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Episode 3 - Infection

By Matt Quarterstein

SCENE I: - R Rated Logo

(N.B. The narrator is a voice-over)

Narrator: The following is rated "R" for audiences 18+ only. It contains high level violence, adult themes, supernatural themes, ice themes… oh er… sorry. I haven't had my lunch break yet! And high level horror. Also a bit of naughty language, and maybe some stuff to make even the Statue of Liberty blush. So kiddies and teenie boppery people, go away! You aren't allowed to watch it! (Different voice impersonated) Oh, come on, you really want to! It's on now! All your friends are doing it. (Normal voice, arguing with self) No, you can't! It's rated "R" and…

Waiter: (voice-only) Oh, be quiet! It's rated much lower than that. You're only saying it's "R" so you get a larger audience!

Narrator: Oh… you're right! Can't I even flog off an offensive warning?

Waiter: Then I'll be beaten up by old ladies! That isn't a nice thing to do to me! That leather in their handbags is so hard.

Narrator: I bet that was offensive, to old ladies!

Waiter: (embarrassed, struggling for words) Well… er… um… ah… roll some titles will you? Please! I'm getting into too much trouble.

Credits 1: Titles

Scene II - Forest where Zorg was - January 2nd 2500

(Show Time Machine on top of Zorg's remains, a buzzing noise is heard)

Scene III - Same place x500000 - January 2nd 2500

(Amoeba is next to some DNA [literal letters] in red haze)

Amoeba: Blobble! Blobble! (Sees DNA) Mmm! D-N-A! Yum! Blobble! Blobble! (Eats the DNA in one mouthful) Yum! Yum! Yum! Blobble! Blobble! (Starts to sway a bit) Blorble! Merge now! Blibble! Blobble! Steal! Blurble! Hggggggggn!

(Amoeba changes into Zorg, albeit bald and with pink crusty lumps all over his body)

Zorg/Amoeba: Hey! I'm back! But I'm all… (Touches lumpy forehead, and his bald scalp) UGLY!

(Zorg looks out and notices several bacteria swimming past)

Zorg/A: I must have been unconscious from that Monster Gary knocking me out. Either that, or I'm in heaven. Or maybe… hello! (looks at bacteria) What is THAT thing? (to Bacteria) What ARE you?

Bacteria: Neepy! Neepy! Neepy! Bleeeear!

Zorg/A: O…..kay then. Something is really weird here.

Bacteria: Neepy! Neepy! Neepy!

Zorg/A: (to Bacteria, annoyed) I didn't ask you, so get stuffed!

Bacteria: Neepy! Neep-Neep!

Zorg/A: (kicks Bacteria away) That's better, now where could I be? Am I still on my planet? Could somebody tell me? Excuse me? (Looks to Bact 2)

Bact 2: Blooorp!

Zorg/A: Fine! Be that way.

(Bact 2 floats off)

Zorg/A: Excuse me, anybody? Could anybody tell me where I am?

(Con-cluster [a blob of bubbles] shows up)

Con-Cluster: We could! You're in Zorg the aliens' DNA area.

Zorg/A: MY DNA? How could I be in MY DNA? I must be tiny! (looks at Con-cluster with curiosity and disgust) What are you?

Con-Cluster: We are a group of politicians' consciences from Earth, it's election season you know and we always go on vacation then, to the edge of the universe mostly.

Zorg/A: I'm as large as a politician's conscience, I must be atoscopic! But how can I be inside my own body?

Con-Cluster: Well, the thing is, you aren't Zorg! You're a Soul Amoeba who's eaten some DNA of Zorg's and turned yourself into a perfect copy of him, with a memory to the second of his death.

Zorg/A: I don't remember doing THAT!

Con-Cluster: Of course you don't. ZORG never did that! We'd love to stay and chat but our orders are to go as far from our politician masters as possible. Tata! (floats away)

Zorg/A: (shocked) So I died… Gary killed me! I came back as a copy. A TINY copy. I wouldn't be like this if it wasn't for… the General! If I ever come back to my normal size I'll kill him, like I should have… er… unless he's dead because of Gary already, then I'll just have to kill something else! I will have my revenge somehow, I will have it!

