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The Adventures of Leon Chubbadanfish, the Waiter and Generalbreadbasket

Episode 9 - Missing Piece
By Matt Quarterstein

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Scene I - Nowhere - March 9th 2500

(Begins with a smidgen of warped recording)
(Cut to sign "We must apologize")
Narrator: (voice-only) Yes, we must apologize!
Waiter: (voice-only) We both must apologize!
Narrator: (voice-only) For many things, but for only one thing today.
Waiter: (voice-only) And remember, one is a smaller version of many.
Narrator: (voice-only) Yes. The one thing that we apologize for today is the word sorry.
(Cut to the word "sorry" on the screen)
Narrator: (voice-only) Yes, it has been overused so very much in apologies, unfortunately.
Waiter: (voice-only) So we would like to say a big… um… um… (pauses) what's an apologetic word?
Narrator: (voice-only) Well we can't use "sorry", cause "sorry" would have to help us. When being apologized to it's pretty rude to have to put in work to help people apologize to you.
Waiter: (voice-only) Yeah… so what can we do for sorry?
Narrator: (voice-only) We could always dedicate the titles to him as a sign of our appreciation
Waiter: (voice-only) Good idea…
(Cut to a sign on a black background reading "These titles are dedicated to the word SORRY, we love you man")

Credits 1 - Titles

Scene II - Leon's Hut - March 9th 2500

(Begins on a white screen, the caption 'Missing Piece" appears)
Narrator: (voice-only) Yep, that's what this adventure is called. Missing Piece. If you want to know why, I can't tell you, since the piece of the script which indicates the rationale behind the title is missing.
Waiter: (voice-only) Of course.
Narrator: (voice-only) Wait, before we do anything, we gotta put this up.
(A black dot appears, superimposed at the top right hand side of the screen)
Waiter: (voice-only) What is that?
Narrator: (voice-only) It's a watermark, it reminds the people out there what they are watching, and it sticks in their head like it sticks on the screen. Great for ratings…
Waiter: (voice-only) Oh ok. So where is this set?
Narrator: (voice-only, jovially) You know where it's set, Waiter!
(Cut to a bunch of hippies in hi-tech equipment parading down a normal city street with orange-brown skies)
Waiter: (voice-only) During the 2469 Neo-Hippie Lovefest?
Narrator: (voice-only, bluntly) No.
(Cut to a platform with pom-poms bouncing all over the place in a boppy dance fashion)
Waiter: (voice-only) To the dancing pom-pom planet?
Narrator: (voice-only) Not today…
(Cut a blank piece of lined paper)
Waiter: (voice-only) To the mystical, magical blue gateways of the white recycled, ruled margin heavens of 30502 AD?
(A hand writes on the piece of paper in big letters "NO!")
Waiter: (voice-only) Oh…
(Cut to darkness)
Narrator: (voice-only) It's Tranorc Icaldic, the Asylum Planet
Waiter: (voice-only) Oh, good. I live there. Saves me taking the bus.
(Narrator sighs)
(Cut to a shot of a clearing where Leon's hut can be seen, a bird flies near the watermark, and subtly flies into it )
Narrator: (voice-only) Ok, what about a date?
Waiter: (voice-only) Thanks but no thanks.
Narrator: (voice-only) No. What time is it set?
Waiter: (voice-only) How about 2566 BC, when a volcano erupted?
(The scene suddenly becomes covered in lava, Leon's hut begins burning)
Narrator: (voice-only) Too much fire.
Waiter: (voice-only) What about 2491 AD when there was a bushfire.
(The lava vanishes and a bushfire is raging, Leon's hut is still burning)
Narrator: (voice-only) You kind of missed the point. Um… why is Leon's Hut there? It wasn't built until 2500, when Leon was actually there.
(Leon's hut disappears)
Waiter: (voice-only) What about in 3125 BC, in the middle of a localized ice age. (The screen goes white with rushing snow)
Narrator: (voice-only) Maybe another day, for now we'll just make it good ol' 2500 AD. (Snow goes away and clearing is back to normal)
Narrator: (voice-only) In around March, so Leon is there.
(Leon appears, sleeping, on the ground of the clearing)
Waiter: (voice-only) That means he has his hut back, right?
Narrator: (voice-only) Yeah.
(Leon's hut falls from the sky onto Leon, with an almighty crash)
Leon: (voice-only) What the f**k?
(Leon bursts out of the door of his hut, all covered in dust, looking pretty scruffy. The Comm-Unit is on his belt)
Narrator: (voice-only) I'd say around March the 9th
Waiter: (voice-only) The day the black hole sucks the planet in?
Narrator: (voice-only) Yep.
Comm-Unit: (buzzes) Attention Leon, it is March the 9th. The day the black hole sucks us in.
Leon: WHAT? But I went to bed on the night of the 7th! I slept through a whole day! Why didn't you wake me?
Comm-Unit: I really don't know.
(Leon turns off the Comm-Unit, looking panicky)
Narrator: (voice-only) Leon looks panicky.
Waiter: (voice-only) So panicky he runs around desperately.
(Leon begins running from place to place)
Leon: I'm doomed! (lifting his arms wide in the air, face to the sky) WHYYYYYY?
Waiter: (voice-only) and disappears into an alternate dimension.
(Leon disappears)

