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Episode 2 - Settling Time

By Matt Quarterstein

SCENE I: - "The Adventures of Leon Chubbadanfish, the Waiter and General Breadbasket" Logo - ?

(N.B. All characters in this scene are voice-only)

Narrator: Hi, I'm the narrator. Welcome to "The Adventures of Leon Chubbadanfish, the Waiter and General Breadbasket". You know, I could sit all day and chat just here! Chat and chat and chat and…

Waiter: Get on with it! Or I'll do it!

Narrator: You're supposed to be hanging!

Waiter: Well, they don't know that, do they? Because you're not telling them.

Narrator: Then go away, get back to "hanging" and I will tell them

Waiter: Oh, all right

(SFX: Footsteps trailing off)

Narrator: Ahem, as I was saying, previously in our adventures, Leon, an army senior officer, has been ejected onto a planet being sucked into a black hole. This was a punishment for… still wanting war. He has met the Waiter, a caterer from the army Mothership. He is also being punished…

Waiter: I was relocated! You silly man…

Narrator: Go AWAY! Ahem… as well as the General, a mysterious ex-army officer whose background is unknown. Well, I suppose that's what makes him mysterious. They have met Gary, an alien who, from the Waiter's stupidity…

Waiter: I just wanted to find out about the drink he drank!

Narrator: Shut up!! The alien Gary has now grown into a monster… unknown to Leon, who has gone into the boobytrapped Temple of Weapons to find the "Beef 5", a really good weapon. He had set off a trap and is now being chased by a hippie ball. (confused) Eh? While the General and the Waiter are cornered by Gary. That's it! You think it's weird? I only told you the sensible version!

Credits 1 - Titles

Scene II - Outside the Temple of Weapons - January 1st 2500

Waiter & General: Ahhhhhh!

Gary/Monster: Time to squish humans with one er… foot. I mean… carton base. Yeah!

(A giant milk carton base begins to go down)

General: No! Stop!

(Carton stops in mid-air)

Gary/Monster: What is it?

General: Well, I've been in the army, and I've always wanted to die, if I didn't die of old age, to die an honorable death. NOT to be squooshed! How will anyone recognize me at a funeral?

Gary/Monster: Fair enough! I'm going to kill you two. But YOU can decide the method.

General: Um…

Gary/Monster: Hurry up, or I'll eat you!

General: Yep! I got it! I want to die by a building falling on me! Yeah. You could smash that one (motions to the temple) on us. That'd be good.

Gary/Monster: Ok then. Buried alive it is. Have a nice life, the last few seconds!

Waiter: I don't want to die like this! I want to die of old age (continues to whine)

Gary/Monster: Well, too bad! I may be Monster Gary but I am not Professor Woodbridge! Ta! Ta!

Waiter & General: Ahhhhhh!

Scene III - Nowhere (1st time this story!) - January 1st 2500

Waiter: I am interrupting my horrible death… I think… to give you an apology. An apology to Professor Woodbridge. He is a great educator, even though hardly anyone knows him, and the Gary Monster is only saying all that stuff about him because it's funny, but only really funny if you knew him, Gary that is. Thank you, and now back to my death… um… ahhhhh!

Scene IV - Birds Eye View of Temple - January 1st 2500

(Gary/Monster smashes the temple and roars)

Scene V - Inside the Temple - January 1st 2500

(Leon is still running away from the Hippie Ball)

Hippie: Join me and you'll be out of site, man!

Leon: Never! (screams) NEVER!

(Leon runs to the end of the aisle while the Hippie Ball follows, never slowing down, Leon reaches the end of the aisle and sees the "Beef 5" on a pedestal)

Leon: The BEEF 5! (grabs it) Now to blow you crazy ball up!

Hippie Ball: Uh! Uh! Man! I'm a light based life form and that will do nada! Sayonara, man!

