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John Negated

008 John Negated Goes Shopping

18/6/2003

(John is walking along the street)
John (to audience) All roads lead to Rome, and all roams lead to roads. Isn't it true?
(John spots an envelope on the ground)
John What's this, it seems the postman forgot to send a letter.
(John picks up the envelope)
John No he didn't, this envelope is addressed to me! How did he know I'd be here?
(John opens the envelope)
John Oh look, there's some money inside! Lots of money. I've never had money before. I wonder what it does.
(John walks past burglars, yuppies, and a thief who steals a handbag off an old woman.)
(John eventually reaches a store)
John Maybe I'll find out in here.
(John enters the store)
(John Negated is now in an electronics store, looking in amazement at all the little doodads. Like a vulture, Assistant walks up to his side)
Assistant: Can I help you?
John No, I'm not in any danger.
Assistant: Oh, but you are in danger.
John I am?
Assistant: You are in danger of not buying anything!
John Oh dear, that sounds frightful. Tell me sir, how do I stop this danger?
Assistant: (motioning down an aisle) Why, step this way.
(John and the Assistant walk down the aisle)
Assistant: You need something that shows off your prosperity.
John Oh, I'm not that rude. Wouldn't I be cold if went around showing that off?
Assistant: What I mean is that you need something that tells the world you mean business.
John Like a business card?
Assistant: Try again, sir. You need something that gives you an edge.
John A pointy haircut? That has many edges.
(The Assistant reaches for a product and gives it to John)
Assistant: Here, you need a pocket calculator!
(John looks the calculator over)
John Ooh, I've never had a pocket calculator.
Assistant: You haven't? Oh, I can't live without mine.
John Can't you? (shocked) Does this mean I haven't lived all this time?
Assistant: Exactly, sir.
(John presses a couple of buttons)
John So apart from acting as a life support system, what else does this calculator do?
Assistant: It can add, subtract, multiply and divide.
John I can do all those things in my head!
Assistant: But this calculator can also travel through time, create objects out of thin air and make you fly!
John I can do all those things in my head too.
Assistant: I see...
(The Assistant carefully eases the pocket calculator from John's hands, squirts it twice with disenfectant, polishes it and puts it back on the rack)
Assistant: Are you saying you can do anything?
John I can do anything I set my mind to.
Assistant: Oh, you can NOT! Can you really fly like this pocket calculator?
John No, but I'm sure I can learn.
(The Assistant stops to think)
Assistant: You CAN do anything, sir, but it all takes time, hey? Time is money, don't you know?
John No, I didn't know that.
Assistant: Well, now you do.
John Time is money! Well, well. Clocks must be very expensive then!
Assistant: I think you missed the point. (sighs) Is there anything you'd like to do more than anything else in the world, right now?
John Yes, there is.
Assistant: What? What would you like to do?
John I would like to talk to my baby nephew. He's very adorable, the local fishermen were very proud. Yes, I would like to talk to him right now.
Assistant: And why can't you do that?
John For one, he lives in another country...
Assistant: Oh, but I can easily fix that.
John You can?
Assistant: I can sell you a mobile phone. You can talk to anyone on a mobile phone.
(John gets excited)
John Really? That's wonderful. I thought I'd have to wait for my nephew to learn his first words before I could talk to him. These mobile phones must do wonders.
Assistant: They do, but they can't do that for you.
John Oh...
(John looks dissapointed)
Assistant: You don't look satisfied. See? This is the danger I was talking about. If you don't buy something soon, you're going to leave the store miserable.
John Why am I going to leave the store miserable?
Assistant: Because I'm going to hit you in frustration! Why won't you buy anything? Is there anything you want? Anything you need?
John The only thing I need is to get rid of this money I found
(The Assistant is ready to burst into a fit of anger, but restrains himself)
Assistant: It's very easy to get rid of your money. Very easy indeed.
John What would be the easiest way?
Assistant: I'll walk you to the counter.
(John and the Assistant walk to the counter. John rests his envelope of money on the table. The assistant pulls out a gold bar.)
John What's that?
Assistant: It's a gold bar. It's a piece of metal that's too soft to use for anything and too heavy to carry around for too long. It's shine gets in peoples eyes
John Does it do any good at all?
Assistant: Yes, taking it is a very good way of getting rid of your money.
(John tries to work this out)
John Okay, I'll think I'll try it.
Assistant: Good for you, sir.
(John swallows the gold bar, the assistant remains calm)
John It didn't work. The money's still there!
Assistant: How about I take the money away from you, how about that?
(John is flattered)
John Would you do that for me?
Assistant: What are friends for?
(John ponders this)
John Friends are for finding, and I must find some friends! I must roam!
(John leaves the store, while the assistant counts the money)
Assistant: (to audience) King of the morons, that guy. That wasn't gold at all. It was a stick of butter! Not only that, but my silvers made of tinfoil and my bronze congealed barbeque sauce. Why, he would thought a sandwich was a treasure trove.
(The Waiter walks in)
Waiter: The way I make them, they are.

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