Scene III - Alternate Dimension - March 9th 2500

(The watermark is in this scene. Leon is floating through a world of tie-dye colour, while microscope slides of various bacteria float past him. He screams all the way)
Narrator: (voice-only) Only for a little bit
(Leon disappears)

Scene IV - Leon's Hut - March 9th 2500

(The watermark is still in this scene. Leon re-appears outside his hut, covered in a little bit of seaweed, he shakes it off, looking exasperated and confused, a tumbleweed goes past and jumps into the watermark, and disappears)
Leon: What was that all about?
Narrator: (voice-only) Leon is still very panicky.
Leon: (dismissive) It doesn't matter, I'm still panicking about this whole black hole thing to worry about stuff like that.
Waiter: (voice-only) But Leon knows what to do.
Leon: (to himself) But why do I reckon I know what to do?
Narrator: (voice-only) He has to listen.
Leon: For some reason I think I have to listen to something… (puts on a "listening-hard" posture)
Waiter: (voice-only, whispering) Leon!
Narrator: (voice-only, whispering) Listen!
Waiter: (voice-only, whispering) Leon!
(Leon moves around, listening closely, until he seems to find a spot he can hear)
Waiter: (voice-only, whispering) Listen to our voices.
Leon: Waiter? Where are you?
Waiter: (voice-only, shouting) HERE!
(Leon jumps in fright, right up out of the screen)
Waiter: (voice-only) He is so excited to hear us, he jumps high into a tree.
(Camera pans up to show Leon high in a tree, holding on, yet struggling)
Leon: Ahhhh! (lets go of the branch, and falls onto the ground)
Narrator: (voice-only) You know, you shouldn't really let go of a branch unless it breaks first.
(Branch breaks off tree and falls onto Leon's leg. Leon yelps in pain, gets out his Plasma Rifle and blows the branch up into a million pieces. Leon stands up quickly, and looks around, furious)
Leon: Waiter, what is going on? Is this cause I passed on dinner the other night because I'd caught my own?
Waiter: (voice-only) You can hear us?
Leon: Yeah, but I can't see you. Wait… (confused) Who is "us"?
Narrator: (voice-only) Him, and me.
Leon: Who are YOU? (thinking) Your voice sounds familiar, but I can't put a face to it…
Narrator: (voice-only) Sounds like you know who I am already.
Waiter: Leon is so smart, he already knew who the Narrator was, and he already knew about the tiny kitten crawling around on his forehead.
(A fully developed kitten, about two inches long, appears on Leon's forehead and starts walking around it possessively. Leon's eyes look at it)
Leon: (exasperated) What?
Waiter: (voice-only) Aren't you going to use your plasma rifle to shoot if off.
Leon: I'd blow my head off! That's why not. How'd it get on there? This is not making any sense…
Narrator: (voice-only) The kitten didn't know the meaning of the word "sense", so it disappeared in a puff of smoke and flame.
(The kitten disappears in a puff of smoke, leaving a singe mark on Leon's forehead)
Leon: (in excruciating pain) Owwww! (puts hand to his head, holding the pain. Gritting his teeth) Waiter, what is going on?
Waiter: (voice-only) We are telling a story about you.
Narrator: (voice-only) You should feel special, no one ever tells a story about Narrators like me.
Leon: A story?
Waiter: (voice-only) Yep.
Leon: (standing to his full height, aggressively) Listen, I really don't have time for this… this… stuff. Story? I'll give you a story. The black hole is coming for this planet right now, today! Now, please. I've got to get ready… (begins to walk off)
(the camera follows Leon as he walks off)
Waiter: (voice-only) You've got to get ready to listen to the rest of the story about you.
Narrator: (voice-only) That's right.
Leon: (looking around frantically) Where ARE you? I thought I walked away from the sound of your voice.
Narrator: (voice-only) Yeah. You only walked away from the SOUND of my voice. But not from me, and my voice travels with me. You can never outwalk, outrun or outcar a Narrator. Leon: I don't know what you are, probably some alien, but I don't want to be in any of your games.
Narrator: (voice-only) I think you do.
Waiter: (voice-only) Yeah, you do. You'll get toasted fruit loaf at the end. Leon: Fruit loaf? You two are the fruit loaf around here. I'm going.
Narrator: (voice-only) No you're not.
Leon: (arrogant) Yeah, I am.
Narrator: (voice-only) You'll suffer the consequences if you don't.
Leon: Oh really. What like?
(Leon dissapears)