(Camera focuses on Leon's panicky face, Hippie Ball is out of shot and voice only)

Hippie Ball: Peace man! You are just about to enter the fantastic world of…

(Roars. Smashing and crunching are heard)

Hippie Ball: Bummer, man…

Leon: Look at the size of that carton! What is that thing, a dairy farm dropout!

(N.B. Monster/Gary is out of shot and voice-only)

Monster/Gary: I am Monster Gary and I am going…

Leon: (lifts gun) …going to have your guts goin' all the way to Cygnus 6. I knew you weren't as innocent as you looked.

Monster/Gary: (shocked) You wouldn't?

Leon: I would! Finally, some alien scum to shoot. Thank you for stepping in. Later "Gawwy".

(Leon pulls the trigger of the "Beef 5" and there is a rumble then an explosion from the barrel. Gary/Monster falls over and dies, on the temple, leaving it demolished)

Scene VI - Outside Temple Ruins - January 1st 2500

(General and Waiter are groaning in pain, and are covered in dust. Leon runs out with the Beef 5, triumphant, with a big grin on his face)

Leon: I killed it! I KILLED IT! That Gary is dead! DEAD! (stops in thought) Say, how'd he turn "Garyzilla" anyway?

General: Ohh! My head hurts again! (to Leon) It was the Waiter's fault! He gave it a donut!

Waiter: (annoyed and sulky) Could everybody stop picking on me! I made a mistake, ok? I'm going off to get some scones, if you want any. (limps off)

General: (to Leon) Thank goodness that's over. Lucky you shot when you did! (looks at Beef 5) You got it! You got the Beef 5!

Leon: See, I'm not so dumb, am I?

General: I suppose not. Out of all the weapons that were going to be destroyed that you could have saved, you picked the best!

Leon: (proudly) Yep. I always liked the bes… WHAT? All the weapons destroyed?

General: Yep! The Gary squooshed them instead of us! I knew he had a bad aim. He tried to kick me into a lake, but instead he kicked me right into a Caimanamute's mouth. I was lucky to get away from the sharp teeth! It didn't like Dijon Mustard either and…

Leon: General! All the weapons are gone! All the ammo! All the spare parts. Do you know what that means? Huh?

General: (thinking) No nasty blasties from any other weapon than Beef 5?

Leon: (real mad, but stifling it) Yeah, no "nasty blasties" (goes over to the ruins of the temple [out of shot]) and it is all this Gary's fault! You… (swears his head off while metallic whacks are heard) and… Uh! Oh!

General: (looking over to Leon) No there's no more blasties left. Maybe a parsty though, in the deep cryo-unit. See ya! I'm off for a snack. (walks off)

(Leon trudges back on, the Beef 5 has springs and coils coming out of it, in other words, it looks stuffed)

Leon: I just broke the last weapon on the planet! Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Scene VII - Waiter's Hut - January 1st 2500

(General comes out with a parsty and sees Waiter)

General: Sorry about that fault thing.

Waiter: It's ok

General: But it is true though

Waiter: (hurt) Hey!

General: Sorry! Sorry! I mean, it's all over now. Nothing serious happened.

Waiter: Who needs weapons when you have ice cream cones?

General: Yeah! (toasting in the air with his parsty) To ice-creams and apple pie (throws parsty up in the air, but drops it on the ground) …and to the next parsty, that it doesn't end up like THAT! (bends over to look at remains, scrounging around)

Waiter: I feel better now, thanks. (to camera) And now to dissect this leaf. You know, I've put this off so long, I can't remember what kind of leaf this is! Oh! I remember! It's a…

General: (gets up) Look what I found Waiter! Look!

Waiter: (whirls around, drops leaf) What? What is it?

General: (Shows Waiter a watch in his hand) It's Zorg's Time Machine! Must have come here with the debris.

Waiter: Can I dissect it instead of the leaf?

General: I don't know… wouldn't you rather see the dawn of the planet, see the future?

