 - Barry's Arse

Written by Matt Quarterstein, Dean Woodward and Sam Nicson

Matt: Whoa.
Sam: Heyyyy baby! This is for all you women out there who love the sound of scratching asses. Heh! (grunts in discomfort) Hello. (grunts some more) Awwww! I've got an itchy arse. Aw! One sec, one sec. Stop. Stop recording. Have you stopped? No? No, oh, just keep going then.
(some flinty scratching of skin is heard)
Sam: Wah!
(the scratching stops)
Sam: It's not getting it. Er... Matt you have a try, will ya?
Matt: Just a sec...
(a flintier, more coarse scratching is heard)
Sam: Awwwwww! Oh yeah!
(the scratching stops)
Sam: Nah, it's not getting it. Come on, you gotta finish! Dean, you have a shot
Dean: Ok, I'll try
(the coarsest, dirtiest, most gravelly scratching is heard)
Sam: Awwww! Man, that's good! Keep going! Arrrrr yeah! Keep going! Keep going! Ar! Arrrrr! Go in the hole. Ah! Hwoa! Whoa my...
(Dean and Sam laugh)
Sam: Arrrrr! Satisfying sh*t baby!
(a burst of static is heard)

12 - Angry Friends

Written by Matt Quarterstein, Dean Woodward and Sam Nicson

Note: In Part 2 there is some crappy guitar playing in the background, to hear this click here

PART 1

Matt: Baaad things are happening!
Sam: Bad vibes.
Matt: Baaad vibes in Dean's mind.
Sam: And they're in the air. The tension is in the f*cking air!
Matt: Baaaaaaaad!
Dean: Bad.
Sam: Tell us.
Matt: How do you feel, Dean? Bad!
Dean: Yeah.
Matt: No. You don't feel "yeah", you feel bad. How bad do you feel?
Dean: Whatever...
Matt: No. You feel bad
Dean: No.
Matt: Oh, yes you do. You're...
Sam: (impersonating Dean's voice) Yes I do!
Matt: You're...
Sam: (impersonating Dean's voice) I am pissed!
Matt: You're keeping it all inside. That's bad for you, you know. You're going to explode.
Dean: Explode?
Matt: Yep! Like a big...
Sam: Tonight you're going to have a big dream and fall off your bed and say "f*ck" really loudly.
Matt: Or you're going to admit to us... you're going admit to us something...
Sam: You wanna pump up.
Matt: You're going to admit to us that...
Sam: You wanna pump up and...
Matt: ...you hate everybody because of these bad vibes. If you get it out now you'll be ok.
Sam: Now go "f*ck"!
Dean: Wha...?
Sam: Go "f*ck off"
Dean: No, I can't.
Matt: No, bad vibes!
Sam: No. No, you won't fight man! We want you to!
Matt: They'll hurt you. Baaaaad vibes!
Sam: Bad. Doesn't mean "f*ck off".
Dean: Bad vibes? Whatever...
Matt: No. You're bad.
Sam: Bad!

PART 2

(A cheesy heavy metal guitar riff plays in the background)
Sam: What's happening Dean? What's going on in your life at the moment?
Dean: Nothing!
Sam: Nothing?
Dean: Yeah.
Sam: Be honest!
Dean: Nothing.
Sam: Now come up closer, man. We need to HEAR you!
Dean: (laughs) What?
Sam: Come on! What just happened?
Dean: I lost.
Sam: You lost what?
Dean: Head Rush.
Sam: How?
Dean: I just lost...
Sam: What'd he do?
Dean: Nothing!
Sam: What'd he do the first time?
Dean: He won.
Sam: He bit you!
Dean: Yeah.
Sam: Yeah? And that made you lose, right?
Dean: Yeah.
Sam: So, you pissed about that?
Dean: No.
Sam: You're not?
Dean: I'm pissed that I lost.
Sam: You're pissed that you lost, but he helped you lose. Ha!
Dean: Oops, sorry!
Sam: Hehe!
Matt: Hehe!
Sam: He helped you lose!
Dean: Yeah, but that's not the point why I'm pissed.
Sam: (laughs) Well, why are you pissed?
Dean: Cause I lost!
Sam: Yeah, but if he helped you lose, then that means...
Dean: Yeah. But even if he didn't help me lose I still would have came third...
Sam: No, you would have won. You would have come second!
Dean: Nah, it's...
Sam: You would have beaten me, the sh*thead!
Dean: Nah, but even... nah! I still would have lost...
Sam: No, you would have won.
Dean: I still would have lost the second round.
Sam: Yeah um... the second round.
Dean: Yeah.
Sam: What happened THERE?
Dean: You got...
Sam: YOU LOST, DEANY! You lost! (laughs)
Dean: Yeah, that's actually making it better...
Sam: Wait up. Wait up! Wait up! Wait up! Dean...
Matt: He's only saying that so, you know, he feels better...
Sam: Dean, I know why you made that comment.
Dean: What?
Sam: Cause you hate me.
Dean: What?
Sam: You hate me, I know you do, man!
Dean: No...
Sam: What if I said everyone hates you?
Dean: Well, they don't.
Sam: Well, what if they did?
Dean: Well, then they're f*cked up in the head.
Sam: (breaks into hysterical laughter) Success! (laughs some more)

