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John in John and Betty Land

John Negated #5
By Matt Quarterstein 22/2/2002

Dramatis Personae:
John Negated
Narrator (voice-only)

(Begins in white nothingness, and eerie wind is blowing. John appears with a pop. He appears surprised. After looking at his surroundings, he brushes himself off)
John: Where have you put me?
Narrator: Here. Now.
John: Oh, that's lucky then. Better than appearing before, that would be quite repetitive.
Narrator: This is John.
John: Yes, it is. I know who I am, and proud of it.
(Betty, a woman in a blue dress with one long plait down her back, appears)
Narrator: This is Betty.
Betty: (to John) Hi!
John: Pleased to meet you. Where did you come from?
Betty: Here. Now.
John: (as if realizing something) Oh, right!
Narrator: John can jump. (John jumps, seemingly against his will)
John: Hey! I said you could be my narrator, not order me round without permission. That's rude.
Narrator: Betty can jump.
(Betty jumps, laughing, as if being tickled)
John: Betty, did you want to jump, or did he force you to?
Betty: Who did? No... I wanted to jump.
John: Ok, just checking. Maybe I felt like jumping just before, but didn't know it.
Narrator: John can jump to Betty (John jumps, stumbles, and falls over in front of Betty)
John: Ow! No I know I didn't want to do that. (to Narrator) Stop it! (gets up)
Narrator: Betty can jump to John. (Betty jumps in John's direction, falling over. She knocks down John in the process) Betty: That was fun (gets up)
John: (struggling to get up, frustrated) I don't think it was. Please stop this at once, don't touch me!
Narrator: John can jump to the swamp.
John: What? (John starts to float)
Betty: Wow! You're flying
John: Yeah, but I don't really feel like flying...
(John floats away)
John: Ahhhh! Betty: That looks like a lot of fun indeed. I wish I could fly.
(Cut to swamplands, these look dirty, grimy and brown. John falls from the sky into the swamp)
Narrator: What a big jump for John!
John: You mean fall! (spits out marshweed, and coughs)
(Cut to a luxury hotel, where Betty is eating chocolates and watch TV)
Narrator: Betty can jump to the five star luxury hotel.
Betty: (to camera) I flew, actually. (chewing on a chocolate) Ooh, Turkish delight. Yummy.
(Cut back to the swamp, and a disgruntled John)
John: Hey! How come she gets to go there, and I get dumped here?
Narrator: The swamp can jump to Betty.
John: (frightened) I don't like the sound of that...
(All the mud in the swamp, including John, suddenly lifts into the sky, and floats off.)
(Cut to the outside of the hotel, where swamp water rains on the roof, John falls out of the sky, getting a grip on a ledge, right outside Betty's window.)
John: Help! HELP!
Betty: (waves to John) Hi John.
John: (feebly) Help, please... (starts to lose grip)
Narrator: The hotel can jump to Jupiter.
John: (croaks) No... Betty: (jumps up and down, excitedly) Oh goody.
(Cut to outside the hotel, which struggles off its foundations. John holds on for dear life as it flies away, into the sky)
John: Nooooooooooo!
(Cut to space, the hotel flying along through it)
John: Nooooooooo! Wait a minute, how can I scream in space?
Betty: (waves out window) Hi John.
(The hotel falls into Jupiter, seeming to burn up)
(Cut to blank area again, where John, whose clothes appear singed, falls out of the sky, flat onto his stomach)
John: Ow! (gets up, wincing) I've had enough. Is this your opinion of an adventure, Mr. Narrator?
Narrator: Why yes, it's all over now...
John: Oh good. (catches breath) Good... how about I give you an adventure? To repay your favour.
Narrator: Why certainly.
John: I think after that, I'd better be on my way.
Narrator: Ok, go right ahead.
John: This is John. Hello! This is Narrator.
Narrator: Hello.
John: Narrator can fall down stairs.
(SFX: Falling down stairs)
Narrator: Ahhh!
(SFX: Crash)
John: John can play with a yoyo.
(A bright yellow yoyo appears in John's hand. He begins to do some basic tricks with it)
Narrator: This isn't fair!
John: (to Narrator) I'm just repaying your favour. Narrator can become distorted by mystical winds
(The Narrator screams, which is Flanged, mechanized, compressed, blared, and many other weird effects)
Narrator: (in warped voice) Stop! Stop!
John: Okay, I'm just going to leave then... (walks off, then walks back on. Quickly and cheekily speaking) John gets newspaper, Narrator gets strapped to a rocket and joins Betty on Jupiter, where they have a tea party together, forever and ever and ever
(A newspaper appears in John's hand, and he runs off)
Narrator: No!
(SFX: A rocket blasting off and away)
Betty: (voice-only) Hi Narrator. Bye John.
Narrator: I deserve this, I have been SO mean. Could I have a cup of tea and a Turkish delight Betty?
Betty: (voice-only) Sure.
(SFX: Hear pouring cup)
Narrator: Ah, that's the stuff.

THE END... For now

Read John Negated #6 - Meeting Mr Nozzle
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