Scene V - Big Street - March 9th 2500

(The watermark is in this scene. Cut to a tiny Leon, on the lip of a young boy about to eat an apple)
Narrator: Like… this!
Leon: (frantic) Ok, ok. I'll do the story. Whatever, man.
(Leon disappears and the boy eats the apple)

Scene VI - Clearing - March 9th 2500

(The watermark is in this scene. Leon appears in the middle of an empty clearing)
Leon: That's better (angrily) For a Narrator you're a real smart Alec!
Narrator: (voice-only) Well, it's hard NOT to be a smart Alec when you got an IQ of 150, (adding quietly) and your name is Alec…
Waiter: (voice-only) But your name isn't Alec!
Narrator: (voice-only) Are YOU trying to be a smart Alec now. Leon, you're right. For a Waiter, he's a real smart Alec.
Leon: (sighs, just going along with things) Ok, then. I'm in this "story". What do you want me to do?
Narrator: (voice-only) Anything you like!
Waiter: (voice-only) Whatever you normally do.
Leon: I'd normally be avoiding you, and I can't do that.
Waiter: (voice-only) Well, I know that you, being you, would read that sign over there. (A sign appears next to Leon. It reads "Beware of fog")
Waiter: (voice-only) Just because it just appeared.
Leon: Sign? (turns to it, curious, reading)"Beware of fog"
(It suddenly starts getting very, very foggy, so nothing can be seen)
Waiter: (voice-only) Because of all the fog, Leon misread the sign. It actually says "beware of frog".
(The fog clears, and Leon is next to a six foot frog, much to his surprise)
Narrator: (Voice-only) It's not a frog, the fog is still in his eyes. Whoever heard as "beware of frog" sign? It's "Beware of Dog", stupid.
Waiter: (voice-only) How lame.
(The frog turns into a giant dog, a quite cute dog. It scares Leon off, fumbling for his rifle)
Narrator: (voice-only) Don't be afraid Leon, it's pretty tame.
(Leon gets out his rifle and whacks the dog on the nose with the butt of it, this just excites the dog who begins jumping all around Leon)
Waiter: (voice-only) He wants to play fetch with you Leon.
Narrator: (voice-only) Don't be a tease and throw him your Plasma Rifle.
Leon: (appalled) No! I need this.
Waiter: (voice-only) That's right, you do. Sorry about that.
Leon: (trying to dodge the dog) So you should be.
Narrator: (voice-only) You need it for that giants dog's owner that's coming up.
(Rumbling is heard and the dog runs away, whacking Leon over with it's tail as it does. Leon begins to get up, but the rumbling causes the ground to shake now, and this knocks him over. Before he can so much and recover and giant sock covered foot bears down near him)
Narrator: (voice-only) An owner who forgot his shoe today.
Waiter: (voice-only) Actually, it was sucked into the black hole, and he's come to you to help him to escape it.
Leon: (getting up, looking far up into the sky) Well, he looks big enough to have a gravity larger than the black hole.
Narrator: (voice-only) If you say so.
(Leon suddenly is swept off his feet by an invisible force towards the sock, he falls into it with a crusty, cheese-like splat)
Leon: (muffled) Ok, I don't say so.
Narrator: (voice-only) What was that?
Leon: (pulling his face off the sock) I DON'T say so!
Narrator: (voice-only) Okay.
(Leon is blown back, hitting the ground)
Leon: (trying to find where to speak to Narrator) You really like making me hit the ground, don't you?
Narrator: (voice-only) You could hit a tree
Waiter: (voice-only) For variety.
(Leon floats up and hits his head on an overhanging tree branch, then falls back on the ground again)
Narrator: (voice-only, laughing) Hey, that rhymed.
Leon: (rubbing his sore spots) Waiter, you really need to get some better friends. Once who don't hurt me. Ow!
(The giant foot moves around and faces the camera, and a grunt is heard)
Narrator: (voice-only) Don't listen to your army buddy here, you need a friend like me Waiter, as I am very clever. See, the giant is admiring my watermark.
(Another grunt is heard and the leg lifts into the sky again and rumbles forward. A slip is then heard and the screen goes fuzzy, the screams of the Narrator and the Waiter are heard)

