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Meeting Mr Nozzle

John Negated #6
By Matt Quarterstein 9/3/2002

Dramatis Personae:
John Negated
Mr Nozzle
Hungry
Bottlo


(Begin in nothingness, pure white. John Negated walks through)
John: The thing about all this nothingness is that you don't know how fast you are walking. Am I too fast, am I too slow? I know I've got to be one of them. Something just doesn't feel right.
(John conrtinues to walk until a pencil drawn path begins to appear in front of him)
John: Oh, good! A path, something to look at. With all this nothingness, I might as well have been blind.
(John follows the path until grass, trees, flowers and rocks appear around him, a whole landscape)
John: I hope I don't scare anyone, as I have just come out of nowhere all of a sudden. (looks around him) What a nice landscape.
(John keeps walking, until he comes across a park bench. On the bench is Mr Nozzle, a short, dumpy man with coke bottle glasses and a toupee. He wears a bright blue suit, with bright red flares, and a tie with bright smiley faces and stars dotted over it. Next to him is a gargantuan pile of muffins. Nozzle sees John and stands up to shake his hand)
(N.B. Nozzle has an American accent and speaks quickly)
Nozzle: (exuberant) Heya! How are you doin'? The name that belongs to me is Nozzle. Mr Nozzle, and not because I have a big snoz, if you catch my drift. No? Well, what's your name?
John: Well... my names John Neg...
Nozzle: Great to meet ya John, it really is. Great to see someone here, I was beginning to get so homesick I could vomit, you know. And I'm talking drunk man's vomit, none of the piddly baby puke. Yeah, I've been alone here for quite some time, when did you arrive?
John: Just now actually...
Nozzle: Just now? What a great time of year to come down this way. Absolutely great time to come down. You know why, buddy? (picks up muffin from his pile) Cause it's muffin season round here.
John: Muffin season?
Nozzle: Yeah, the best part of the year to harvest muffins. You know what I'm saying, don't ya? Everyone who enters this realm from like nowhere gets a free muffin. Did you come from nowhere?
John: You could say that...
Nozzle: Well, look in your pocket. You'll find a nice muffin there, right out of nothing. I'm no Einstein, but I can tell you that newcomers get a new muffin every time they come here. I think the one's that are getting dished out of the ol' thin air right now are vanilla and cherry.
(John looks in his pocket and pulls out a vanilla and cherry muffin)
John: How about that, a muffin!
Nozzle: "How about that" he says. (cackles) Kid, you just scored yourself a muffin, I was right, wasn't I? It's vanilla and cherry and everything, you know. They've got that nice rich flavour that you can't get in one of them standard muffins, know what I mean? Tell you what, pal. I like you. I like you as a buddy, a chum and I've only just met you. That's good, cause we'll be friends pretty soon, how about that? And since you're such a good buddy of mine, I'll show you a little secret. It's so secret, not even my back hairs know abou it, you know what I'm saying? (Lifts toupee and gets out a chocolate chip muffin)
John: A chocolate chip muffin?
Nozzle: Yep, the very first muffin I ever got. Back when you could get chocolate. It's very special to me, even though I've got about 40 now, this was the very first. It's history, so I keep it where no one can ever find it. (puts Toupee on, with muffin underneath) People think I must wear the same toupee 17 days in a row, but I don't you know. I have 17 of the same toupee. 17! And no one believes me when I tell them that. Between you and me, I get a little parnoid about it. A little nuts, you know (starts laughing) So I... so I wash my toupees like twice a day, like all 17 of them. You don't have a toupee, do ya?
John: No...
Nozzle: (pulling John's hair) Yep, this definitely is your real hair. Nice stuff too, if you ever want to use your hair as toupee harvest, let me know, ok?
John: Right...
Nozzle: You going to eat that muffin? Cause I'll take it in exchange for a tour round the place.
John: (unsure) Ok...
Nozzle: (takes muffin and puts it in pile) Nice doing business with you. As friends we should do a lot of business. That's what friends are for and can afford, right? Right? (puts arm around John, leading him on) C'mon, I'll show you the place.
(John and Nozzle walk off)
(Cut to a place with many cherry blossom trees, their petals lining the ground. All around are starving people, holding their stomachs. A lone muffin is in the middle of this scene, with a few of the starving people squabbling over it. John and Nozzle walk on)
Nozzle: This is pretty much the rest of the place, apart from my park bench before everything goes back to nothing, and no one wants to go back there, right? These guys live around here, but they're not my buddies, like you are. They don't like me because I have so many muffins. (angry) Well, they could get some too, y'know, if they had a work ethic!