Scene IV - Leon's Turf - January 2nd 2500

(Leon is there stretching, he has just got up. He has a few leaves in his hair, so he brushes them out)

Leon: Ah! What a great morning. Just the day for a bit of (picks up gun) hunting (looks around) General! Waiter! I'm up! We got any breakfast?

(General runs in with some toast)

General: Hi there!

Leon: Where's the Waiter? I thought, seeing as though we got these (lifts gun) We could go deeper into the forest.

General: (shocked) You don't want to go into the forest!

Leon: Why would that be?

General: Well, there's aliens in there! Big nasties with 10 rows of teeth, sharp claws and a copy of "Rolling Stone" in their scorpion-like tails! It's horrible! Horrible!

Leon: That's why I want to go there. To blow some galactic scum up, find a civilized one that can help us get off this planet, you know. That sort of thing.

General: I'd go, but I have to have more toast than just this (points to toast) to have had enough to go. I've got to have a whole LOAF of toast to cope with what you want to do (Runs off)

(Just as General leaves, the Waiter enters with a tray of breakfast)

Leon: There you are!

Waiter: No. I'm here, not there

Scene V - Nowhere - January 2nd 2500

(Waiter is there)

Waiter: (to camera) Now, I'm there (looks around) No… I'm still here. Maybe if I just come back…

(Fades out)

Scene VI - Leon's Turf - January 2nd 2500

(Leon and the Waiter are still here)

Waiter: (to Leon) Now I was there but not there when you said I was. No, I can't do this…

(Leon sighs)

Waiter: If I walk over here (walks into midground) Now I WAS there! So now you can't be a liar Leon.

Leon: Do I have to have my own language when talking to you, Waiter? I just asked for some breakfast. You're a waiter, so can you do that?

Waiter: (near-shouting because of his distance away) I suppose I can. I was about to do that!

Leon: Then stop shouting and come over here!

Waiter: No. I AM here. You're over THERE. I just did all that stuff so that I could be there. Now you want it to be THERE?

Leon: Just walk to me, will you?

(Waiter walks over calmly)

Waiter: I didn't know what you wanted but I knew you'd be sick of the slabs of Rationbeast meat you got in the army, so I just got out a usual breakfast. (points to each as he says it) Milk, toast, juice, fruit, a kipper and some cereal.

Leon: That's not cereal, Waiter. It's a bag of sugar.

Waiter: It IS the latest cereal. Snow chunks! (puts on commercial voice) 100% sugar, 5 vitamins and iron. Part of the complete breakfast, not part of the cereal. (normal voice) Do you want some? I'll put some sugar on it to make it taste better.

Leon: I don't think so, Waiter. How about just a piece of toast?

Waiter: Righy-oh! (to camera) To give someone a piece of toast. You must first put it on a plate, here (hands plate of toast to Leon)

Leon: Who are you talking to? Cows again?

Waiter: No. I was talking to THEM. There!

(Cut to a field of lots of cows, then cut back)

Leon: Listen. I know a cow when I see one! So stop making my living here worse by saying they're "them" (bites toast harshly)

Waiter: (at angles to the camera) You stupid cows! Stop doing that! You're all so… so… dumb!

(Leon is eating toast, satisfied)

Leon: This toast is pretty good, Waiter! What's in it?

Waiter: You like it? Well, I cook my toast using my secret method. It's a secret so I'll have to tell you in a secret place.

(Fades out)

Leon: What just happened?

Waiter: This is a secret place, I like to go. Now I can tell you how I make my toast. First, when I'm making the dough of the bread, I roll it around in the dirt to give it flavour.

Leon: YOU WHAT???

(fades in quickly)

Waiter: Why is it that you're angry? It tastes good! Makes it crunchy too, and I can cook it in different flavours. Gravel, clay and compost. You ate the compost flavour! Good, eh? Leon: Yuck! (throws toast) What are you trying to do, poison me? I'll stick to rations anyday!

Waiter: But I thought you were sick of them. Oh… wait. That was the commander back on the Mothership. He changed the ration system to daily feasts after you were captured on Ragnarok. Mmm! They were so good! I cooked them and garnished them with leaves (gets out leaf) like this one! How about we dissect it?

