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Episode 4 - Upgrade

By Matt Quarterstein

SCENE I - Sweepstakes Logo - 1999

(N.B. The narrator and Waiter are voice-overs)

Narrator: Hi! And welcome to "The Adventures of Leon Chubbadanfish, the Waiter and General Breadbasket", stay tuned folks because you could win big in our Sweepstakes. Just answer 3 simple questions and you could win this car!

(show car)

Narrator: Or a trip to Hawaii

(show Hawaii)

Narrator: Or a date with some supermodel…

(Show bulldog)

Narrator: Or…

Waiter: What are you talking about? All I can see in here is a broom. They could win that, but not all that other stuff. Is another stupid promotion?

Narrator: (restrained) Oh, you're such a joker Waiter! There's PLENTY of stuff here. Including this lawnmower…

(Show broom)

Narrator: Wait! That's the broom. Get it off! They'll lose interest…

Waiter: But it's a really good broom. It's broomtastic, and it IS all we have. Or they can have my leaf, once it is dissected.

(Cut to a logo reading "Sweepstakes!")

Narrator: Save it for the plot, Waiter. Ahem. So you could win, just stay tuned. (excited) Oh! We're going to get ratings for sure… oops. The titles aren't on yet.

(SFX: Beep)

Narrator: Ah, there we go…

Credits 1 - Titles

Scene II - Outside General's Turf - February 2nd 2500

(General is strolling happily about, singing)

General: (singing) …so put another chicken in the kitchen pot…. (stops singing) Wait… was it "pitchin' trot". I don't know. (sings) So, what do you do when you have five chickens, put another chicken in the pitchy chot. (stops singing) No… that's not right either. (rambles on while he walks)

(Cyborg can be seen in the background, he moves, letting out a creak)

General: What? What was that? Leon! Are you well again? That congealed maple syrup must have done wonders. Leon? Waiter? (turns round and sees Cyborg) What? Who are you? Some kind of alien? Hello?

(N.B. Cyborg had a computerized voice)

Cyborg: Not an alien. I detest aliens (turns to General). Are you friend or foe?

General: (panicky) Foe? I don't even know what that means. This beastie is using some psychic attack on me. Ahhhh! (runs off)

Cyborg: He runs off! Now why would you do that? How's a cyborg supposed to get about in the century with people like that? (Gets out bag of "MICRO-CHIPS" and eats one) Bleaah! I can't even eat a bag of 'chips anymore. Obsolete by 2495. I thought they tasted a bit slow, but (throws back away) Phwoof!

Scene III - Waiter's Hut - February 2nd 2500

(Leon is in bed, bored)

Leon: A month I've been in bed! A month! After that thing with Zorg, I haven't been hunting. By now the army's probably gone without me, f**king Commander! And when I fell from Zorg's ship, the Comm-Unit cracked and broke a few components, so now it only has 128 bit fuzzy graphics and 160 Gig memory. It can't do anything. Oh well, only a couple more weeks til I'm fully healed, I think. (settles down to sleep)

(General runs in, terrified)

General: Leon! Leon! I saw a nasty! It's going to eat me, ahhhh!

(Leon falls out of bed in surprise)

Leon: (in pain) Ahhhh! My leg. Did you have to do that, General?

General: (stops being panicky) It's better than that other thing I could do. Shall I do that instead?

Leon: Ok (thinks) On second thoughts, don't. In fact, don't ever mention the other thing ever again.

General: Okay (panics again) There's a nasty in the forest and it has eaten by brain. Agggh! And it's going to fill the world with CHEESE!

(Waiter walks in)

Waiter: I hope that's vintage cheese and not that plastic stuff (to camera) Hello!

Leon: Waiter, you're not talking to the cows again?

Waiter: I'm NOT talking to cows, and if I was they'd be ignoring me because I've just been cooking beef.

General: Did you see it Waiter? Did you see the beast?

Waiter: I would have had to. I just minced it up into burgers. Do you want one?

General: You made it into burgers? Yay! (starts dancing and singing) The Waiter killed the nasty! The Waiter killed the nasty! La! La-la! La-la! La!

Waiter: Nasty? No, I mean the cow!