PART 3

Sam: So Dean, what are your plans for the future now?
Dean: I dunno...
Sam: You don't know.
Dean: No
Sam: Why?
Dean: I don't know.
Matt: Er...
Sam: Now I guarantee that the next words you say will be "yeah", "I don't know" or "Na...wha...?". How are ya?
Dean: CD-ROMs are nice.
Matt: (laughs) What an answer! You're really, really smart, Dean!
Dean: Yeah. No... I didn't say that!
Sam: You said "yeah"...
Dean: No, I said "trees are rad".
Sam: You said tr... and "bread is cool". Anyway... How do you f*cking feel?
Dean: CDs are nice.
Matt: No, they're not nice. They're bad.
Sam: Alright. "CDs are nice" means "f*ck!" and "trees are rad" means that anything else that he says that concerns any Rail Evening Bent or any other stuff in the world means "f*ck!". How are ya?
Dean: I'm gonna sleep tonight. Same as everyone else.
Sam: (laughs)
Matt: No. No you're not. You're gonna groan...
Dean: No.
Sam: Ugh! To a woman who is... [CENSORED]

PART 4

Dean: (laughs) Sorry! (laughs some more)
Sam: F*cking idiot! (laughs along with Dean)

PART 5

Sam: One big family!
Matt: Dean, I'm sorry I um...
Sam: He's so sorry!
Matt: Did... did that thing. I uh... made the chomper chomp you in Head Rush
Sam: He's so sorry!
Dean: Yeah, ok.
Matt: I'm so sorry! Will you forgive me. Awwwww!
Sam: I love you guys! You're my big family!
Dean: Yeah.
Matt: So...
Sam: And you like (makes kissing noises) Oh, she loves you, old boy!
Matt: So, will you forgive me?
Dean: Yeah.
Sam: He forgives you. Oh, a big happy family again!
Matt: That's good.
Dean: Yeah.