Leon: Listen, really listen! I don't want to hear about the Commander any more. Now, if you'll let me, I'm going to find the General and go hunting for some PROPER breakfast! (walks off)

Waiter: (disappointed) But you didn't even touch the kipper! That's proper breakfast (to camera) isn't it?

(Cut to more cows, the cut back)


Scene VII - Nowhere - January 2nd 2500

(Waiter is there)

Waiter: You all saw how Leon didn't eat all his toast. Now kiddies (to camera) that is a naughty thing to do.

(R Rated sign floats across)

Narrator: (voice-only) Kiddies won't be listening! This is rated "R", and that means people can throw their toast everywhere.

(Waiter knocks sign away)

Waiter: It's not "R"! Now kiddies, you should eat all your breakfast and have it balanced. In the 6 food groups. (gets out dodgy display of food groups and puts it behind him. Points to each as he talks) Bread & cereal, fruit & vegetables, meat, fish & eggs and little alien blobby things that move on your plate. Thank you! I'm now going to dissect a leaf and…

(fades out)

Waiter: What?

Narrator: Can't do that 'til next episode if it's not rated R, since it's plant violence! Now, back to your wussy low rated programme.

Scene VIII - Zorgy Bits x500000 - January 2nd 2500

(Zorg/A is walking through the DNA fields, sees a virus that resembles a spaceship)

Zorg/A: What is THAT thing? Some sort of virus?

(The virus-ship starts heading towards Zorg/A, sounding like a truck. It stops right in front of him, screeching to a halt. Virus tech comes out and angrily trudges over to Zorg/A)

Virus Tech: What do you think your doin'? This is the South-East Artery-Al. You're standing out in the middle of it! Do you want me to run you over?

Zorg/A: (in realization) Oh! So that's your VEHICLE. You can drive it?

Virus Tech: Yeah, are you stupid or somethin'?

Zorg/A: Are you teasin' me cause I'm different?

Virus Tech: Who are you?

Zorg/A: Doesn't matter. I want your vehicle! And I'll say please.

Virus Tech: What if I won't give it to you?

Zorg/A: Then I'll have to use (gets out gun) force! (fires the gun, killing Virus Tech)

Scene IX - Nowhere Again - January 2nd 2500

Waiter: Toy may be wondering how Zorg had a weapon… er… how the Amoeba got the weapon. Well, he… er… well… um… just did! I don't know. Ask the person who knows that sort of thing, next to you. That one! (points to camera) You know, the guy who always knows what's going on in movies! I'll even give him a challenge! I'll cut a bit out and see what he thinks. Then I…

(fades out)

Waiter: Somebody has to fix that thing!

Scene X - Inside the Virus Ship - January 2nd 2500

(Zorg/A comes in, awestruck)

Zorg/A: Whoa! This is the inside of a virus, eh? (checks dashboard) Yakult? They make viruses too? (looks about) Look at all these controls! Like a video game. (pulls a lever)

(ignition is heard)

Zorg/A: All right! If I can't kill the General, at least I can give him a cold. (pulls more levers) I'm on my way!

Virus Comp: Rays detected. Please Inspect.

Zorg/A: Rays? What sort of rays?

Virus Comp: Growth rays. Will enlarge the ship if kept exposed. (informally) Help me here, I don't know what to do!

Zorg/A: Well I do. I'm not stupid. I know what to do. Computer, head towards the rays, I want to grow!

Virus Comp: Decision decided. Heading toward rays. (tired and sarcastic) What would I do without you?

Zorg/A: Hey! You are SUPPOSED to be user friendly!

Virus Comp: A virus computer, user friendly? Don't be ridiculous!

(ignition is heard)

Zorg/A: Now, I shall grow. And with my new ship, I shall be able to destroy the General in one shot. And no one can stop me! Nobody! Whoa! (slams on brake)

(Outside, a stop sign can be seen)

Zorg/A: Well, maybe that. But then, you gotta follow the ROAD rules, don't you?

Scene XI - Outside Leon's Turf - January 2nd 2500

(Leon & General have guns, Waiter had a loaf of bread. All are present in this scene)

Leon: Ok people! We're ready! Now we go into the forest and hunt. To find our aliens we're going to use this Comm-Unit as a tracking device (gets out Comm-Unit)

(Meanwhile, the Waiter is show-hosting the bread)

General: Can I hold the Comm-Unit? Please, please, please, please, please, pretty please?