General: (face drops then panics) It's going to kill us and turn the world into Dijon Mustard. Ahhhh! (runs around)

Leon: General. (waits for a response, louder) General! (waits for a response, shouting) GENERAL! (waits for a response, gets out Plasma rifle from under his bed, sets to stun, and shoots General)

(The General falls over and raises his hand like a puppet)

General: (making his hand mouth the words like a puppet) It's going to destroy the world and all the chocolate factories! Ah! (hand falls down)

Leon: (satisfied) There! I thought he'd never shut up. Now Waiter…

Waiter: Yes, I am the now Waiter. In fact, I'm always the now Waiter, the then Waiter was me but got shifted to now.

Scene IV - Nowhere - 2499

(Waiter is standing there, albeit in some retro fashion)

Waiter: He was lucky to be promoted. I'm the then Waiter, and I do past stuff. So… I'd better go back then and not here now, which is then… so… um… I should be here. You know, I'm a bit confused, so I think you should just watch the rest of the show.

Scene V - Waiter's Hut - February 2nd 2500

Leon: (angry) Waiter!

Waiter: (looks up) Yes… that's my…

Leon: Ok. No more crap! Waiter, if there's some kind of alien out there. I need to hunt it NOW!

Waiter: You can't, your leg is broken.

Leon: I know that! I need a cure for it, and I know you probably have one and just won't tell me.

Waiter: Well, I don't, I'd have haven it to you now because you're in my house, taking up my space. I haven't had any time to dissect my leaf.

(Leon rolls his eyes)

Waiter: I could do that now! (gets out knife and leaf) Now, all you need to do to dissect a leaf is…

(A buzzing noise is heard)

Waiter: Now what?

Leon: It's this stupid Comm-Unit (picks it up) Now what's it after? (to Comm-Unit) Comm-Unit, local readings.

Comm-Unit: (buzzing) Interference… (more buzzing) breaking USO 2120 code… (more buzzing) …too low power to override (buzzing, then fuzzing)

Leon: Bah, it's gone dead.

Waiter: No it hasn't!

(Comm-Unit plays the death dirge)

Waiter: NOW it has! (to camera) Now, THAT'S a stylish Comm-Unit. They don't make them like that anymore.

Leon: You killed the cow, so don't talk to it.

Waiter: It's not a cow. See?

(Cut to bulldog. Cut back)

Leon: So you've gone talking to supermodels now, have you? Great! Waiter, what do you reckon is causing the interference?

Waiter: I know I didn't, I should have though. Oh well, everyone has the right to interrupt other peoples stuff. Equal rights, y'know. But personally, I think, that the interference was caused by some kind of technology. Computers!

Leon: Maybe that "nasty" outside is doing it. It could be a cyborg! I could hunt it down using this (picks up Comm-Unit) as a tracking device, then dismantle it and use its chip to upgrade the Comm-Unit. (face drops) That is IF I could be cured, and IF it is a cyborg.

Waiter: Oh! It's a cyborg, all right. I saw it's serial number on the way in here.

Leon: (really angry) You… what? (prepares to lunge as best he can at the Waiter)

Waiter: (walking off calmly) Speaking of this brilliant plan, I've got a cure for you.

(Leon lunges, just missing the Waiter and causing more damage to himself)

Waiter: Be back in a tick! (walks out)

Leon: (groaning) Ow… I should have known, I really should have known that. What sh*t!

General: (delirious on ground, singing out of tune) I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it now…ugggh (blacks out)

Scene VI - Nowhere - February 2nd 2500

(Waiter is there)

Waiter: Now, there should be something for me to say here, but the plot has gone quiet. Too quiet, in fact, it's all piecing together. It could almost be… (shocked) No… it couldn't be! It's not possible!

Narrator: (voice-only) Oh yes, it iissss! It's a commercial break.

Waiter: You can't do that! This is wrong! It's so… so… Channel 9ish!

Narrator: (voice-only) Well so is Jana Wednt but you never see her on just one channel. Now…

(Cane comes on and pulls Waiter away)

Waiter: Hey, you arrogant pig!

(The Sweepstakes logo comes down)

Narrator: (voice-only) Now folks, don't forget. Our Sweepstakes are on and we are picking up your calls right now. We will draw the winner… and give details later in the show (quietly). Probably near the end when you've watched all of it and given us decent ratings. Then maybe we could make it to the Top 20… ahem! So stay tuned folks and you could win a really good prize! Um… now since this is a commercial break, shouldn't there be ads? (Hear a dong, then a slump)

Waiter: (voice-only) Er… I don't think so. Now back to the show, sorry about that.