Waiter: Not really, I've seen the past and the future IS coming soon.

Scene VIII - Future (Probably) - 2501

Waiter: Actually, I'm here now. My system of seeing things is much better, isn't it? Oh… sorry. I was supposed to be with the General when I said that. And now back to me! (sits round waiting for a bit) Go, GO NOW!

Scene IX - Waiter's Hut - January 1st 2500

General: Waiter? So are you going to travel with it?

Waiter: Hmm… hmm… hmm… I might travel with it, but after I beef it up a bit. You know, add an egg beater, stick a plunger and some telescope lenses and it will be perfect.

General: Suit yourself. Last time I got my hands on that, I went to the future, the year 10000 AD

Waiter: Really? What was it like? Use a flashback, please!

General: Oh… ok. The year is 10000 AD…

(fades out)

Scene X - Future Limbo - 10000

Waiter: This is supposed to be a flashback, but it was in the future… er… to be in the future… er… I don't know! It didn't work, so we'll head back, shall we?

Scene XI - Waiter's Hut - January 1st 2500

General: …and that's what happened!

Waiter: Cool! So they had inside out donuts and everything?

General: Yep! I would have gone further into the future but the darn thing blew up on me and interrupted time and space, in fact, every dimension!

Waiter: Wow! Even storytelling?

General: Say what?

Waiter: The 5th dimension! (counting on fingers) There's height, width, depth, time and storytelling. It's been proven! When I was a police officer, I experimented in that area. Never worked though, but it exists!

Narrator: (voice-only) Don't tell HIM, it's supposed to be a secret

Waiter: (to sky) Oh, go away! You did your bit before!

General: (to Waiter) Ok, I believe you. So anyway, Zorg turned into a jam based life form because of my travels, and brought me back here with his homing device. You know the rest! (gets out sandwich and takes a bite, then offering it to Waiter) Want a bite, Waiter?

Waiter: What flavour is inside?

General: Squished up bits of Zorg's kidneys (bites into it, nice and slow)

Waiter: So it's a jam sandwich then. (shakes head) No thanks, I don't eat offal. (regaining composure) So the moral of that story is…?

General: I don't know! (thinking) Not to have Zorg for a friend, but have him as a snack (takes another large bite of sandwich) Mmm, yum!

Waiter: No! I'm sure you'll think of it though. (looks at time machine) Now to tinker with this thingy.

General: Can I tinker too?

Waiter: It's a one-man tinker, General. Too small!

General: Oh… (dissapointed)

Waiter: (consoling) You can have a fresh scone from the oven while I work on it.

General: Yeah! Can I have jam too?

Waiter: As long as it's not Zorg! Try one of my new jams.

General: New Jams!! I'm getting first bags on Venusberry (runs off)

Waiter: Now (turns to camera) How to tinker with an invention. First you open it up to see what it does. (gets out screwdriver) This is going to be fun (starts unscrewing the Time Machine)

Scene XII - Leon's Turf - January 1st 2500

(Leon is seated, alone in the forest)

Leon: I tried working together. I really did! But the General's just too dazed from quarkshock or something, and the Waiter… he just passes through time and space with his stupidity! For them to work with me, I'll have to come up with a plan. A plan, so that they can go along and help me without realizing it. Yeah… yeah!

(General walks on, eating another sandwich)

General: I got Venusberry for MY lunch. What did YOU get?

Leon: (surprised) You even talk like the commander! Except for the accent and the stupidity, you could BE him.

General: Yeah, and if he wasn't like him, he could be ME!

Leon: No, no one would want two yous!

(General doubles over and groans)

Leon: Oh! Come on. It wasn't that much of an insult.

General: (in pain) No. It's not that, I feel sick. (drops sandwich) It must have been something I ate.

Leon: What have you been eating?

General: (wincing) This and that, you know. Sandwiches, pizza, bits of Zorg, that sort of thing.