Leon: No, General. If the Waiter can nearly kill us with the Time Machine, I don't know what YOU could do with a Comm-Unit.

General: I'll give you a hamburger?

Leon: No, General.

General: Would you like fries with that?

Leon: No, General.

General: Cake? Pie? Parsty? Biscuit? I'll even give you a packet of those caramel popcorny things that you get free at hyperdrive stations for it.

Leon: No, General, and for the last time no! (notices Waiter) Waiter, what are you doing?

Waiter: I'm showing off this bread. It's really good white bread, tasting real good with VINTAGE cheese and NO LETTUCE.

Leon: Why are you doing it for? You look like a game show host's assistant doing all that stupid hand stuff, and why do you need bread anyway?

Waiter: As bait. As a Waiter, I know aliens would get sick of getting fed worms and maggots, so I whipped up this.

Leon: You don't feed aliens BAIT! You blow them up. We're not on a fishing trip.

General: (disappointed) Oh! So I ordered 2 bucks worth of chips for nothing (puts on sad face)

Waiter: But what if we meet a civilized alien? You can't just blow their heads off. You've got to sit them down, have some tea and a currant bun and ask politely whether they could do without a head, then blow it off IF they say yes.

Leon: Civilized alien? Whoever heard of a… (pondering) Civilized alien… (normal) I think, to hunt down an alien, we'll have to split up, so General…

Waiter: (walks up to camera) This is a split up sequence. The story will follow one group and then jump over to the other. But don't be fooled! The group that isn't shown might not be doing what you think they're doing when they're not shown. They could be lounging around talking kindly to the baddies, so watch out okay?

Leon: …General, you go with the Waiter that way (points) and I'll go this way (points in opposite direction)

General: Ok, but I've got one question.

Leon: What is it?

General: Can we eat the alien once we kill it?

Leon: Um… I suppose you can…

General: Yesssss. Come on Waiter (runs off)

Waiter: Can I garnish it with the leaf? It'll taste better… (runs off after General)

Leon: Good, now I can find an intelligent alien who can get me off this planet, ALONE! And I'll be able to do it with THIS! (looks at Comm-Unit) Comm-Unit, trace for intelligent life.

(Beeps are heard)

Comm-Unit: Trace found 100 metres north of here. The life form is getting more and more intelligent every second.

Leon: Brilliant! It'll probably be able to get me off this planet at light year speed and tell me a way to fix up the army. I just hope it isn't like the Waiter… (walks off)

Scene XII - Zorgy bits x2 - January 2nd 2500

(In virus ship, Zorg/A seems interested in the controls)

Zorg/A: This is some virus. It's got more controls than you can poke a stick at. Nuclear material drop, escape bacterial pod, toxin ejection. I could wipe out a planet with this stuff. Say… maybe instead of just killing the General…I could wipe out his planet! And with it, all his friends. He will be so sad he might have a cry. Yeah, have a teary before he dies. And I'll just sit there and laugh (forced laugh) Oh well, I'll have to work at that laugh.

Virus Comp: Lifeform detected coming towards vehicle.

Zorg/A: Put it up on vidscreen protein.

(fuzzy noise)

Zorg/A: Ah, it's one of the General's friends… and… he wants to come in! Well, I needed to get a hostage anyway, to practise my laugh on (tries dumb laugh), maybe I can get two. I need all the help I can get (dumb laughs again)

Scene XIII - Outside Virus Ship - January 2nd 2500

(Leon is waving down Virus [now the full size of a spaceship]. The door opens)

Leon: Oh, it's opening! (happily) I'm as good as off!

(Zorg/A comes out of the ship)

Leon: Hello, I come in peace.

Zorg/A: I don't, I come in whole. Now come quietly or I'll shoot.

Leon: No, it's okay. I WANT to leave.

Zorg/A: Wait. Aren't you supposed to struggle, then I shoot you and take you on board?

Leon: Oh, I get it. This is an alien tradition. I'm cool, I'm tolerant to alien traditions. If that's what I have to do, then I accept. So let's go.