Scene VII - Outside Waiter's Hut - February 2nd 2500

(Waiter is there with a tray of medicine, Cyborg is in the background)

Waiter: (to Cyborg) Don't worry, old thing. We'll hunt you in a minute.

(Cyborg looks confused, Waiter walks off screen)

Cyborg: Cannot compute. More logically, cannot be bothered computing because my chips will crash from thinking too fast. I think I'll just sit here and download some Neo-Hippie pictures from the InterPlanetNet. (Begins making whirring noises) Now THAT would make a good optical sensor saver. Hmmm…

Scene VIII - Inside Waiter's Hut - February 2nd 2500

(General s swaying on the floor and Leon is wincing in pain. Waiter comes in)

Waiter: Here I am with the medicine.

Leon: About time too. What type is it?

Waiter: It's my own special brand. All purpose Super-Duper potion. Bottled 2453. I made it in my backyard when I was 6. Do you want it first, or should I give it to the General, since he doesn't look too good.

General: (hazy) 1 Peppermint, 2 Peppermint …er… 1 Peppermint, 5 Peppermint…

Leon: Gee, I only stunned him… well, I suppose he was already stunned. Okay. Let him have the stuff first.

Waiter: It really is good for what ails ya. (to camera) Now, how to cure a patient. First, you get my Super Duper Medicine, like so. And then put it in the patients mouth (gets spoon and serves to General) Now the patient should be cured.

Leon: (bluntly) Nothing's happening!

Waiter: You've got to wait a bit.

(A little bit later, the General jolts up)

General: (plummy accent) I say, old bean, what a delightful day. Want to go cyborg hunting in a while, old chap. Splendid. Eh? What? (jolts again, normal voice) Er… Hi. Leon, Waiter. Did I have a nap? And I didn't even need to listen to any army speeches. Waiter: (motioning to General) See, it's harmless. It made him a bit sensible but he felt better, and it cures ANYTHING!

Leon: Okay. Gimme that! (drinks a spoonful and puts the bottle on the table) Nothing's happening. I don't feel anything. Maybe the Gen… (jolts around, shaking) SILKY SHIRT! (goes over to General) FABRIC SOFTENER! HA! HAAAAAAAAAR! (Goes over to Waiter and holds him by the lapels) WHAT'S… WRONG… WITH… YOUR… SHIRT… HA! HAAAAAR! HA! HA! General: I know, it's not silky.

Leon: EXACTLY! SILKY SHIRT! FABRIC SOFTENER! AH! HAAAAAAAARR… (jolts, then stands still, shocked) What just happened?

Waiter: Nothing, I could just ignore it.

General: I couldn't, you said there was something wrong with his shirt.

Leon: But General, he's not wearing a shirt, he's wearing a tracksuit

(Waiter's clothes change from Waiter's gear to a tracksuit)

Waiter: Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh dear (to camera) Sorry, had to do that!

Leon: (wiggles leg) Hey, my leg's better. The medicine does work! It's incredible. Did you ever sell any of this when you were younger?

Waiter: Yep, in Primary School. Used to sell it for 1 buck a glass. I got top marks in school from then on.

Leon: Then why'd you stop selling it?

Waiter: I sold it to a Betelgeusian exchange student in Grade 6, and he kind of exploded, his exoskeleton went everywhere. It was so sticky, but I had plenty of new supplies for my medicine after that. Anyway, the Betelgeusians got angry and demand I didn't sell it. So I didn't

Leon: Always picky, aliens. You blow a few humdred up and they say you committed genocide. Ah well… Now we are all better, let's hunt that cyborg.

Scene IX - Sweepstakes Logo - February 2nd 2500

Narrator: (laughing, voice-only) Silky shirt! Oh mercy… Ahem! Now, viewers I've made this sweeter for you. Just look for the stupid… er… sorry! Secret keyword during the show and then ring in when the number is shown. Then we will announce the winner.

Waiter: (voice-only) This wouldn't be called a sweepstakes because we have a broom, would it?

Narrator: (voice-only, ix nay) We don't have a broom.

Waiter: We do!

(SFX: Whack)

Waiter: Sorry folks, but this show has been too riddled with competitions. I think you need deprogramming, so here is some.