Scene VII - News Room - March 9th 2500

(The watermark is in this scene. Leon is in a newsroom, in a suit, holding pieces of paper that may be scripts. Behind him is a TV screen that reads. "We Interrupt This Program". Leon is in shock and looks around in disorientation)
Leon: (struggling for words) Where am I now? You could at least tell me when you're going to do something like this…
Waiter: (voice-only) You are in a news room, the same day as you were in before.
Narrator: (voice-only) March the 9th
Waiter: (voice-only) And you have to explain to them in front of you why we had that mishap.
Leon: (confused) In front of me? (looks directly in camera and looks shocked) Sh*t! Look at all the people in there. (looking right in camera) They're all watching me in these weird little rooms.
Waiter: (voice-only) Oh really? Whenever I point them out to you, you don't see them.
Leon: (pointing at camera, frantically) But they're right there! THERE!
(Cut to cows, the Waiter is heard laughing his head off. Cut back)
Narrator: (voice-only) Stop talking to cows Leon.
Leon: Oh, very funny. Something serious like today happens, and you have to make a joke out of it.
Narrator: (voice-only) This "something" happens to me everyday. Get on with explaining to them out there. Say something.
Leon: Ok. I've got something to say. (to camera) Hi. I have a question for ya. If you've been just right there in front of us during all the stuff we've been through, why didn't you help us? At all? And if the Waiter keeps talking to you every 2 seconds, like he does why don't you tell him to shut up? I got sick of it after 1 second of being here. Why don't you tell us anything. I mean, if an alien is behind me you could have said "It's right behind you! Leon, look out". Really! You must be some really lazy people (confused) Or cows?
Waiter: (voice-only) I think you missed the point.
Narrator: Yeah. That's pantomime!
(The screen fuzzes up and a roaring giant, and Leon's, the Waiter's, and the Narrator's screams are heard)

Scene VIII - Clearing - March 9th 2500

(The Watermark is still there, shining a little, before fading back to its normal colour. Leon reappears, halfway through running into a tree, crashing into it. Leaves fall off the top of the tree Leon has hit into and seem to get sucked into the watermark. Leon has recovered in time to see this and looks very suspicious)
Leon: (pointing to the watermark) What the hell is that?
Narrator: (voice-only) The watermark. I told you.
Waiter: (voice-only) You only told me.
Narrator: (voice-only) Whatever. We need it.
Leon: (suspiciously) Well, I've seen it everywhere I've been. What is it supposed to be doing?
Narrator: (voice-only) It's not supposed to be DOING anything but be there.
Leon: Be there? Hmm…
(Leon stops in thought, then jumps at the watermark, the camera follows him, so that he can't catch it, and he falls over)
Waiter: (voice-only) Maybe you need some pillows on your knees, so it doesn't hurt when you keep falling over. Or maybe even two giant puffy marshmallows.
Leon: (getting up, putting on a brave smile, sarcastically) Yeah, maybe… (moves towards watermark)
(Camera moves to follow Leon. Leon moves the opposite way, keeping a close eye on the watermark, the camera following him. Leon suddenly jumps away from the watermark, kicking up his leg from behind to kick the watermark. On contact with the watermark, he is sucked into nothingness)
Narrator: (voice-only) He really shouldn't have done that…