Zorg/A: (confused) All…right. I'm going. (shoots Leon)

(Leon collapses, Zorg/A walks over and picks up his limp hand)

Zorg/A: Thank goodness for the "Tolerance for Absolutely Everything" marches back in 2429. That was too easy. (tries to pick Leon up, but fails) Or maybe not. This guy's a chubba!

(Waiter runs on and helps Zorg/A pick Leon up. Leon is carried onto the ship, then Waiter runs back and face the camera)

Waiter: You see? I'm not in the camera view and I'm HELPING the bad guys and… wait a minute. You're the camera, aren't you?

(Cut to some cows, then cut back)

Waiter: (annoyed) Stop that! That means I have aided a bad guy on TV! Oh, what am I going to do? Maybe I should dissect a leaf.

Zorg/A: (pops his head out of ship) Well, I know what I'm going to do, Waiter. I'm going to disease this planet. Cheers, that was sweet of ya to help me. Have a nice day! (laughs crappily)

Waiter: Er… um… youl'' never get away with this.

Zorg/A: GETTING! (shuts door and virus takes off)

(Cut to virus lifting into the sky)

Scene XIV - In Virus Ship - January 2nd 2500

(Leon is unconscious on the floor. Zorg/A is at the controls of the ship)

Zorg/A: And to make sure the General is busy. I will help him to be busy. BUSYING! (pushes button)

(Cut to the virus ship releasing something, cut back)

Zorg/A: I don't know what that thing did, but I'm sure it'll be fun to watch.

(Waiter walks on board)

Waiter: No it won't! You're a big meanie.

Zorg/A: Er… I don't think so! (opens door and pushes Waiter out)

(Cut to Waiter falling through the sky)

Scene XV - Nowhere - January 2nd 2500

(Waiter is standing in front of the camera)

Waiter: I am interrupting my own death to… well… um… I'm interrupting my death so I won't die. So everyone is happy. Even the critics.

(R-Rated sign dangles)

Narrator: The viewers aren't. It's not rated "R" yet!

(Waiter savagely rips "R" rated sign)

Waiter: As everyone is happy now, I think I'll go back to the story. And I'm alive. Not dead, right?

Scene XVI - General's Area - January 2nd 2500

(General is in the forest hunting. Waiter runs in)

Waiter: General! Zorg is back! And he's got this virus ship, and he's kidnapped Leon.

General: Hold it Waiter, you know how slow I am. Let me absorb all the information I've heard recently. (stops in thought, then in panic) What? The Americans dropped an A-Bomb on Hiroshima… oh! The humanity… oh no! (rambles on then suddenly goes serious) Oh! Zorg is back! How? He got squooshed, I ate him yesterday in a sandwich.

Waiter: I don't know, but shouldn't we do something about it?

General: How about we defend our planet, from the nasty thingys that want to invade.

Waiter: What nasty things? There aren't any nasty things…

General: Um, I think there is (points)

(show bacteria trooper)

Waiter: That's not a nasty, it's a blob. (puts hands on hips) and I wipe up blobs from my hut floor at breakfast!

General: Yeah, but look again. Blob x500 = nasty. I know my maths, and it's us three right here onto them.

(Show lots of blobs)

Waiter: Hello nasty!

Scene XVII - Nowhere - January 2nd 2500

(The Waiter is there)

Waiter: Now people, don't say how fake that was. In the age that you live in, pretty soon this will be a Special Edition, like everything else around you, and everything will be computer animated with fuzzy crap. If you don't like it, hit the ROAD to P-N-G, Jack!

Narrator: (voice-only) Once again, a Professor Woodbridge reference

(The R-Rated sign, stuck together with sticky tape, comes down)

Narrator: (voice-only) It's R Rated now!

Waiter: (looks up) I'm just going to ignore you now. (to camera) In fact, I'm just going to the next scene. So er… there.

Scene XVIII - The Virus Ship In Space - January 2nd 2500

(Leon is tied to a chair with ropes, begins to stir. Zorg/A is at the controls)

Leon: Oh… what…. Where am I? Some kind of ship?

Zorg/A: Are you teasing my ship?

Leon: (surprised) You again! Why have you tied me up?

Zorg/A: Because you are my hostage, and when you wake up, like you have. I make sure you can't move.

Leon: (struggling) This isn't funny.