Scene X - Stage - February 2nd 2500

Dancing Idiot: (singing) You are not brainwashed. You are not brainwashed. You are not brainwashed. You are not brainwashed. You aren't…

(a sponge flies up, hits him in the head, causing him to fall over, gasping in pain)

Scene XI - Nowhere - February 2nd 2500

(The Waiter is standing there)

Waiter: Now back to the show!

Scene XII - The Forest - February 2nd 2500

(Leon and General have guns and are sneaking around commando style. The Waiter rushes in, upright, with a plate of appetizers)

Waiter: Anyone for party sandwiches? Gee, this is exciting. (to camera) Isn't it folks? (to Leon) Tea? Macaroon?

Leon: Waiter! Shut up! Can't you be more like the General, at least he can handle a gun.

General: (fiddling with gun foolishly) So which bit sets this rifle off again? Don't worry, I'll manage. Never had this calibre in the Army.

Leon: General, that proves you were never in the army. These were average fare.

General: No, we had these guns which shot out flowers and made everybody happy. Wait, that was a dream.

(Leon groans)

General: (to Waiter) Can I have a teacake?

Leon: Shh! I can see it!

(Cut to Cyborg, all voiced over here)

General: That's the nasty, aint it hideous. Look at it!

Waiter: Yep, terrible. Terrible! What bad quality.

General: Eh?

Waiter: This voice-over, it's rubbish. Switch it back, will you?

(Cut back)

General: Eh?

Waiter: (to camera) Now, this is how we hunt a cyborg, kiddies, and washed up hunters who have been kicked out of their town by animal rights activists. Just watch, Uncle Leon.

Leon: What? What did you call me?

Waiter: It was for the viewers, I was trying a new approach. That supermodel has got something for me

(Cut to Bulldog, then cut back)

Waiter: Go away, shoo! Shoo!

General: So how are we going to kill this thingy to get the chip? Leon? You're the one with that new fangled thinking thingy. A "brain".

Leon: Well, General, at least you admit that. I'm actually going to ask the Comm-Unit. (To unit) Comm-Unit, identify cyborg type.

Comm-Unit: (buzzing) Cyborg type a RATPNG-386. 386 times more powerful than the first cyborg. This cyborg was invented in 2483 by Professor Woodbridge. A genius in cyber technology and other sciences…

Scene XIII - Nowhere - February 2nd 2500

(Waiter is there)

Waiter: Hello. I bet you thought all this Professor Woodbridge stuff was based on a real person. Well, it's not. Professor Woodbridge was the greatest scientist of all time. And this show shows all the respect that this 25th century scientist deserves, and if this gives any offense to tennis players. We are sorry! Now, back to the show.

Scene XIV - The Forest - February 2nd 2500

(Waiter, Leon & General are still poised, preparing to strike the Cyborg)

Comm-Unit: This cyborg's (buzzing) weak spot is located in the… (buzzing)

Leon: (desperate) WHERE is it located?

Waiter: (nervous) I see a rude reference coming, I can feel it.

General: I know, wouldn't it be disgusting if it was in his toe? I mean, it would have tinea and stuff all over it.

Leon: Shut up, I'm trying to listen.

Waiter: (shoves tray under Leon's nose) Muffin?

Leon: NO! (topples tray)

Waiter: Now you've done it! The General's going to be scavenging down there for days.

General: (with handful of cakes, gathering from the ground) No I'm not!

Comm-Unit: The Cyborg's weak spot, also where the chip is, is the… pancreas.

(The General faints)

Leon: (looking at General) Why did he have to do that?

Waiter: It disgusted him too much. You know what the pancreas does, don't you? It produces bile.

(Leon pales)

Waiter: (gesticulating) Thick bile. Lumpy and terribly stinky. Enough to make you throw up!

Leon: Oh man… (faints)

Waiter: Must be the trend… (faints)

(Cyborg walks over to the fainted heroes)

Cyborg: Humans are so stupid. If they only knew the Second Galactic War started when the Neo-Hippie lead Sam-Francisco couldn't get his Soya Snacks from Earth to Venus because of the Earth Empire's garbage freighters. He ended up blowing them up with a Greenpeace Anti-Matter-Long Distance-Mortar, in 2473. Oh well, no time for history, they want to hunt me. (walks off)

Scene XV - The Forest Floor - February 2nd 2500

(Leon, General and Waiter are unconscious. Leon wakes up)

Leon: What happened?

