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Quarterstein's Home Leon's Home Scripts Characters News

By Matt Quarterstein

SCENE I: Just off a black hole somewhere: 2475 AD

(The episode starts with a restaurant ship cruising past the black hole. The date & location are given on screen. The scene then goes inside the ship and shows the Waiter at the bar polishing glasses. He polishes one but somehow it isn't clean enough for him. He polishes harder until a 'ding' is heard. Satisfied with the glass he throws it in the bin)

Waiter: (to camera) And now, how to make a cup of tea.(gets out a tea bag and a glass of hot water) First, you get a teabag and you dip it in some hot water, and there you go, a cup of tea! (gleeful) I love this job. It's the best. This ship is the best! I wish this would stay the same forever.

(Alarms start going off everywhere)

Bar Computer: Warning! Warning! Black hole immanent! Will be sucked in. Evacuate! Evacuate!

Waiter: (sighing in frustration) That'd be right, anything else?

Bar Computer: I could tell you if I had a Pentium CDXI 1,610,033 GHz, but (sarcastic) noooooo!!!!

Waiter: This had better be a false alarm. (To camera) Now. How to evacuate. First, don't panic...

(bites lip, screams then dashes off to the escape pod.)

SCENE II - The inside of the escape pod - 2475 AD

(The escape pod exits the restaurant ship. The restaurant ship is then sucked into the black hole. Camera goes inside escape pod to see the Waiter, grieving over his loss.)

Waiter: My ship! My poor ship! My favourite thing in the universe, GONE!!!

(The Waiter starts to cry before noticing the Army Mothership outside the pod. Camera then flashes to Army Mothership in space going past)

Waiter: (voice-only) Hey! There's the Army Mothership. I'm sure THEY would be grateful for some tea and scones. Yes, I'm sure they would be very grateful indeed. (Laughs crazily)

SCENE III - Nowhere! - 2500 AD

Waiter: Now that's how I come in to the story! Good for me! Ha! Ha!! Now I'll be showing you how to drink a glass of water. (Looks around) But first you NEED a glass of water. (Annoyed) Where's mine gone? This is not a good start at all! (Bored) Oh, roll the titles! No wait! Is my name on there?

Set Worker Type: (Off screen. Distant) Yeah!

Waiter: Oh good! Do you want some tea then? (Louder) Maybe a biscuit? (Waits for a reply) Perhaps not. Carry on then.

CREDITS I - TITLES

SCENE IV - Coast of Ragnarok Sea, Ragnarok - December 29, 2499 AD

(Shows coastal scene. Date and location are given. Nothing much going on. An explosion is heard. Giblets fly everywhere. Leon staggers on in a ripped shirt, dirtied face.)

Leon: I'm free!

(Annoyed alien grunts and squeals are heard)

Leon: Oh Sh*t!! (Runs off in a panic)

(Camera goes to a part of coastal scrub, Leon runs past, only legs can be seen)

Leon: How dare those chrome dome alien trash put me in there!

(Leon Jumps off small clifftop, rolls & gets up)

Leon: They'll pay for that! (gets out gun, shoots a couple of times) I was in that prison for five years!! Five years of those alien scum pushing me around. Well I got 'em this time. Now back to the army. (Runs into the distance) MORE CONQUEST!!!!!!

SCENE V - Army Mothership - January 1st, 2500 AD

(The Commander and Leon are walking down a corridor. Commander is out of shot. Leon, in military gear, looks annoyed)

Leon: What d'ya mean "No more conquest"?

(Commander comes into shot, wearing military gear also, although slightly askew.)

Commander: Leon, while you were in prison, we humans took over every planet in the universe, even Ragnarok!

Leon: (Furious) Even Ragnarok!?!?!?! I was imprisoned on Ragnarok!

Commander: We thought we'd leave you there. You're such a party pooper.

Leon: You're a disgrace to the army!!!! You know that?

Commander: Well I'm richer and that makes me a better person so (pulls a face) NYAH NYAH NY NYAH NYAH on you!

