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Voyage to Unnamed Adventure

John Negated #4
© Matt Quarterstein 14/2/2002

Dramatis Personae:
John DePosited

John Negated

(Begins inside a tent. It is sparsely furnished, apart from a rocking horse and a hole in the ground, which pulsates with white light, steam billowing out. Raven, a black haired young woman, is standing over the hole, looking panicky)
Hole: As I have said before, John Negated has jumped into this hole, and I have duplicated him into a relatively evil duplicate. And as I have said before, only one of the two will appear out here, into your custody Raven.
Raven: (rolling her eyes) Thanks for reminding me...
Hole: The other will be banished to a realm I have not decided yet, as a hole in the ground is lacking in many substantial things, including a brain for thinking.
Raven: (suddenly concerned) I hope the original John comes out, I don't want to have to introduce myself to another person at this party, it's getting so tedious. If I have to introduce myself to another person, (looks away from hole longingly) I'll miss out on the extra special pinyata.
Hole: I am now releasing the John I have let free.
(John De Posited comes out of the hole. He is dressed in tweed, tweed jacket, tweed pants, and tweed t-shirt and tweed shoes. He has blonde hair, a bushy moustache and a CD case in his hand)
DePosited: (Very sleazily to Raven) Hey baby. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?
Raven: (disgusted) Did it hurt when you wormed your way out of hell?
DePosited: (thinks for a second) Yeah, the truth hurts. And it's true that I'm bad to the bone, baby.
Raven: That is the worst comeback I have ever heard! (to Hole) You're right! He is evil. He's a sleaze, and that's about as evil as you can get. Worst of all, he's a dumb sleaze.
Hole: I did warn you.
Raven: Oh well, (regretfully) I guess I'll never see John Negated again. That's a shame... (looking at DePosited with contempt) You can go outside to the party if you want.
DePosited: (ripping off jacket and throwing it in the hole) Aw, ripper! (runs out of tent)
(Raven sighs in exhaustion and reluctantly follows DePosited out)
(Cut outside to a tent city, with a clearing where a crowd of people are partying to Brazilian music provided by a band, seen in the background. Raven exits a nearby tent and walks through the crowd to find DePosited talking to Neo-Serf)
DePosited: Yeah, I got a rave going, and I could invite you to come for only half price
Neo-Serf: Excuse me?
DePosited: Yeah, it's true. I know the bouncers, so it's heaps easy to get in. So are you going to come with?
Neo-Serf: (to Raven) Who is this refuse artist?
Raven: He's the result of John's accident, he had to um... leave early.
Neo-Serf: Oh ok...
(meanwhile DePosited is wandering around accosting members of the crowd)
DePosited: Anyone want to listen to some real good music. Deep from the underground. It's filthy good scummz, man. Makes me want to dance (starts dancing really badly)
(The crowd crowds round him and begins to boo)
Neo-Serf: (to Raven) I wonder where John is now?
Raven: The hole only knows.... and doesn't care
(fades out)
(fades in, white everywhere. John Negated is seen floating downwards, apparently suspended in mid air)
John: Hmm, I guess I really should check with a local before I go diving in weird alien duplication holes. Oh well, if that sort of situation ever happens again, I'll be ready.
(John continues to float downwards for a while)
(N.B. Emm is a foreboding echoing voice with no body)
Emm: (eerily and slowly) Jooooooooohn
John: (slowly, almost laughing) Yeeeeeees?
Emm: (still eerie and slow) Joooooooooohn. Are you scaaaaaared of meeeeeeeee?
John: (looking around to find out who is talking) How can I, I don't know who you are, let alone how powerful you are or anything like that?
Emm: Well, knooooooow thiiiiiiiis! I am all around you, I know everything about you. Because you are living and breathing in my realm. I know everything and everything. I could let you live, or let you die. I could let you float forever, or put you on any alien landscape that would drive even the bravest man to the wildest insanity.
John: (fascinated) Really? Even over there? (points to an unseen location). That looks like it could scare me.
Emm: Why certainly... (starts to laugh like a maniac) Your wish is my command (continues laughing)
John: Why, thank you (disappears)
(Cut to an orange, flat, landscape, as far as they eye can see. The sky is gray, without features of any kind. John suddenly appears, kneeling down in the middle of the landscape, he sits up and looks around him)
John: (impressed) Yes, very nice and alienating... I wonder what I shall find. (begins to walk along)
(As he walks along this landscape, icon-like fists and peace sign waving hands rush around him, like eddying snow. John reaches a path, it is blue, and walks along it. It begins to dip down into a valley. Once at the bottom, John gasps in astonishment)
John: Would you look at that!
(Before John are giant mobile phones, with claws and skinny legs with big boots, sharp teeth and beady little eyes. The hop around gnashing their teeth at each other and cackling, making bouncing noises when they hop. John walks in amongst them, they eye him contemptuously and open their mouths, dial tones can be heard.)
John: (looks into one phones mouth) Fascinating, this one is a pre-paid! (continues to walk along)