Zorg/A: I think you'll find it is. Now I've got you, the General will look for you, but he's too busy fighting whatever I put down there for him. Then I'll blow his planet up! As soon as I find the right button (goes over to controls) Now where is it? Ah! Here's one! (reading) "Nuclear Strand. Drops DNA of virus onto planet and…"

Leon: (in shock) You mean we're not on the planet?

Zorg/A: Shh, or I'll have to bash ya. (continues reading) "Drops DNA of virus onto planet and this reproduces into more viruses". Yep. I'll do that. I'll have a whole fleet of viruses and the planet will be destroyed.

Leon: What? You mean your not leaving to another planet?

Zorg/A: Not yet. Why would I want to leave? I'd miss the General meet his death. I wonder what he'll say, "Hi death, how's it going?". He turned me into that jam creature three years ago, and he always used to borrow things from the Temple of Weapons. He left a feather, instead of my breadknife, so the trap wouldn't go off one time. Haven't had a decent sandwich since.

Leon: Temple of weapons? That means you're Zorg!

Zorg/A: (Comes right up to Leon's face) Quick, aren't ya? (pinches Leon on cheek) Now, you sit there and be a good hostage. Cheers! (goes back over to controls)

Leon: I wanted to get off this planet, but not as a hostage to an alien! Maybe the General and the Waiter will save me… (thinks) No. I'm REALLY stuffed. Ahhhhhhh! Zorg/A: Stop that! In space, nobody can hear you scream, and I am NOT a nobody, got it? Cheers!

Scene XIX - The Forest, Moronicus II - January 2nd 2500

(Bacteria keep hurling towards Waiter and General, they kick them back)

General: What are these things?

Waiter: I don't know, but I don't even think tomato sauce could make these guys taste good.

Narrator: (voice-only) That's it! Germ eating! You are getting an R Rating now.

General: What was that?

Waiter: (ignoring General) So they're germs then, I always thought they were smaller.

General: …and didn't talk where you couldn't see them.

Waiter: Why do you think they're here.

Narrator: (voice-only) Because this show is dirty and R-Rated!

Waiter: (to Narrator) That's it! You die now!

Scene XX - Gone Bonkers Logo - January 2nd 2500

Chief Constable Starman: (voice-only) Hi. I'm Chief Constable Starman and I'm sorry that this show has stopped. The Waiter and Narrator are fighting. He never used to do this in the Academy, back in 2468. You just hooked the probes to him. No fuss But enough about me, I do believe the fight's stopped. I'll go now, nice seeing you hearing me!

Scene XXI - Rating Logo - January 2nd 2500

Waiter: (voice-only) Ahem, I won the fight and the show is only rated "G", ok? The narrator won't bother us until next week, he's got a yellow card. Any further and it'll be red and he's outta here. Let's go back to the show.

Scene XXII - Temple Ruins - January 2nd 2500

(Waiter and General are there, dusting their hands)

General: There, we beat most of them. But they'll be back, just thinking about it is giving me indigestion. How did they get here?

Waiter: Well, I'm no genius, but usually microbes like that come from bad food, and there's none of that here. My food's CRYO-SAFE.

General: Well, the only bad food I've had was yesterday, that Zorg sandwich, and I didn't see any germs there.

Waiter: Where was it?

General: Right there! (points to a jam puddle on the ground)

Waiter: Nothing here, except (picks up Time Machine next to jam puddle)

General: Zorg's Time Machine! You certainly did a good tinker job on it.

Waiter: But listen

(A buzzing is heard, the "Bworp, bworp, bworp")

General: It's bworping!

Waiter: (to camera) You know, in shows like this that usually means that it's either radioactive or it's an enlarging ray and if you are a smarty pants, you would have figured that I have tinkered it INTO an enlarging ray (looks at General and winks)

General: I'm not a smarty pants. Not even a smarty boxers, or socks. I'm the General. If the Time Machine is an enlarging ray, then wouldn't there be stuff like giant DNA about?

Waiter: Well, there is. Look!

(Cut to giant Ds, Ns & As around)

General: And I don't suppose those are in the macroscopicthingy's world either (points up)

(Cut to Virus Ship in the air)

General: What is that?

Waiter: I think it is the ship where all these blobbies are coming from, and I know who's controlling it.