Leon: (a bit angry) Don't you know alien carcasses are full of disease! We'd better get you into a bed or something.

General: (weak and hoarse) I don't think… I can… make it… (collapses on forest floor)

Leon: (concerned) General? General! (feels General for a pulse) He's dead. He's DEAD! How could he die like that. How? HOW?

(A weird noise is heard)

Leon: (looks around) What was that? Waiter? Is that you? General just died! Waiter?

(General begins to stir)

Leon: Oh well! I guess I'd better bury him.

General: (bolts up) Don't bury me! I'm not dead yet!

Leon: General! You're alive! But… I felt your pulse. You died of an alien disease!

General: I thought I did too! But now… it feels like I never ate anything to die of! In fact, I'm really hungry! Where's that sandwich?

Leon: That is so weird! There was a noise. Did you hear it?

General: Of course I didn't silly! I was dead!

Leon: (groans) But there was a noise! Hey! Have you ever died before?

General: No, that was my first time, it felt like…

Leon: Ok! Nevermind. So something must have revived you. What could it have been?

General: I don't care, I really don't. Now I'm off to get another sandwich… Ta! Ta! (begins to leave)

(Noise is heard again)

Leon: That noise!

General: That noise? Never heard it before.

Scene XIII - The Beach - January 1st 2500

(Leon & General are surprised to find themselves on the beach)

Leon: What are we doing here?

General: I don't know! But now I can't get a sandwich.

Leon: First, you being revived… and now this! When is it all…

(noise heard again)

General: It just did it again.

Scene XIV - Street Scene - January 1st 2500

(General and Leon are in the street. General is surprised, Leon is just ticked off)

Leon: What are we doing HERE? (to sky) Stupid planet, settle down and put us back where we were!

General: I like it here! Reminds me of a planet with a fast food stand every two streets. See ya! (walks off)

Leon: General! Come back! You don't know where…

(noise heard again)

Scene XV - Nowhere (No, seriously) - 2500?

(Only Leon appears here, General is nowhere to be seen. Leon is really, really, angry)

Leon: (fed up) That's it! I'm finding out what's going on!

General: (pops his head up from below screen) Now I really don't know where I am!

Leon: Now, at least there's nothing to distract you. We have got to find what's causing this.

General: Maybe the planet's feeling sick and needs some time to settle.

Leon: That could be it… but…

(The noise is heard again)

Scene XVI - The Forest - January 1st 2500

(General and Leon are here, looking surprised and relieved)

Leon: We're back at last!

General: It seemed like we were always here. It wasn't like we were warping.

Leon: I know… Say, how do you know about hyper-travel?

General: (clamps hands over mouth) Can't tell, it's a secret.

Leon: You won't tell me, ay? Probably because it's not "your thing"?

General: No, because I don't know about hyper travel. But I've been in a warp before, y'know. In the army.

Leon: "in the army" (tired voice) You were never in the army.

General: Was too

Leon: Was not

General: Was too

(They argue for a while until the noise is heard)

Leon: Hey… wait! The noise went again.

General: …and we're still here! What do you think's going to change?

Leon: DOES something have to change?

General: Don't look at me! (sarcastic) I'M not supposed to know anything.

Leon: You want to fight, do ya? (pushes General) Hey?

Monster/Gary: (voice-only) Don't you hate it when your dinner argues?

General: (turns around) That sounds like…

Leon: (shocked) It can't be…

Monster/Gary: (voice-only) It is. I'm baaaaack!

General & Leon: (look up) IT'S THE GARY MONSTER! AHHHH!

(Cut to shot of the Gary Monster, still a carton of milk)

Monster/Gary: Nothing stops me, for I am monster Gary.

General: We know who you are! You've told us a million times.

Leon: (ix nay) Shut up. Do you want us killed?

General: I've already been killed, I'm not afraid!