(General wakes up)

General: Can't remember…

(Waiter wakes up)

Waiter: I know! Thick, steamy bile…

(Leon and General faint)

Waiter: I'm always behind the times (faints)

Scene XVI - Nowhere - February 4th 2500

(The Waiter is there)

Waiter: This went on for about 2 days, until Leon got enough guts. Ha! To face the cyborg. The General couldn't though but was still able to eat cold spaghetti at tea. Let's see what develops.

Narrator: (voice-only) Don't forget the competition!

(Hear whack and slump)

Waiter: Ahem!

Scene XVII - The Forest - February 4th 2500

(Leon and General are holding guns. The Waiter has a half-eaten tray of muffins)

Leon: Okay, there it is. General, sneak over there and then shoot when I give this symbol (give the old "Twinings" hand)

General: Okay! I've got it, I'm pumped, I'm enthused, I'm full of pizzaz, I'm rearing to go, I'm…

Leon: Just get on with it!

General: Okay, off I go. Ready to sneak (gets into position)

Waiter: Muffin before you go? (offers tray to General)

General: Thanks (takes tray and sneaks off)

Leon: I hope he gets this right.

Waiter: Oh, you know the General…

Leon: Exactly what bothers me. Is there anything you could do, Waiter?

Waiter: Oh I don't know. I could cook up something for lunch when you get back.

Leon: Fine, you do that.

Waiter: Or… I could dissect this leaf (gets out leaf)

Leon: Go cook lunch, Waiter.

Waiter: (fed up) I've had enough of…

(Show bulldog)

Waiter: Ohww! First cows, now this. (to camera) Can't you viewers just admit you're watching. Oh! (walks off in a huff)

Leon: Now I'm alone. Where did that cyborg go?

(Cyborg appears behind Leon)

Cyborg: I don't like being hunted.

Leon: (startled) How did you get over here?

Cyborg: The usual, cloaking devices and holograms. You reckon a 600 year old movement like the pincer movement is going to catch me. Why do it? Why? (Puts up "Twinings" symbol)

(General runs into tree and collapses)

Cyborg: Do you think I was put on-line yesterday. Bring your act together, army man.

Leon: You obnoxious piece of silicon, how dare you!

Cyborg: I have rights. I… don't… want… to… be… hunted… get… it… (walks off)

Leon: Why can't robots just scream "Exterminate! Exterminate!" like they used to, instead of these Smart-Alec ones.

(General staggers on)

General: (dazed) I did good, didn't we? (falls over)

Scene XVIII - The Forest - February 4th 2500

Leon: Okay, now General, you distract the cyborg while I get round and shoot it. General: Is normal conversation ok? Leon: Just fine, it'll confuse him for a bit. So go up and talk to it. (General walks up to Cyborg) General: So… nice weather we're having. Cyborg: (doubtful) Oh, I suppose so. General: Eh? Is something bad going to happen with the weather? Cyborg: Well, I only heard that…

Scene XIX - Secretwordland - February 4th 2500

(Show a screen with "Pig in a slaughter house, making bacon in a butcher wagon") Narrator: (sarcastically, voice only) That's not the secret word, is it? Should you be ringing up, I think you should. Waiter: (voice-only) Stop being mean to our viewers, with all there promotions, we're going to LOSE viewers, rather than gain them. Narrator: (voice-only) Now look what you've done, the words have been on too long, now any old loser could ring. Waiter: (voice-only, irritated) That's it, you're going down, again.

Scene XX - Fight Ring - February 4th 2500

Backup Narrator: (voice-only) The great fight between "The-Really-Big-Handed" Waiter, and the "Not-Really-Fat-But-I-Don't-See-A-Six-Pack" Narrator has…

Scene XXI - Cancel Screen - February 4th 2500

Backup Narrator: (voice-only) …been cancelled. Sorry, this is "The Adventures of Leon Chubbadanfish, the Waiter and General Breadbasket", not WWF. Now both the Waiter and the Narrator promise to stop fighting for another 10 minutes. Meanwhile, lets get back to the show.

Scene XXII - The Forest - February 4th 2500

(Continued from Scene XVIII)

Cyborg: …well I heard there was going to be rain.

General: Rain? What a shame, and I don't think there are any ducks on this planet.

(Gun clicks)

Leon: (encouraging whisper, voice-only) Keep going…

Cyborg: I heard it was going to rain something terrible.