(Both walk into meeting room. About 12 other officers are inside, who salute the Commander then sit down)

Commander: (Changes face into enthusiasm) Ok People! We have just invaded the last planet in the universe under alien control, Mars! (Turns away and speaks to himself) Those Martians hid themselves so well, who knew they could change size and colour, whoever heard of large blue men from Mars? (To audience) Ahem! Now we have done such a great service for Earth, there is no need for the army!!

(crew groans)

Commander: But we don't have to tell President Wilheims about that do we?

(crew cheers. Leon, annoyed, faces the Commander)

Leon: (fury in his voice) Commander...

Commander: Ah! Not a word until you've had some tea. Officer Maharg!

Officer Maharg: Yes sir!

Commander: Get me some tea. 2 cups, one with no sugar and one with 3 lumps. Got it?

Officer Maharg: Yes sir! (Runs off to get it)

(Commander sees Leon's violent face, quickly he calls back Officer Maharg as if to take Leon away)

Commander: No! Wait! Officer Maharg!

Officer Maharg: What is it, sir?

Commander: Better make that two with no lumps.

Officer Maharg: Understood sir! (Runs off again)

Leon: Fine! We'll have tea and then down to business. Wait a minute. Didn't we have a waiter to do all the waiting and doing stuff, for us?

Commander: We did Leon, but that was a while ago...

(Waiter steps in)

Waiter: Five years ago, in fact. (To camera) Now people, don't adjust your set. This is a flashback so the screen might do all sorts of things. It's not in order either, so try not to be confused.

Leon: (In disbelief) But our waiter's just there! (Points)

Commander: Oh that! Just a phenomena. He'll be gone when no one gives him any attention. (To waiter) Be off with you!

(crew boos him off)

Waiter: Oh all right. See you later then. (Walks off the way he came in)

Commander: As I was saying, five years ago...

(Fades out)

SCENE VI - Army Mothership - 2495 AD

(Fades in)

(The exact same crew is there except for Leon. The Waiter is in front of the camera)

Waiter: Well I'm here, more earlier than later.

Commander: (Annoyed) Stop talking to the wall, Waiter, and get me some coffee!

Waiter: Would you like a biscuit?

Commander: No.

Waiter: Please have one. They're oh-so-good!

Commander: Just coffee. You have biscuits with tea. Never ever coffee. Now go!

(The Waiter dashes off. He instantly comes back with a coffeepot and a mug, he starts to pour the coffee)

Waiter: (To camera) In a flashback, there are often things which explain stuff.

(cup begins to overflow)

Commander: Um, excuse me waiter...

Waiter: Its very handy in a plot like this. (Turns around) Yes Commander?

Commander: Waiter, the cup is overflowing!

Waiter: (Notices) Oops. (stops pouring, gets out sponge and starts to mop up.)

Commander: Waiter, you're terrible at this. For the past 20 years of service at this ship you've done nothing but stuff up, what if we had guests?

Waiter: Well, you haven't, had you?

Commander: (Annoyed) Listen, I'll have to review your resume. (Picks up bit of paper with "RESUME" written in big red letters and reads it) Says here you did something else before becoming a waiter. What was that?

Waiter: I could tell you about that. But I'll need another flashback...

(Fades out)

Commander: (voice-only) What happened?

Waiter: (voice-only) Too many flashbacks in a row by the same person. I'll just say I'm flashing back from you.

Commander: (voice-only) Ow!

Waiter: (voice-only) and... there!

SCENE VII - Street corner - 2469

(Fades in. Waiter is in police gear)

Waiter: I was a police officer. Now what was I doing? Oh yes! (Looks to bystander) I'm arresting you for something. Um... do you know what?

Bystander: Er... no.

Waiter: Oh. Sorry about that. (Sees thief, with sack of loot sneaking in background) Hello citizen, nice day isn't it?

Thief: Aggh! A cop! (runs away)

(Fades out)

SCENE VIII - Army Mothership - 2495 (After SCENE VI)

(Fades in)

Commander: So, you're hopeless at everything. I have no choice but to fire you, Waiter.