Monster/Gary: Good! I like my food non-stressed. Now which one of you should I eat first? I know, Leon! You killed me, and now you're weaponless!

Leon: No! NOOOOOOOO!

(The noise is heard)

General: (happily) The noise!

Leon: (annoyed) The noise!

Monster/Gary: (confused) The noise?

(Monster/Gary disappears with a pop)

General: He's gone! Again…

Leon: Where'd he go? Where'd he come from anyway?

General: (patronzingly) Well you see Leon… hasn't anyone sat you down and talked to you about this?

Leon: (irritated) Not how he was born you idiot! How he came back.

General: Well, it was that noise that seemed to do it.

Leon: The noise! Always the noise! But what's causing the noise?

General: Sometimes, if you don't oil something, it makes a noise.

Leon: (sarcastic) Oh! Clever General! Clev… Hey! That's not a bad theory! But what do we need to oil? And how do we oil it?

(The noise is heard again and a sandwich appears in General's hand)

General: Lets not oil it YET (eats sandwich)

Leon: You're going to EAT that? It might be a virus sandwich again.

General: No, Andromeda ham actually. And it's delicious!

(The noise sounds, and the sandwich starts moving, closer to General, who starts to panic)

General: Ah… er… help me Leon!

Leon: I'm not helping you eat that. All they fed me was canned Andromeda Ham on Ragnarok. I hate the stuff!

General: No, the sandwich is ALIVE! It's going to eat me.

(Sandwich "attacks" while General dodges)

Leon: Whoa! Anything I can do?

General: (still dodging) No, I'll be ok…

(Noise heard and sandwich disappears)

General: I've heard of food with a bit of bite in it… but… phwoof!

Leon: You see, General? We need to find what's causing this and stop it, or we will all be killed. Any ideas of what it could be?

General: (panicky) Um… I can't think under pressure

Leon: You must have a vice clamped to your head all the time!

General: (offended) Hey! Ah… (thinking) well the Waiter WAS tinkering with it…

Leon: Tinkering with what?

General: Do you want to tinker too? Too terrible! Time to tinker tromped to death. By the Waiter. Not a two type tinker.

Leon: Terrific. Time to tongue twist eh? (surprised at himself) What am I doing? (Noise heard, Leon and General stand up, arms around each other and start to dance)

Leon and General: (singing) Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? Ta! Daaaaaa!(wave arms)

(noise heard, Leon and General push each other away)

Leon: You see! It's doing stuff to our minds now! What next? Our bodies? I don't want to hear the next noise and find I have 3 ears!

General: Oh, I don't know… could be useful for listening to people.

Leon: (groans) Funny! Now what were you saying? About the Waiter?

General: Oh yeah! He was tinkering with Zorg's time machine and was going to "beef" it up real good, so it could go further than 10000 AD.

Leon: And…

General: And I did that once too!

Leon: (angry) So? That's got nothing to do with… (lightens up) Hey! I've got an idea!

General: What flavour? I love eclairs. Oh and chips. I love chips! And hot dogs! Lollies, I…

Leon: Shut up! Not eclairs. Idea (calms down) What if the Waiter's adjustments were making time all wonky.

General: It happened when I did it.

Leon: (more angry) What? You knew, and you didn't tell me ages ago?

General: I did tell you (looks confused) No… that was the Waiter…

Leon: General, you are an idiot! Anyway, so to stop all this from happening, we have to stop the Waiter!

General: Yeah! Yeah!! Can I have a snack first?

Leon: No time. Do you want the planet to turn to (spooky voice) "Dijon Mustard"

General: Ahhhh! No! NOOOOO! Let's go now before the next noise. Hurry! (grabs Leon and begins dragging him off)

Leon: Now that's more like… whoa! Ahhh!