Scene IX - Narrator's Villa, Reception Area - March 9th 2500

(Cut to a darkened room, a light bulb lights up from where the ceiling is, revealing a crouched down, dazed and confused Leon beneath. He looks up at the light, slowly, and two other lights on either site of the central light up, and then two lights on either side of those light, until a rainbow shape of light bulbs have lit, showing Leon in a red room, with oddly angled walls and velvet carpet)
Leon: I don't know why I'm surprised, I knew today was going to be tough.
(Waiter walks on with a dessert bowl of a pinkish substance)
Waiter: Not as tough as my taffy, would you like some? It's fresh from the taffy machine in the kitchen. Extra chewy
Leon: (half relieved) Waiter! You decide to show up in my life today.
Narrator: (voice-only) More like you decided to show up in mine.
(The shadow of the back of a head appears in front of the camera, facing Leon and the Waiter)
Waiter: Leon, meet the Narrator, face to face. And to everyone else, meet the Narrator face to back of head.
(Camera angle changes to show, Waiter, Leon and Narrator, all well lit. The Narrator is fairly tall, taller than Leon, and has a brown, posh-looking suit on)
Waiter: (looking to camera) Or not…
Narrator: Well, Leon, you weren't expecting me to look like THIS were you?
Leon: Huh? I wasn't really expecting to see you at all. I don't care.
Narrator: Oh… (looks really upset)
Waiter: You shouldn't say stuff like that Leon, the Narrator isn't used to insults straight to his face.
Leon: (ignoring Waiter, looking around amazed) What is this place?
Narrator: (vindicated) Ah, you weren't expecting me to have a PLACE like this, were you?
Leon: This is your place?
Narrator: Yes! And even though you've been no fun, rude and unreasonable, I'm going to show you round like a proper guest. Just walk past the aquarium. (walks off, leading with a guiding hand)
(The Waiter follows the Narrator off. Leon begins walking off, the camera following him. He passes a fishbowl on a nightstand)
Leon: (points to fishbowl) You mean this fishbowl?
(Narrator peeks over to Leon from the side of the view of the camera)
Narrator: Please do not mock the aquarium. (takes Leon's hand and both walk off)

Scene X - Narrator's Villa, Narrator's Bedroom - March 9th 2500

(Cut to a very small room, with a very small bed, with no pillow, sheets or mattress, just a single feather. A narrow door is to one side, in which the Narrator, Leon and the Waiter enter through)
Leon: So WHERE is this house. Where on the planet are we?
Waiter: We're not. (looks at the camera and grins)
Narrator: No, not even in the universe, cause the housing costs are too high down there.
Waiter: We're in the fifth dimension.
Leon: (bluntly) There's only four dimensions.
Narrator: There are five. (looks at camera) Eeh!
Leon: No there isn't. What's the fifth? Nobhead Land?
Narrator: No, Nobhead Land is a Theme Park on the planet Spogenhaimen. (looks at camera) Est. 2356 (winks at camera) No. The fifth dimension is storytelling.
Leon: Storytelling? How can that be a dimension? You can't make me believe that I've just travelled to "storytelling".
Narrator: No, we can't because you've actually been in the dimension of storytelling all your life.
Leon: What?
Narrator: Let me explain! (goes over to bed, flips it up, revealing a blackboard and some chalk. Picks up chalk and draws a smiley face. Looks at camera) You know, I could have been a teacher if they hadn't said I was too nervy. (to Leon) Ok, this is you. You are subject to all dimensions. Height (draws a stick figure body onto smiley face), width (draws a gut on the stick figure), depth (puts shading on the gut to put depth to the picture, making it look fatter)
Leon: (annoyed) Will you quit with my gut already?
Narrator: Sorry, I don't get to draw as much as this usually. Ok, and time (draws stubble on the picture, looks at camera, then draws a beard on). Now, (to Leon) what do you see?
Leon: I see a fat smiley man who grew a beard.
Narrator: Right. Now, to describe him, you just used the fifth dimension. Storytelling. (as if quoting) To receive stimulus from any dimension, or to describe these, you need the dimension of storytelling. Without this "fifth dimension", these objects are just imaginary, and don't exist.
Leon: Hang on a sec. Hasn't imagination got to do with storytelling?
Narrator: (looking worried) Ooh, that's getting very philosophical, and has been debated through the scientific and artistic communities for years and years and minutes. (draws a nerdy stick figure and points to it) This guy'd know the answer though. His name is Dr Chester Hawking-Anvilson, a descendant of an unnoticed illegitimate child of 20th century physicist Steven Hawking. (pointing) This guy, at only 22 years old, discovered the dimension of storytelling in 2451, using a really complex equation that will confuse you (looking at camera) and make us run out of time because it's so big and complex, so I won't write it. (erases picture, bluntly and quickly) You can't talk to him though, he died in 2468, aged 39, due to an experiment in narratives. (stands tall, looking patriotic) It is because of his work and sacrifice that I am here doing what I am doing.
(The Waiter pulls out a clarinet and tries to play some obscure national anthem)
Leon: (pointing to Waiter) Why is HE here, and everywhere else he ends up appearing?
Narrator: I don't know, 5 years ago he just started talking to me. Waiter, how did you end up getting here?
Waiter: (plays really bad note on clarinet, then puts it away, embarrassed) I just felt like it, you looked hungry. (gets candy cane out of pocket) Candy cane?
Narrator: Thanks (takes candy cane)
Leon: Well, I didn't "just feel like it". Why am I here?
Waiter: Well, we have a bit of a problem, right?
Narrator: You might be interested in THIS problem. So might you (points at camera, so close that his fingertip fills the entire screen)