Waiter: (Disappointed) Ohhhhh! Can't I be relocated? You know, like insane people.

Commander: Well, you fit that description! I'll relocate you to a planet. A remote planet in the field of a black hole.

Waiter: (Excited) Oh goody! I'll be able to see my drink ship! Yay!! Yay!!

Commander: I'm glad you see it my way! (Pushes button on desk)

(The Waiter vanishes)

(Fades out)

SCENE IX - Army Mothership - January 1, 2500 AD (After SCENE V)

(Fades in)

Leon: Well, I never liked that waiter anyway. Even just before!

(Waiter walks in)

Waiter: Do you mean in the flashbacks or when I appeared saying "Do not adjust your set"? Either way, it's still pretty mean.

Commander: Waiter, stop being impossible and get out!!!

(Waiter dashes off)

Leon: (still eyeing where the waiter appeared) I don't suppose that planet's remote any more, since you conquered it.

Commander: Well actually, the planet is still remote, we haven't conquered it yet.

Leon: (Vindicated) That means you haven't taken over every planet in the universe. It's the only planet left, why don't you take it over?

Commander: There's no point, Leon. It's in the field of a black hole. It could be sucked in any day now.

Leon: But it hasn't been. (speech-like) I say to you officers that we should take this planet over. If it's so remote, it should be easy. Now who is with me?

(Crew mumbles, looks at each other.)

Commander: Looks like you'll have to do it all alone, Leon, if you're so determined to do so. (Pushes button) Have a nice trip! Ta! Ta!

Leon: (Panicky) No. But I didn't mean... (disappears)

Commander: Well, easy escape, easy jettison. Good to have him gone. Now fellow officers, we shall party and get paid. That's our new life for the 26th Century!

(Crew cheers and parties to some tune. The Commander laughs.)

SCENE X - Surface of Moronicus II - January 1st, 2500 AD

(The area is lightly forested, the Waiter is standing in the midst of it doing nothing. A whining noise is heard. The Waiter starts to panic)

Waiter: Oh no! Visitors! And I haven't even baked a cake! (Runs off)

(The whining gets louder and Leon appears. The whining stops.)

Leon: Whoa! That was weird. Now to tell the Commander I'm here. (Checks for Comm-unit, doesn't find one). What? No communication device. And no weapons either! (angers). That sh*thead has abandoned me!!

(Meanwhile Gary is hiding behind a tree)

Leon: (Hysterical) Okay I'd better find some aliens then, with no weapons!!! (Shouts) HEY ALIENS! I'M ALL ALONE AND YOU CAN'T CATCH ME!! IN FACT, YOU COULDN'T EVEN CATCH A COLD!!!

(Gary casually walks up to Leon)

Gary: G'day. I'm Gary. You haven't seen Professor Woodbridge have you? I need to ask him something.

Leon: (Petrified) AHHH! An alien with unusual speech and name! It's deadly!!! AGGGHHH! (Runs off into the distance)

Gary: Oh well! (Gets out a "Gary" and takes a swig)

SCENE XI - A Presenting Place - 2500 AD

(Waiter is directly in front of the camera. There is a bench in front of him with some mud on it.)

Waiter: Now if you haven't baked a cake, you can prepare a very simple kind of cake. Today I'm going to show you how to make a mud pie...

(Leon runs through, petrified)

Leon: Agghhhhhh!

Waiter: (Acts as if nothing has happened) First you get some dirt and some water and you squoosh them all together, like so... (Squooshes mud on bench)

(Leon comes back, at walking pace, looking confused)

Leon: What are you doing here? What am I doing here?

Waiter: You didn't listen to the flashbacks, did you? Then you would have known what I am doing here. Come back in a minute, the mud pies I'm making for you aren't finished yet.

Leon: Mud pies? I wouldn't eat mud pies!

Waiter: You wouldn't?

SCENE XII - Forest, Moronicus II - January 1st, 2500 AD

(Leon and the Waiter are roughly in the same area on screen as they were in the previous scene. The bench is gone and they are surrounded by forest)

Leon: (Confused) Where did... wherever I was... go?