General: Zorg.

Waiter: How'd you know?

General: I read this thing (gets out note and shows it to Waiter)

Waiter: It's a note!

General: (motions to trees) And these are trees! (points to self) And my name is General…

Waiter: Shhh! I'm trying to read the plot to the people (reads) "Dear General. You suck, I have your army second-to-commander guy. You are probably too stuck to save him, since you are fighting all that stuff down there. Also, you can't stop me blowing up the planet. So ha heh ha her ha! Cheers, Zorg". (normal) Oh and (reads) "P.S. Here is the $2 I owe ya, no hard feelings."

General: (picking up a coin) Oh, that's great! I thought I'd never get that back. (pockets coin)

Waiter: So, what are we going to do?

General: How would I know? (suggestive) Leave them and get really big oars and row the planet away?

Waiter: No. Then, I think we'd run out of special effects.

(General looks at Waiter weird)

Waiter: What we need to do, is blow it up.

General: (lightens up) Oh goody! We get to blow a nasty-boomoola to something! …um… but with what though? The Temple of Weapons is gone.

Waiter: (to Camera) I don't know what to do and there's not much of the show left!

Scene XXIII - Virus Ship - January 2nd 2500

(Leon is "working" on his ropes)

Leon: IF I can cut this rope, then I can escape. IF I can overpower Zorg, then I can fly this ship to the Army Mothership, IF I can master those weird controls that is. And then IF they don't blow me up because I'm in an Alien ship, I'll be back in the army. (thinks) Somehow, that relies on too many "ifs"

(Waiter walks in with knife)

Leon: (shocked) What… what are you doing here?

Waiter: I'm helping you escape, we're too close to the end and I'm not getting others harmed by getting addicted to cliffhangers. (cuts rope)

Leon: You mean you knew about me and you could do this? (gets angry)

Waiter: (finishes cutting ropes, helps Leon up) Only if it was important. Now don't get angry, Or I'll have to go, we can't have violence, can we?

Leon: (full of rage) Baaaaaaagggh! (lunges at Waiter with fist pointing forward)

(Waiter vanishes)

(Zorg/A walks on and gets knocked out by Leon's lunge)

Leon: (surprised) Whoa! There's a few "Ifs" eaten off the list. IF only the Waiter wasn't so stupid. I could have done this before.

Scene XXIV - Nowhere - January 2nd 2500

(Waiter is there, looking cynical)

Waiter: Like that's going to happen!

Scene XXV - The Forest - January 2nd 2500

(Waiter and General are at the ruins to the Temple of Weapons)

General: I've got it. I've got an idea. Should I let it go free? Ideas in captivity is rather mean and cruel.

Waiter: No, not in a safari mind, with plenty of room. What is it?

General: Well, if we have a gun (motions to Plasma Rifle) and if we have this (motions to Time Machine) we could have a really big laser beam to blow the Virus Ship up with.

Waiter: That's brilliant! What about Leon?

General: He's a clever clogs. He probably knew that we'd do what we're going to do and has escaped in an escape pod in a CLEVER SCHEME!

Waiter: That's right. He keeps telling us we're dumb, so he must be smart. So let's set up! (to camera) This takes time, so why don't you go look at some paraphernalia.

Scene XXVI - Pile of Junk - January 2nd 2500

(Waiter is standing in front of a pile of junk, mixed with merchandise from many TV shows, he waits for a while before speaking)

Waiter: I do believe you're bored. Let's show something else. Just don't switch off, ok?

Scene XXVII - Virus Ship - January 2nd 2500

(Leon is poised over the controls of the ship)

Leon: Now to take this ship to the army. (Looks at controls) Except that I don't know how to operate this thing. Comp! Give user basics.

Virus Comp: (informally) You drivers don't get it, do you? I'm a VIRUS computer. Now, push off unless you want a sensor reading.

Leon: Well, can I have a sensor reading, then?

Virus Comp: No, you're too crap!

Leon: (flabbergasted) Wha… how do you figure that? You stupid bucket of silicon!

Virus Comp: Well, you did ask for what I sensed. And you'll never get a straight answer out of me addressing me like that.

Leon: (sighs) What is this? The whole Galaxy's gone idiotic on me. Ok, could you please tell me the sensor readings.