Scene XI - Narrator's Villa, Narrator's Bridge - March 9th 2500

(The Narrator's finger pulls away to reveal it is now the Waiter in front of the camera with his finger. The room has changed also, although the décor is around the same as the other two rooms. It is a room facing a large window, in which space can be seen, including Terra Ignoramus, which looks slightly distorted in shape, as if the black hole has begun sucking it in. Leon and Narrator have walked to the large window and are facing it. The Waiter grins cheesily at the camera, then joins them)
Narrator: This problem. (motions to the view below)
Leon: (panicky) The planet's right in front of the black hole!
Narrator: Yes. It aligned that way yesterday, and for us, that's when the trouble started.
Waiter: I could tell that a black hole was coming, cause my soufflés were a little higher than usual, all by themselves.
Narrator: And you can always tell by soufflés!
(Leon sighs)
Narrator: Black holes begin to suck away the fifth dimension first, for they bend that way too. And yesterday, my place began to be sucked in.
Waiter: And I was up here at the time showing off my extra high soufflés, so I got stuck here too.
Leon: But this place doesn't look like it's being sucked into anything.
Narrator: Oh yeah? Waiter, open that door over there. (points to door)
(The Waiter carefully goes over to the door and opens in, within is seen swirling figures and distorted faces and upside down eyes, accompanied by white noise and screaming. This shocks Leon, then the Waiter shuts the door)
Narrator: That WAS my proper bedroom, but now it's been spaghettified with weird storylines. Beyond that is pure black hole. Pretty scary stuff.
Waiter: (to camera) All you kiddies go to bed, unless it has been sucked in by a local black hole!
Narrator: We can't get out, so we had to try to contact you. But that was difficult because the effects of the distorted fifth dimension had altered your memory, you kept forgetting we'd contacted you.
Leon: You never "contacted" me before today.
Waiter: See how bad your memory is?
Narrator: I'm pretty sure you can't remember what's been happening this week, because of the black hole I know we can't remember it properly.
Leon: Well… (struggling to think) that last thing I remember… um… before today… is… (in realization) not since last week, when I was shocked that those "traditional aliens" were actually travelling salesmen.
Waiter: Well, I can't remember much about last week, except that something very important was happening.
Narrator: I remember about as much as the Waiter. We contacted you today so that we could try to find out what was going on, to try to control your storyline to remember what happened this week. Maybe there was something there that could help you escape this black hole. And me…
Leon: Well, there wasn't anything except all the… weird stuff you put in front of me.
Narrator: No, we WERE close to something, I could feel it. (to camera) As a Narrator I have an instinct that tells me when something is going to happen, so I can get there in time. (to Leon) But you had to go and fall into that story hole, didn't you?
Leon: What?
Narrator: The "watermark" I put up, it was actually part of the black hole's impact on the fifth dimension. I had to get rid of it, otherwise it would destroy everything. Besides, I can't resist a chance of better ratings, even in a crisis like this. You got sucked into it when you touched it, and ended up here.
Leon: Oh… are we stuck here? Can we do something else?
Waiter: We could eat cake, and I could bake it!
Narrator: (doubtful) I don't know if we can…
Waiter: Sure, I've got enough flour.
Narrator: No, I'm not sure if we can do anything.
Leon: Well, the General's still down there, isn't he?
Narrator: I guess so…
Leon: Maybe we can contact him and find out what's going on.
Waiter: Maybe…
Narrator: We might as well give it a try.
(cut to black)