13 - Andy Derivative

Written by Dean Woodward

Matt: Oh, we're gonna be late for class.
Sam: Doesn't matter, we got a crap bell.
(SFX: Pinball machine, then a pigs grunt)
Matt: So, what'd you do on the weekend?
Sam: Aw, I went and saw my chick
Dean: (in nerdy voice) Eeeh! Heh! Eh! Eh! Eh!
Sam: (furious) Shut up! I'm trying to talk...
Dean: I wish I had a chick I could dump. Eh! Eeh! Eeh!
Sam: I'm trying to talk to my mate!
Dean: Eeh!
Matt: Yeah, so anyway...
Sam: Yeah...
(SFX: Pigs grunt)
(N.B. Dean is now in character as ANDY DERIVATIVE, loud and authorative)
Dean: Ok, class. Class! SILENCE! This, today you're going to learn the Anti-Differentiation Co-Effeciency Rule. K? Now the Anti-Differentiation Co-Effeciency Rule first goes down to the basic rule known as ACD equals DCA. Now ACD cancels down to AC equals DA. Now DA cancels down to C equalling AD. Now from this you sub in this equation, the AD into the Anti-Differentiation Co-Effeciency Rule. The Anti-Differentiation Co-Effeciency Rule first starts off with an integral. The integral equals sine co-effecient 2x all over, now remember ALL OVER, tan differentation anti-co-efficiency dx. Remember the dx, its a variable, cause these are integrals, k? Now therefore, 2 integral equals root sine co-effecient 2x all over, now remember all over, tan derivative anti-co-effeciency dx. Now, remember integrals have dxs. Ok. For vector therefore, vectors, vector therefore vector A vector pi vector 2 integral equals pi cube root vector sine co-effecient 2x all over, now remember ALL OVER, tan vector derivative anti-co-effeciency. Now this, if you sub the A in you'll find out that it equals 1. 1 equals 1. (mumbles) Now, what you do is let A equal 1, which this comes down to equalling 2. Now C equals 2, so you sub the 2 into the x variable, k? Now, you do this. Now what this happens is you have integral sin co-effecient 2, 2 all over tan derivative anti-co-effeciency dx. Now remember, in integrals "dx" is the extra thing. This makes D equal 5. Now 5, if you sub the 5 into the equation, the vector equation, remember the vector equation. Vector therefore vector A vector pi vector cos 2 integral equals pi cube root vector sine co-effecient 2x all over, now remember ALL OVER. All over, people. All over tan vector derivative anti-co-effeciency dx. REMEMBER THE DX, because this is an integral we're talking about. It's an indefinite integral, not a definite integral. Now, what happens here is it comes down to equalling 256. Isn't it weird, class, that it equals 256?
(a stunned silence)
Dean: ISN'T IT WEIRD, CLASS, THAT IT EQUALS 256?
(another stunned silence)
Dean: You dumb idiots! Don't you know that 256 is the ultimate number in the whole universe. 256 is everything, if you don't know what that is, you're dumb. ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
(yet another stunned silence)
Dean: No, I wasn't talking to you, you idiot! YOU! Is that right? 256 is the ultimate number of all. Isn't it?
Matt: (confused) What?
Dean: It IS the ultimate number. (satisfied) Ok!
(N.B. Sam's voice sounds like it is coming over an echoey PA system)
Sam: Could Mr Derivative please go to Mr BigSh*ts office immediately. Your father, Henry the Vane, has just died.
(N.B. Now Dean, as himself, can be heard over the PA)
Dean: Well, actually, Don John, because he...
Sam: (frustrated) Oh, well who gives a sh*t?
Dean: Who gives a sh*t?
(The PA message ends, Dean is ANDY DERIVATIVE again)
Dean: Excuse me, class. Make sure you learn the Anti-Differentiation Co-Effeciency Rule, cause my father has just died, cause you're all f*cks.
(SFX: Backwards pig snort)
Sam: Wasn't this an English Class?

14 - Book Songs - Latrobe

Read/sung by Matt Quarterstein, Dean Woodward & Sam Nicson

Sorry, I'm not putting this one up. It's got way too much swearing and offensive stuff, way more than anything I've got up on this page. So much that Bravenet would kick me off my webspace, and Latrobe University would probably sue the pants off me for defamation. If you really, really want to read the transcript, you can
e-mail me asking for it, but then I still probably won't give it to you. Basically, it was a lot of shouting, screaming and stuff that ended with Sam's dad coming in and asking what was going on, much to his embarassment. Matt then makes the comment that it is a good ending for Rail Evening Bent. That's basically all that happens. Trust me, you didn't miss out on very much...

15 - People People People

Written by Sam Nicson

N.B. This is a song, that is sung, with MIDI music for backing. To hear it
click here)
Sam: People People People
Matt, Dean & Sam: Where's the love of this world?
Sam: People People People
Matt, Dean & Sam: Where's the love of this world?
Sam: Because your all my brothers and sisters. We're all loved with one heart. So why won't somebody.
Matt, Dean & Sam: Why won't somebody? Why won't somebodyyyyyy...
Sam: Suck my cock.
(a cymbal crashes, the song is over)
Dean: Well done
Matt: Oh marvellous
Dean: Very well done, you old chap
Sam: Yes.
Dean: I agree
(Matt laughs)
Dean: Yes thats...
Matt: Yeah...

Rail Evening Bent © 2001 Matt Quarterstein, Dean Woodward and Sam Nicson


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