Virus Comp: Your ex-driver is going into reproduction stage

(Cut to Zorg covered in silly string)

Virus Comp: …But I wouldn't worry. He'll just split in two and then probably argue and kill one of itself… Oh, I also detect radiation readings that could destroy us building up on the planet, so I'd escape this ship of you don't want to die.

Leon: Uh oh! Waiter! General! You'd better not be causing this…

Scene XXVIII - Temple Ruins - January 2nd 2500

(General and Waiter have the Plasma Rifle set up behind the Time Machine)

General: I bet Leon'll be pleased we're causing this. (bending down to operate gun) Ok, so I just shoot this through here then, (puts hand on trigger) and pull the trigger. (pulls trigger and fires)

(A whirring noise pierces the air)

Scene XXIX - Outside Virus Ship - January 2nd 2500

(An escape pod shoots out from the Virus Ship)

Scene XXX - Inside Virus Ship - January 2nd 2500

(Leon jumps back from the controls)

Leon: (startled) What was that? Sounded like an escape pod. Why'd it go off?

Virus Comp: Well, somebody either accessed it, or I had an error…

(Camera pans over to Zorg, still unconscious, but now stringless. Pans back to Leon, whacking the controls)

Leon: You moronic piece of sh*t! Now how am I going to escape?

Virus Comp: Well, there is a another pod up the back. If you can reach it before we get hit, that is, in about 5 seconds.

(Close up on Leon, face in panic)

Scene XXXI - Temple Ruins - January 2nd 2500

(Waiter and General are still busy with the apparatus)

Waiter: (to camera) Now that the weapons laser has warmed up in the enlarging machine, it's time to release the ray. General! 1… 2… 3…

(Cut to General's hand flicking a switch)

Scene XXXII - Inside Virus Ship - January 2nd 2500

(Leon is running down the ship, into the back and into the pod)

Scene XXXIII - Outside Virus Ship - January 2nd 2500

(Laser Beam hits virus ship)

Scene XXXIV - Inside Virus Ship - January 2nd 2500

(Zorg/A stirs to consciousness, frying noises are heard)

Zorg/A: Wha… (listens for frying noises) Oh no! That Chubba's going to blow me up! Oh no! Ahhhh!

(fades out)

Scene XXXV - Outside Orbit of Planet - January 2nd 2500

(Virus ship blows up, escape pod gets thrown into the planet at breakneck speed)

Scene XXXVI - Temple Ruins - January 2nd 2500

(Sounds of explosion in background)

General: (jumping up and down) We did it! We blew it up. First time I've blown something up since the Army.

Waiter: I haven't blown anything up since my climatizer oven 2474 in my drink ship to see how hot it could cook air. Gee, I miss that ship.

(Screaming is heard as well as the plummet of a large object)

General: (looks up) Look! Leon's coming back. He's heading right for the centre of the ruins.

Waiter: I'd better get him some food (runs off)

(A crash is heard, scene fades out, then back in. The pod is smashed open, an injured looking Leon hanging limply on top of it. General runs in and helps Leon out)

General: Congratulations! You beat Zorg with us.

(Waiter appears)

Waiter: Yes, good show. Sandwich and beverage (hands Leon and sandwich and water)

Leon: (dazed) Thanks… this had better be vodka! Damn, I need it… uggh… (collapses)

General: Is he… deaded?

Waiter: No. But I wouldn't let him hunt for a couple of weeks. (to camera) Which will be next week for you, farewell.

General: Did you get a mad disease from those cows?

(Waiter glares at General)

Credits 2 - Credits

(Credits roll on with Narrator as a voice over)

Narrator: Well. I get to talk now. My yellow card's up. So what happened to Leon? Well, he broke his arm and fractured his leg. He had to stay in Waiter's hut for about a month and with the help of the Waiter's special toast (sniggers). He was fully healed. The General ate about a ton of food and the Waiter tried to dissect the leaf. Be he couldn't, because I stole it. Ha! Ha! So he tinkered the Time Machine back to normal. That's about it. So see you next time, unless you're playing some multiplayer, multiuniverse video game like you do.


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"The Adventures of Leon Chubbadanfish, the Waiter and General Breadbasket" is copyright Matt Quarterstein.