Scene XII - General's Turf - March 9th 2500
(Fades in to reveal the surface of the planet, a clearing in the forest, no one is there) Narrator: (voice-only) We're back on Terra Ignoramus, March the 9th.
Leon: (voice-only) How come I can see this, and nothing else around me?
Waiter: (voice-only) Because you've got to help narrate this area.
Narrator: (voice-only) Your body, in order to narrate the General's story, is temporarily part of the fifth dimension. Before we find the General, you've got to learn to story-tell properly.
Waiter: (voice-only) At least at beginner level.
Leon: (voice-only) And how do I do that? I'm no scientist.
Narrator: (voice-only) You don't need to be, it's very simple. Just say what you want to do, or what you want to appear, and it will happen.
Leon: (voice-only) Oh really? Ok, let's have a go. I would like a gun to appear…
(A generic looking gun appears in mid air)
Leon: (voice-only) Not just any gun…
(Question marks appear around the gun)
Leon: (voice-only, slightly irritated) And not a gun with question marks around it.
(The question marks disappear and are replaced with exclamation marks)
Leon: (voice-only) Damn it!
Waiter: (voice-only) You've got to stay exactly what you want, don't worry about what appears while you're saying it.
Leon: (voice-only) Ok (takes a deep breath) I'll have a 2489 Cementcrack Sniper Shotgun.
(An odd, dirty looking gun appears in mid air and flies off)
Leon: (voice-only) Hey!
Waiter: (voice-only) You got to have more control over what you're describing. Otherwise it'll do that.
Leon: (voice-only) Ok, I'll try again.
Narrator: (voice-only) No time for that, I found the General.
(Camera pans across to show General walking along. He is holding a dirty looking Comm-Unit in his left hand and has a reel of copper wire tucked under his right arm)
Leon: (voice-only) What's he doing?
Narrator: (voice-only) That's what we're here to find out.
Waiter: (voice-only) He's working. And singing while he does!
Leon: (voice-only) No!
General: (looks around) You know what, I feel like singing, and I don't know why. (sings) Work is hard, which makes hard work…
Leon: (voice-only) The General stops singing.
General: (stops singing) I don't feel like singing anymore. I'm probably hungry. (sighs) But I've got lots of work to do today, (lowers head) so I can't go and get something to eat 'til it's done.
Leon: (voice-only) Must be really serious if he's not going to eat 'til then.
Waiter: (voice-only) Yeah, last year, he was polishing his badge collection, which is huge, and he still ate all the jam tarts that I'd made.
Leon: (voice-only) What is he doing?
Narrator: (voice-only) He's heading somewhere…
General: (turning on Comm-Unit) I wonder why Leon left this behind. (presses a few buttons)
Comm-Unit: (laughing robotically) Hey! That tickles me.
General: Sorry. (turns Comm-Unit back) I'll put this back where Leon can find it. Along with this (motions to copper wire)
Leon: (voice-only) The General goes to my hut to put the stuff back.