(Both run off)

(Nothing happens in the empty forest for a little while)

(The noise sounds and the Commander appears)

Commander: (singing) The funky town… yeah! Whoa! I'm not on the disco cruiser. I'm on a planet. THE planet. The Waiter planet. The planet which Leon is on. (shouts into the forest) Leon! Is this a joke? I hate this planet! I'll do anything if you get me off. ANYTHING!!! I don't want to be sucked into a black hol…

(The noise sounds and Commander vanishes, leaving nothing but a communicator, which drops onto the forest floor)

(Leon runs back on)

Leon: What? Did somebody call me? (looks around) I must be going mad too… (runs off, camera focuses on communicator, lying on the forest floor)

Scene XVII - Waiter's Hut - January 1st 2500

(The Waiter is in the hut, holding a beefed up watch and a screwdriver)

Waiter: (to camera) Hello again! Now, once you have taken out the reality mainframe, you can time travel to stuff that never happened. Isn't this good dumb science. And that army guy can't stuff me up. I haven't had this much fun since Pepsi had it's great new, new, new, new taste. There! All finished! Now to test it… ahem! How to test an invention, first push the go button! Like this…

(Leon and General come running in)

Leon: Hold it right there, Waiter! You're stuffing up time!

Waiter: No I'm not. Now go away. I'm just about to open the vortex to test it.

(points to Time Machine)

General: Come on, don't do it Waiter! A sandwich nearly had me for lunch because of that! (points) It's dangerous to use.

Waiter: Well, I don't care. You keep not paying attention to me, so I might as well go away. (pushes button on time machine)

Leon: Don't! No don't!

General: If I were you, Leon, I'd get away. Reeeal fast.

Leon: (angry) And why's that?

Waiter: (forlorn) Goodbye, cruel world!

Scene XVIII - Nowhere - 2500

(Waiter is there)

Waiter: (to camera) Now, when I said "Goodbye, cruel world", it doesn't mean this planet is cruel. Silly, maybe, but not a meanie planet. It's just something people say. Like "Coffee, please". It means "Blah! Blah!" or "Yaddah! Yaddah!". But enough of me, back to my untimely (laughs) situation.

Scene XIX - The Forest Outside Waiter's Hut - January 1st 2500

Waiter: Farewell!

General: I'd get away, Leon, because you'll get sucked into the vortex with the Waiter if you stay.

Leon: Well, I don't care. Better to go with him than stay in a shifting, settling time zone. And besides, who's going to make dinner tonight?

General: (shocked) Dinner? I don't know where he hides the frozen leaning tower of pizzas. Waiter! Don't go in there! (runs towards him)

Leon: You'll stuff up time. Ahhh! (runs as well)

Waiter: Too late! Here it comes…

(A vortex appears and Waiter, General and Leon begin to fade away)

General: I warned yo… (fades away)

Leon: Oh fu… (fades away)

Waiter: Pistachio nut ice cre… (fades away)

Scene XX - Vortex - 4000BC to 10,005 AD

(Vortex shown with screaming heard in the background)

Scene XXI - South of Londinium., Earth - 45 BC

(Caesar and his troops are ready to attack the village of Londinium, all dressed in Roman gear, Caesar wearing a laurel wreath)

Caesar: Fellow Romans, today we extend our empire by taking over Britannia! The Britons have no hope of defeating our superior Roman Forces.

(cheers rise among the troops)

Caesar: So let us go forth, Romans.

(The vortex suddenly appears and drops Leon, General and the Waiter)

Waiter: (picking himself up) Whoa! I'm not dead!

Leon: (gets up) Well, of course you're not dead! You only time traveled!

Waiter: What? I thought I was going to age to death in the Vortex. You know, like in early television shows!

Leon: Waiter, I don't know how you passed chef school.

Waiter: I do, I baked a soufflé. It rose so high, it picked up our teacher on the way and sent him to one of New New New France III's ten moons. I still wave to him every time I visit.

