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007 John Negated and the Muscle for Muscle

By Matt Quarterstein


John Negated
Mountain Climbers 1 & 2
Musclemen 1-4

(John Negated awakens from a bed made out of crystal, there are cobwebs and everything. Everything else apart from the bed is dark.)
John: (to audience) Oh, hello. I must have dozed off. Must of been that magic apple I'd eaten. It's really annoying that, especially since I'm pretty sure I ordered the magic kiwi fruit.
(Man runs on with a kiwi fruit, hands it to John then runs off)
John: Oh, here it is!
(John, with all his might and concentration shoves the kiwi fruit up his sleeve, so it reaches the middle of his arm. It now looks like he has a large muscle to flex, like a strongman)
John: There, that ought to impress my proctologist! (to audience) Now, to show my little magic muscle off to them out there. You know, I've been travelling so long, I can't remember where I am.
(John walks off in confusion)
Narrator: (voice-only) Let's just say he's in Rio De Janerio.
(Very, very, very big caption: RIO DE JANERIO. This caption is so big it bursts out of the screen and fills the universe. Yes ladies and gentlemen, it's that big!)
(Cut to the beach, where John walks on with his fake kiwi fruit muscle)
John: Ah, Rio De Janerio. Home to fruit and... um... Brazil stuff. (looks behind and points) Oh look there's Mount Sugarloaf.
(Show a mountain like a giant loaf of bread covered in giant bits of crystalized sugar. There are many seagulls hanging around it. One lands on a large boulder of sugar, just above two mountain climbers. The sugar boulder sways, so the seagull flies away. The Mountain Climbers look up in horror)
Mountain Climbers: Avalanche!
(The sugar boulder dissolves as it falls. One Mountain Climber runs, the other holds up a cereal bowl full of cereal and lets it get doused in sugar.)
Narrator: (voice-only) Is there even a Mount Sugarloaf in Brazil, has someone got their Geography stuffed up or what?
(Meanwhile, John has walked down some beach to some musclemen, all who are flexing their muscles)
John: (pointing to musclemen) What an ideally ideal place for me to try out my new fake muscle made from magic kiwi fruit. (walks over to musclemen)
(The musclemen look at John as if he's stepped in something)
John: Hello gentlemen and not so gentlemen. Check out my muscular piece of muscle. (flexes fake muscle) Hey? Hey?
Muscleman1: (with urgency) Where did you get that?
John: (mock boasting) I got it from training really hard.
Muscleman2: I haven't seen you at any of the official gyms on Earth, and I've been going to them for 17 years.
John: All at once? At the same time?
Muscleman2: (as if it is obvious) Yeah! And if that was your muscle, you'd know that you have to be in every single gym in the world at the same time to get muscles like that.
Muscleman3: (pushes John) You've stole that muscle from somewhere haven't you?
John: (a little unconfortable) Ok, it's not real. (rolls up sleeve) It's just a magic kiwi fruit. A plain old, magic kiwi fruit that you can get from any corner shop.
Muscleman4: Well, there aint no corner shops here, this is the beach butty!
John: Don't you mean buddy?
Muscleman3: (slaps John in the face) He's not your buddy, butty, and neither are we. I think you stole that kiwi fruit.
John: No, I bought it. I bought it with money!
(Muscleman2, who is not wearing a shirt, takes off his skin to reveal a policemans uniform underneath)
Muscleman2: A likely story from a likely lad. I bet you did steal that fruit. Would you like fries with that? I mean... you are under arrest. (clamps a hand around Johns wrist and flings John's arm behind his back) Yes arrest, for stealing a magic fruit. What's your name?
John: (stuttering) J-John, John Negated!
(The Musclemen are even more shocked)
Muscleman1: That's my name you bastard! (kicks John in the mouth, leaving an oversized shoe)
John: (spits out the shoe and seven cloves of garlic) Well, what a coincidence. You aren't exactly being a blood brother to me, are you?
Muscleman1: I should take you to the courts for this, my name is a registered trademark. I need it for all the crappy plastic figurines that are going to be built in my honour
John: Well... um... I can't help being named how I was named. That's what my mother called me. Muscleman1: Liar! You stole it from me.
John: How old are you?
Muscleman1: 24
John: Well I am 34, John, so I couldn't have possibly have stolen your name from you.
Muscleman4: Well how come we've never seen you on this beach? You could have changed your name just to make things difficult for Muscleman 1... I mean John Negated. Yeah, you made it harder for him to sell his crappy figurines he's gonna sell. How do you explain yourself?
John: I travel a lot?
Muscleman2: Well, seeing as though you are new, we're gonna take it easy on ya. We're only going to kick the crap out of you.
John: (to audience, sadly) I guess I won't be showing off to the proctologist after all.
(The Musclemen start pounding and beating up John, Matt Quarterstein walks on) Matt: Hello. I wrote this story, right, and I won't have my main character pushed round by a bunch of buffs.
(Matt blows over the musclemen, then they all turn into snails. Matt then turns into bunch of pansies and spins into the horizon, turning into a black and white photograph of a rainbow)
John: Hmm, maybe I'd better find another adventure. Nothings making much sense around here.
(Johns legs grow really long, and he steps over the water to England, and leaves Rio De Jainero
THE END... for now!)

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