(A little distance up from the phones are giant smiles, young adult teeth lining them. They laugh, oozing a vile black fluid wherever they go. John walks up to them)
John: Hello
(The smiles laugh and float away)
John: (feeling unloved) Oh ok, then. Bye.
(Suddenly, an giant internet refrigerator flies overhead, overshadowing everything, squealing like a piglet as it flies by. John ducks in fright)
John: As heavenly as this place looks, I think I'd better get out of here. (walks on, this time at a faster pace)
(John reaches an area pocked with what appears to be potholes. On John reaching them, it can be seen that they are flesh-like canals, all oozing mucus and pulsating, as if swallowing, like the inside of hundreds of throats)
John: I wonder if these provide a way out?
(The smiles, the running hands, the mobile phone and the fridge suddenly crowd around John, a cruel look in their posture, hostile even. John backs away in fright)
John: (scared) Oh... I...I'm sorry. I didn't know it was offensive to consider leaving this place (begins to back away towards one of the potholes) You... you're all veg...vegetarians, right? I mean, I haven't seen anything to eat around here, but I'm sure you are very resourceful.
Emm: They want to eat you!
John: Oh! I had a feeling they did. As much as I'd like to be eaten, though, I'd rather jump into one of these mucus filled potholes. (jumps in)
(Cut to John sliding down a mucus filled tunnel, he looks bored)
John: (plainly) If this was fun, I'd say "whee". But it's not, it's really disgusting. It really is...
(The tunnel ends and John slides out, relatively clean, into a blue, cube room. It is empty apart from Barry, a middle-aged man, wearing fishing gear. He is painting rainbows on the wall furthest from John, although they all only have two colours in them, often not colours even in the rainbow. When John lands, Barry turns around, shocked)
Barry: Who are you? How did you get here?
John: Sometimes I don't know the answer to either of those questions. But for now, (goes to shake hands with Barry) I'm John Negated.
Barry: My names Barry. Call me Barry for short, or if you want to be weird about it, call me Barry
John: Hi Barry
Barry: Oh, you want to be weird about it... figures... you seem a weird looking guy.
John: Why thanks! (takes a bow)
Barry: So, how did you get here?
John: I think I got banished here by an elemental hole or something... not quite sure...
Barry: (weirded out) O...k.
John: How did you get here?
Barry: Well, my wife died and all I was left with was a son, but her death hit him real bad. He started to live life to the excesses. Drinking, smoking, video games, sci-fi, one of those anyway... he got addicted and left home. So I was alone, so I open up a vortex in my backyard and came here, to paint and get away from everything. But because I didn't know how I created a vortex, since I'm only an ordinary guy, I couldn't create one to get back, so I've been stuck here.
John: (weirded out) O...k... (suddenly getting an idea) Those are really nice paintings, you know.
Barry: (looks to the ground, modestly) Aww, thanks.
John: You mind if I have a try?
Barry: (hands paints to John) Sure.
(John paints a child-like painting of a boat on the sea)
John: It's a boat on the sea! (paints a stick figure) And there's you Barry, you can go home!
(Barry disappears and the stick figure begins to move)
Barry: (the stick figure) Thanks, bye!
(The stick figure hops in the boat and sails away)
John: (shakes his head) My art is that bad, that it doesn't last one minute, let alone withstand the ages... hmm.... I guess I'm alone now.
Narrator: Yes that's right. John was all alone in the blue room by himself, little did he know that a narrator was narrating his story.
John: (looks around) Well, I do now.
Narrator: Oh... um... well, little does he know that this room is haunted.
John: By what?
Narrator: By giant wonky teeth and thigh muscles.
John: That doesn't sound good.
(suddenly the walls begin to shimmer and teeth and thigh muscles begin to grow out of the walls, also coloured blue, and sniggering the number 4 over and over)
John: It doesn't look good either, (looking around in panic) rather scary too!
Narrator: Yes, (starts to cry) I'm scared! Get me out.
John: Well, I don't want you being scared. If I could get you out, I would.
Narrator: I can't get out, cause I want to be your narrator.
John: You do?
Narrator: Yes.
John: I've never had a narrator before.
Narrator: Well, now's your chance to have one.
John: I don't think you want to do that, I got wonky teeth and thigh muscles too. (shows teeth and lifts his trouser leg to show his thigh muscles)
Narrator: Well, nobody's perfect. I'll tell you what, if I get to narrate an adventure of yours, the I'll get you out of this place.
John: Well, that'd sound like a good deal, but I don't have that many adventures.
Narrator: Yes, you do. I've been watching you. In the city, in the plane of sand, on the elemental beach, and here.
John: Oh... alright then. You can be my narrator, I was getting bored of this place anyway...
Narrator: Yay! I mean... the deal was done and John now had a Narrator. Check out his next adventure. The end... for now.
(John disappears)

THE END... for now

Read John Negated #5 - John in John and Betty Land
Back to John Negated #3 - John De Posited
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