Leon: (angry) Listen. You've taken us back to… (eyes Caesar, thinking) …Roman times instead of killing yourself, wrecked time, nearly got us all killed, and now you've ruined (eyes Caesar again) Caesar's speech! Do you think I have time to listen to your crap?

Waiter: I do, so why don't you?

(Caesar, meanwhile just stares at the trio in shock)

General: Caesar? (looks at Caesar) Julius Caesar?

Caesar: Er… yes (suddenly serious) I'm here to conquer Britannia.

General: (excited) THE Julius Caesar. (jumps up and down) I am so excited! I've read your book, learnt about you in school, saw you in Asterix comics, now I get to MEET you.

Caesar: What are you talking about? Get out of my way! I'm trying to conquer here!

General: First, can I have your autograph? (gets out paper) Could you make it out to Generalus Maximus please? (gets out pen)

Caesar: I… suppose I could (sings paper)

Waiter: (to Leon) He's having fun, isn't he?

Leon: (to Waiter) He'd have fun in a torture chamber!

General: (goes over to Leon) Of course I would, I could count all the pointy points.

Caesar: (finishes signing and hands paper to General) Here you are… er… Generalus.

General: Thanks. (looks at paper) Gee, this is great! Look you two! (Shows Leon and Waiter/camera)

Leon: That's terrible!

Waiter: That's HIS signature?

General: Yep, and it's all mine

Waiter: (grabs paper and shows camera) Look at it people, look at it!

Leon: Who are you talking to Waiter?

Waiter: Can't you see? Them (points to camera)

General: I think he means them (points)

(Cut to some cows, then cut back)

Leon: Oh, right, I should have guessed.

Waiter: No that's not what I meant. I meant them, the people…

(The Waiter blabs on while Leon gets annoyed and General gets excited about the signature)

Caesar: (fed up) That's it! I can't take it anymore! These Britons are too barbaric. Come on troops! Leave some other future fool Caesar to take this land over. Those winging poms! Agh! (walks off into the distance with troops)

Scene XXII - Nowhere - 45BC (Probably)

(Waiter is in front of the camera)

Waiter: I am interrupting me again… (excited) Ooh! I've never done this time travelling before. Isn't it great? Oh… ahem! …to apologize to the British for beginning that horrible insult that is "Whinging Poms". It is our fault. Ok. OUR FAULT! We didn't mean to, it's something else that nobody appreciates! Ahhhh! (fades out)

Scene XXIII - The "Gone Bonkers" Logo

Narrator: (voice-only) We are sorry for this interference in your viewing time. We are having technical difficulties. (angrily) Take that you stupid…

(banging noises heard)

Narrator: …there! All fixed! We have lost some footage from the show and you probably won't understand the next scene. But, as always on TV, we are going to play the missing scene because our show will run overtime otherwise and people will write letters to innocent TV guides complaining and other "end of the world" stuff. So back to the regular programme.

Scene XXIV - The Forest - January 1st 2500 AD

(Vortex appears and dumps General, Leon and Waiter, in that order. Leon is holding the Time Machine)

General: (still with paper and pen) I've got it! This is so cool! I'm going to my bungalow and hanging it on my bunkside bush! (runs off)

Waiter: (upset, to Leon) Oh! You always ruin my fun, don't you? I never get to do anything anymore because of you! Stupid army guy!

Leon: The names Leon, Waiter! I sent us back because it would only interfere with time more if we stayed. You just don't understand, do you? You can't just go being stupid all your life.

Waiter: No! I don't think YOU understand. This is different from where you lived! For one thing there's no intergalactic McDonalds restaurants here.

Leon: I'm not going to listen to this! I am really not going to listen. I've had enough for one day and I'm going to bed!

Waiter: Can't I have the time machine back?

Leon: This is what I think of your f**king time machine (throws it away) There! Now YOU can't stuff up anything else.