General: Terrible? Like what? Acid rain? El nino satano maximino getoutofthereo? What?

Leon: (voice-only, whisper) Just a few more seconds…

Cyborg: (to General) No, even worse…

Leon: (counting down slowly, voice-only) 5…4…3…

Cyborg: It's going to rain…

Leon: 2…1…

Cyborg: Dijon mustard!!

General: Aggh!

( General falls backward onto Leon, Leon shoots tree, and the tree falls on top of them both)

Cyborg: A bunch of morons, the lot of you. (walks off)

Scene XXIII - The Forest - February 4th 2500

(Waiter is all alone)

Waiter: Now, today folks. I'm going to cook up a gingerbread man… or two for lunch. My ones are extra nutritious, don't worry (looks around) But first, I'm missing a few ingredients. Let me go and find some. Excuse me!! I really should be prepared, shouldn't it? Be back in a minute.

Scene XXIV - Cyborg's Turf - February 4th 2500

Leon: Okay. This is an idea, why don't we both just run at it yelling, then blow it to bits.

General: Sounds good. It always worked in those classic-old fashioned 64bit "Video" games. Let's do it.

Leon: Never could see how anyone could play those… let's go!

(Leon and General walk to Cyborg)

General & Leon: Ahhhhhh! (running, aiming guns at Cyborg)

(Cyborg puts arms out and clotheslines them both)

Scene XXV - Nowhere - February 4th 2500

(Waiter is alone)

Waiter: We apologize for that really lame, really old joke. Except there was a gap for something dumb and that's what was put there. It will never happen again. Sorry, sorry… so sorry. Don't stop watching though..

Scene XXVI - The Forest - February 4th 2500

Leon: I give up! There's nothing we can do to hunt this thing, we tried everything in the book, but it's just too smart (thinks), which makes me wonder what it's doing here.

General: Well, you tried. Besides, the Comm-Unit can still talk to you.

Comm-Unit: I am TUROK!

Leon: Great! Just great!

(Cyborg appears)

Cyborg: You want my chip really badly don't you?

General: He does, not me. Give me a salami sandwich any day.

Leon: Yeah, what? I just can't hunt you, I mean, the victim's not supposed to talk to the hunter, are they?

Cyborg: Well, I'll make you a deal. You can have my chip and kill me if you beat me in…

Narrator: (voice-only) Dum! Dum! Dum!

Cyborg: …Cyberspace!

Leon: (tired) Oh boy…

Scene XXVI - Waiter's Hut - February 4th 2500

(Waiter is preparing food happily at his workbench)

Waiter: I got the ginger (shows camera some ginger) Now to make gingerbread men, I need one more ingredient (gets out axe) Just a minute! (Laughs like a maniac)

Scene XXVII - Forest Floor - February 4th 2500

(Leon, General and the Cyborg all have electrodes attached to their heads)

Cyborg: Are you ready?

Leon: Yeah

General: I'm not sure, does this hurt?

Cyborg: It won't hurt, much (blinks)

(Fades out)

Scene XXVIII - Simulation of the Year 2000

(Fades in to reveal a high school basketball court. Leon, General and the cyborg are there)

General: Where are we?

Cyborg: A simulation of the year 2000, I love the classic era! Now, army man, pick your weapon.

Leon: I choose the "Beef 5"

(The Beef 5 appears in Leon's hands)

Cyborg: Well, I choose a Ragnarok-Quark-Thrower.

(Leon pales)

Cyborg: 2494 edition. Scared yet?

(A masochistic looking gun appears in Cyborg's hand)

Leon: (hurt) You insensitive prick! I was in jail for 5 years seeing that weapon everyday, in the hands of my captors. Fine (spits to the left) lets battle.

General: And I'll have a Mississippi Mud Cake

(A Mississippi Mud Cake appears in General's hand)

General: Oh, I love virtual reality. (begins eating)

(Cyborg and Leon circle each other, guns raised)

(Cyborg shoots, Leon dodges)

Leon: Ya missed! (Aims at Cyborg and shoots)

(Cyborg dodges the ensuing blast)

Cyborg: You're not the only co-ordinated one in here.

Leon: We'll see (reloads gun)

(Leon and Cyborg do the Wild West shoot-off stance. Leon raises gun, then Cyborg raises his)

Leon: Okay

Cyborg: Right

(Leon fires, but nothing happens)

Leon: (mortified) What? No more ammo… uh-oh.