(Hungry [a ragged person] crawls over to John's feet)
Hungry: Please... spare us a muffin. We are starving because of Mr Noz...
(Nozzle kicks him in the mouth)
Nozzle: Outta the way, you freeloader. (to John) I mean, we all get a muffin on the way in, and it's enough to keep you well fed for quite some time.
John: It is?
Nozzle: Yeah, so I don't see why they always want me to help them. (walks amongst the squabbling starving people and grabs the muffin) Hmm, I don't have this one. Thanks buddies...
(John and Nozzle walk off)
(Cut back to the park bench, where Hungry is limping toward the pile of muffins. He takes one, and slowly limps away, but not before John and Nozzle come back on)
Nozzle: Hey! He's stealing my muffin. MY MUFFIN. Come back, you!
(Hungry runs away)
John: You shouldn't worry, you've got plenty. It's not that big a deal.
Nozzle: (exasperated) Not that big a deal? I need those muffins to live, and I need to get more all the time, because I want to live better in this place. This is a tragedy, and this area has changed forever because of it. (goes over to muffins, heartbroken) I just have to ask, why me? Why did they choose to steal from me. What did I do to them?
John: Well...
Nozzle: (snarling) I know why, because they don't like the fact I'm so good at getting muffins, they don't believe in the people's right to eat as much or as little as they like. They are against eating, in fact.
John: No, I just think he was really starving, and was desperate to be fed, and to perhaps show to you that he was starving.
Nozzle: Well, if that was the case, he would have ASKED me for a muffin. He did not, he stole, and I will NEVER feed a thief. I see that there are gluttons in this land, gluttons who don't understand the way of Mr Nozzle, the only way to follow. This is war. A war on gluttons.
John: Now I don't think this is very fair...
Nozzle: Fair? I'll tell you fair. My way is fair for us. The right to eat as much as we want without fear of gluttons taking our muffins from us. I will see justice done...
John: Well, I'm not going to help you, this isn't what I like to do...
Nozzle: YOU HAVE TO! You gave a muffin to me, so you are with me, whether you like it or not. (grabs John and drags him off)
(Cut to the cherry blossom tree clearing, in clear view of a hut made of fresh pink blossoms. Bottlo is there, carrying a soft drink bottle. Bottlo is dressed like a stealth trooper, complete with black headband, balaclava, and knives in his belt. John and Nozzle walk on)
Nozzle: This is Bottlo, trained assassin with a soft drink bottle. He also made my special glasses so that I can see any muffin in the hands of potential gluttons, and can confiscate them from their evil mouths and into my secure muffin pile. Show Johnny here what you can do to take the fear away.
Bottlo: Right. (takes a swig from his bottle, aiming the bottom of the bottle at the hut)
(The bottle zaps the hut, leaving it bone dry and brittle. It then collapses before their eyes)
John: That actually scares me more than anything...
Nozzle: Would you rather be a glutton like them, or like me? (takes a muffin and piggishly swallows it hole, leaving crumbs smeared all over his face) C'mon Bottlo, we have a muffin to retrieve.
Bottlo: Right.
(Bottlo and Nozzle walk off, dragging John with him)
(The three walk back to the clearing with all the starving people, who are crowded around Hungry happily sharing the muffin between each other.)
Nozzle: There he is. BOTTLO!
(Bottlo takes a swig from his bottle and aims the base of the bottle at Hungry. It fires a laser beam and knocks Hungry dead. This scatters the starving people into hiding away from the clearing)
Nozzle: (walks up to the abandoned muffin) I got it back, but this is far from over. New people enter this area every day, and if they have a muffin, they are a potential glutton. Only I may have muffins. If they resist, Bottlo shall see justice done.
John: (disgusted) Um... I best be on my way, so I'll see you later Mr Nozzle. It was... interesting meeting you and your ideas. Could I have my muffin back to keep my energy up on my journey?
Nozzle: As much as I'd like to, potential ally, I can't. I want a 25% increase in my muffin intake, and you taking a whole one muffin isn't going to suit my plans. You can blame the gluttons for that.
John: I'm certainly blaming one glutton... (walks off in disgust)
Nozzle: What a dumb guy. Bottlo, have you ever seen anyone so stupid and ugly?
Bottlo: No, he was pretty bad wasn't he?
Nozzle: He certainly was, lets hope we never see him again. Gee, I'm thristy. Can I have a drink, Bottlo?
Bottlo: Sure, sir. (hands bottle to Nozzle)
(Nozzle drinks, aiming the base of the bottle at Bottlo's head and firing a laser beam, leaving him dead)

THE END... For now


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