Waiter: You big, big, big, big, really big meanie!! I'm going away now to dissect leaves in PEACE. (begins to walk off, then turns to face Leon) and by the way, you have no bed here! You arrived in the morning you silly-head! (walks right off)

Leon: Damn! I forgot about that! I'm starting to get as stupid as they are! Maybe I'll give in in a week and start talking to cows too. They may be idiots, but I need human help, even idiots will do, to get off this planet. No aliens would help, not after we blew them all up because they didn't like our culture in 2426. I'm doomed on this planet, weaponless and friendless. What did I do to deserve this (shouts) WHAT?

(General comes running back with two guns and a communication device)

General: It's rude to say "what" you know. You should say "pardon"!

Leon: Listen. I'm not in the mood. In fact, I'm never… (sees weapons)…General?

General: I know you're never me! You said that command guy is like me!

Leon: No… I know that! Where did you get those (excited) Guns and communicator from?

General: I just found them like (clicks his fingers) that! Where we were when the noise and stuff happened.

Leon: (thinking) Just found them… hey! When we went back to Britannia we must have interfered to make this stuff appear. What guns are those, General?

General: (checks) Plasma rifles, Bounty Brand, 2308. They used 'em on trips to Bioriveros to hunt the Knight Quails in the 24th century. Knight Quails? I think there's some in the freezer somewhere, or maybe just a bucket of KFQ will do. See you Leon, I'm off to tea (walks off)

Leon: (kind of excited) Thanks General! Maybe the Waiter did something right! But still, he won't listen to reason. (checks communication device) This is one of those computer-comms. Voice-operated, I hope. (to comm-unit) Excuse me, what is your comp level?

Computer-Comm: Pentium CLVI 1,700,033GHZ sir!

Leon: At least THIS thing respects me, even though it is a primitive thing. Portables always are. With this technology I could get off this planet, but still I need all the help I can get! The General is willing enough to help. Probably cause he's got a bit of army sense somewhere in his empty head. Oh well! Time for bed! Even though this stupid sun never sets for years! Stupid outer planet! (lies down on the ground and gets comfortable)

(SFX: An alien squawk)

Leon: Shut up, ya stupid bird! (shoots into the air)

(SFX: Demented tweet)

Leon: (satisfied) That's better!

Scene XXV - Forest away from people - January 1st 2500

Narrator: (voice-only) That's nearly the end you know, I've just got to find you a cliffhanger. You know, something to keep you hooked! Except this has ended rather well and that's that.

(Waiter steps in)

Waiter: Maybe it doesn't need a cliffhanger, I heard that cliffhanging gives you lung cancer

Narrator: (voice-only) That's smoking!

Waiter: That too! Now, leave me alone, or are you going to be mean?

Narrator: (voice-only) I'm not going to be mean. I'll go.

(Camera pans past Waiter)

Narrator: (voice-only) Now, what can I find? What? What?

(The broken time machine is now seen on the ground, buzzing)

Narrator: (voice-only) Hmm… this beefed up Time Machine is doing something! Something it's not supposed to. But what? Will we ever know?

(Waiter comes back)

Waiter: I'm warning you, if I get lung cancer I'm calling a lawyer. (walks off)

Narrator: (voice-only) As I was saying… will it endanger our three… er… people we watch on TV? Find out on the next episode of "The Adventures of Leon Chubbadanfish, the Waiter and General Breadbasket", or maybe you'll turn to another channel and watch a rerun of "Friends". But you'll be missing ouuut! See ya!

Credits 2 - Credits

(Credits roll, during which there is an additional scene)

Scene XXIa - Britannia - 45BC

(Caesar is standing, looking dazed, while General gives him paper)

General: And sign one for my dad, and my mum, and my uncle and one for all my army friends, and for Leon and Waiter, they'll thank me later, and for… (goes on)

Narrator: (voice-only) Ah, there's that missing scene! It was hiding!

THE END
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"The Adventures of Leon Chubbadanfish, the Waiter and General Breadbasket" is copyright Matt Quarterstein.