Scene XIII - Leon's Hut - March 9th 2500

(Inside Leon's hut, which is much cleaner than it's ever been, the General suddenly appears. He looks confused.)
General: Why did I come to Leon's hut? Leon's not going to find his stuff here.
Leon: (voice-only) Yes I am, I'm the one who told you to.
Narrator: (voice-only) He can't hear us, just like you've never been able to hear me. (silence, while General looks around, confused yet waiting)
Leon: (voice-only, angry) I heard that, bloody Narrator.
General: I can't stay round here, it's going to get nasty soon. (motioning to Comm-Unit and wire) I'd better go put these in a safe place. (leaves hut)
Leon: (voice-only) Safe place? Where on this planet is safer than my hut?
Waiter: (voice-only) Well, the black hole is coming.
Leon: (voice-only) Does that mean he knows of a safe place then?
Waiter: (voice-only) He must do.
Narrator: (voice-only) Are you going to follow him or are we going to admire Leon's hut a little more?
(Camera zooms in on a bucket on the ground, which appears to be being used as a makeshift bin)
Narrator: (voice-only) For example, if Leon had been trying to get off the planet, why has he got such a little bin? Wouldn't he have lots of junk from failed experiments and machinery.
Leon: (voice-only, in realization) Yeah… my hut's a lot cleaner than I remember it as well…
Narrator: (voice-only) And you can't remember this week too well.
Leon: (voice-only) Yeah… We gotta search my hut for clues.
(Camera zooms around the room, like a drunken fly)
Narrator: (voice-only) Where are you going to search?
Leon: (voice-only, sheepishly) Oh, um… how about my table?
(The camera stops and focuses on the table. It has the "traditional aliens" sticker, a greasy spanner, an interstellar map and something that resembles a receipt made of bits of microchip, with an icon of a traditional alien on it)
Waiter: (voice-only) Lots of stuff here.
Leon: (voice-only) Yeah, I don't recognize hardly any of it. Ok, what have we got here? The sticker that the traditional aliens stuck on my forehead, a spanner.
Narrator: (voice-only) A greasy spanner, so it's been used. But for what?
Waiter: (voice-only) You got a map of something, it's definitely not a recipe.
Leon: (voice-only) Definitely, it's better. It's my pocket map of this galaxy. A recipe for getting off, that's what it is. Hmm, we've got some weird thing as well.
Narrator: (voice-only) Looks like a receipt, an alien receipt.
Leon: (voice-only) Weird. We've got to figure this out.
Narrator: (voice-only) No, YOU do! This isn't Blues Clues, you know.
Leon: (voice-only, thinking) Well, the spanner means I've been working on something. The map means it must be a way off, 'cause I definitely need to navigate to get off. The alien sticker and receipt must mean… (exclaiming) I GOT IT! We've gotta find the General.
Narrator: (voice-only) Why?
Waiter: (voice-only) Yeah, what have you got?
Leon: (voice-only) If I'm right, you'll see it when we get to the General.
Narrator: (voice-only) Can't you just tell us now so we know what to expect?
Waiter: (voice-only) We're not leaving until you tell us.
Leon: (voice-only, sighs, reluctantly) Okay, I'll tell you…
(fades out, a brief spurt of static is heard)
Leon: (voice-only, mid sentence) …so that's why we've gotta find the General.
Waiter: (voice-only) Let's go, and to anyone watching, YOU'LL have to wait and see.

Scene XIV - Large Clearing - March 9th 2500

(Cut to the General, who is walking rapidly along, with the Comm-Unit and the copper wire, along a clearing)
Leon: (voice-only) Keep going, keep moving…
(Suddenly a show engulfs the General, so he looks up, slightly awed)
Leon: (voice-only) I thought so. The General has reached a spacecraft ready for launch. (Camera zooms out to reveal the General standing in front of a very retro looking rocket-like spacecraft. A lower hatch is open and the General turfs the Comm-Unit and the wire inside)
Comm-Unit: Ouch!
Leon: (voice-only, in realization) It's ours, we must have bought it off the "Traditional" Aliens just after they asked us if we wanted to buy something.
Waiter: (voice-only) Why didn't I buy anything, like food? (in realization) I got it! It's because aliens can't cook very well!
Narrator: (voice-only) What I want to know is, did that really happen, or did you make it happen by just saying so just now. That's the real question.
Waiter: (voice-only) Well, it doesn't bother me. What does is being sucked in, I'm going to join the General.
(The Waiter walks out of the spacecraft with a tray of biscuits)
Waiter: Hi General, want a biscuit?
General: (takes one) Thanks, (takes a bite)
Leon: (voice-only) Hey, I thought you were stuck, how'd you get down there?
Waiter: The Narrator's the only one who is stuck there. I was only stuck there because I didn't want to be sucked in the black hole on the surface, and watch my ingredients die.
Leon: (voice-only) How did you do that? Get down there? How do I do it?
Waiter: Easy. Just think about walking to the General.
Leon: (voice-only) What? Like this…
(Leon walks out of the spacecraft)
General: Hi Leon, are we ready to go?
Leon: I guess so… (opens eyes wide, then blinks, as if recovering from shock) Hey, I just remembered what's happened. We bought the ship from the traditional aliens, and have spent the past week preparing for take off, (excited) and now we're just about to go!
General: And you say that I state the stuff that everybody already knows. So, are we going?
Leon: Yeah…
(General, Leon and the Waiter all enter the spacecraft and shut the door)
(N.B. From this point on, the Narrator's voice gets more and more distorted, and a sucking noise can be heard)
Narrator: (voice-only) Yes, THEIR plot is solved all of a sudden and THEY are all leaving, but I'm being sucked in the black hole as we speak, and there's nothing anyone can do. Agggh! (struggling to speak) I'll do one last thing… before… I… go.
(The caption "TO BE CONTINUED" appears)
Waiter: (voice-only) Oh, how selfish!

Credits 2 - Credits

The work above is copyright Matt Quarterstein. You may print a copy of this for yourself, but all other rights are reserved.

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