(Slow motion)

(Cyborg shoots at Leon)

Leon: Nooooooooooooooo!

General: (face full of cake) Whaaaaaaaat?

(Leon blows up, blood and giblets fly everywhere)

Scene XXIX - Nowhere - February 4th 2500

(Waiter is alone, looking very nervous)

Waiter: Its okay kiddies, Leon just… um… was standing on a tomato fountain and it got turned on. It wasn't blood, if that's what you were thinking. No, no, no, no, no! Now, back to the show.

Scene XXX - Forest Floor - February 4th 2500

(Leon & General are on ground, electrodes on heads, Leon bolts up)

Leon: Whoa! That was bad. I never knew how much being blown up itches (scratches himself for a bit)

General: (wakes up) Hey, the Cyborg's gone! (Looks around) And so is my cake! That is so dumb!

Leon: Well, I guess he ran off so that I could shoot him one when I woke up! I should have listened back in cadet school.

General: What's that then? "Never trust a Cyborg in Cyberspace"

Leon: No, "Whenever an enemy is a diplomatic stance, blow it up". Now we'll never get the Comm-Unit upgraded.

General: Oh, it's not that bad.

Comm-Unit: …I'm all out of gum. Who wants some? Come get some…

Leon: It is that bad.

General: So, what should we do now?

Leon: What would you do if you've just been defeated?

General: Eat, of course. It's time for lunch!

Leon: Fine, let's go.

Scene XXXI - Waiter's Hut - February 4th 2500

(Leon and General are outside the hut, looking hungry)

Leon: Well, you've got to admit, it does smell good.

General: Yep, sure does. I'm going to go in right now and knock myself stupid at it!

Leon: Too late!

(Waiter comes out)

Waiter: No you can't eat yet! It's got to be a surprise for when you both enter. Okay, now both go in.

(Leon & General both enter to find a giant gingerbread man lying on the table)

General: By custard! It's a 6 foot gingerbread man!

Leon: How did you do that, Waiter?

Waiter: Oh, it was nothing. All I did was, while you were playing in the simulation of the primitive 21st century, I cut out that Cyborg's pancreas and killed it, then cooked in in ginger and bread. (to camera) making a GINGER-BREAD-MAN. (to Leon) It all came out pretty well. Oh! Except this bit (gets out microchip) You can keep that if you want.

Leon: Waiter! You did it! I'm too thankful and hungry to kill you out of frustration. (Puts chip into Comm-Unit) Comm-Unit!

Comm-Unit: (in Cyborg's voice) Oh great! You've put me in a little Comm-Unit. I suppose I'm WORKING for you now.

Leon: Yep! Now maybe I'll get off this planet sooner than I thought.

General: (eating a piece of gingerbread man leg) Dig in Leon. It's delicious.

Leon: No thanks! I'll pass.

Waiter: You arrogant pig! You can't do that! Now eat up.

Leon: Okay! Okay! (Eats a bit) No comment! I wonder what I'd think 6 years ago if I saw myself eating fried cyborg with two idiots on an unconquered planet.

General: I know "Geez, thems is good eatin'"

(Leon groans)

Waiter: So that's how make a gingerbread man, with style. Tune in next time when I dissect this leaf…

(Fades out)

Waiter: You can't end it here, you CAN'T!!

Credits 2 - Credits

Scene XXXII - Winners Room - February 4th 2500

(Winner is on "couch", phone rings. Winner goes to pick it up)

Winner: (dopey voice) Hello?

Narrator: (on phone) Hello. Do you realise you have you won The Adventures of Leon Chubbadanfish, the Waiter and General Breadbasket Sweepstakes!

Winner: Yaay! (jumps up and down) What I have I won?

Narrator: (on phone) A BILLION DOLLARS! Congratulations.

Winner: Yay! Oh, thank you Mr Science-Fiction comedy show, sir! You are the best and I will watch your every episode.

Waiter: (voice-only) That is so fake. Who is going to believe that?

Narrator: (on phone)THEY will. And this is just the beginning. We could have a sweepstake each week, and give the prize to a fake winner each week. Imagine the ratings…

(Hear whack and slump)

Waiter: Sorry, had to do that. Goodbye


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"The Adventures of Leon Chubbadanfish, the Waiter and General Breadbasket" is copyright Matt Quarterstein.