Waiter: You didn't give attention to it, so it went away.

Leon: Listen, I'm stuck on a crappy planet, with weird aliens, and you, a hopeless waiter! How can I not give attention to that?

(Rustles are heard in the bushes)

Leon: What was that?

Waiter: It could be that alien, Graeme...

(Brett walks on)

Brett: It's Gary. (Walks off)

Leon: Who was that??

Waiter: Nevermind! You didn't pay attention...

Leon: (Blasť) "So it went away"! Okay, I get it.

(More rustling is heard in the bushes)

Leon: What was that?

(The General falls out of the bushes and onto the ground)

Leon: (Shocked) Commander?!?!?!?

General: No, I'm the General. Waiter, I hear you're making mud pies. Can I have one? I'm starved after my journey.

Leon: (Amazed) But you look just like the Commander? His exact double! (Thinks) What's a "general" anyway?

General: The leader of the Earth army silly! Waiter! What about that mud pie??

Leon: The Commander is head of the army, not you!

General: Is not

Leon: Is too

General: Is not!

Leon: Is too!

(The General and Leon continue to argue, while the Waiter looks at the camera and talks)

Waiter: Now. I think you may be wondering how to dissect a leaf, like this one (Shows leaf). First you get a knife... (looks for one) mines gone! General? Did you take it?

General: (Stops arguing) No. Can I please have a mud pie?

Waiter: No. They aren't ready yet. You can have a pizza if you're desperate, but you'll have to use the laser microwave.

General: Goody, goody gumdrops! (Runs off)

Leon: Hang on. You like to eat mud pies, but you have pizza?

Waiter: No. We have pizza as well as 1 million years' worth of food.

Leon: Then why are you bothering with a mud pie?

Waiter: I didn't have a cake so I had to improvise. It's only polite.

Leon: (groans, then to himself) No wonder they didn't take over this planet. The black hole must have sucked their brains out.

Waiter: Would you like a mud pie? (Offers in front of face)

Leon: (Angry) No!!

Waiter: Oh well! (Throws them away)

SCENE XIII - Dunes of Moronicus 2 - January 1, 2500 AD

(Leon is sitting alone on top of a dune, in deep thought)

Leon: Well, this is just great! I'm stuck on the last uncivilized planet with two braindeads, there's no way off and at any time the whole bloody planets going to be sucked into a black hole. There's only one way I'm going to make it through this, and that's if we (shudders) work ... together. (Looks at the ground in depression)

(Gary comes up behind him)

Gary: G'day. How are ya? (Points to "Gary" chocolate milk) Would you like to try some? Its chocolate flavoured.

(Leon bolts up)

Leon: Oh no! Not you again!!! (screams and runs off)

(Gary swigs chocolate milk again)

SCENE XIV - Outside the Waiter's Hut - January 1st, 2500 AD

(The Waiter is standing, looking directly at the camera.)

Waiter: This is my hut, you know. Mine!

(The General comes out of the hut with a jam doughnut)

General: I couldn't find the pizza, so I cooked up a doughnut instead. (Shows Waiter the doughnut) Do you want me to get you one?

Waiter: No thanks General. I supposed to be thinking.

General: Well that's a waste of time. You should be doing a "Today, I'm going to do this" sort of thing, much more entertaining.

Waiter: I will in about... (checks watch) two and a half minutes. But right now I'm worried about that army guy. He doesn't understand.

General: I never understand anything, and I've got on just fine. (Suddenly looks up and points) Oh! Look! A dead bird! I think I'll follow it to see where it goes. (Hands doughnut to Waiter and runs off)

Waiter: Oh good. (To camera) He's gone. Now I can get round to dissecting this leaf. I've got a knife! (shows a butterknife) Now... (Comes very close to camera) you kiddies out there shouldn't play with knives, not even for buttering bread. They're very dangerous! In fact, you shouldn't watch this either, it's much too silly!!!!

(Leon comes running in screaming)

Leon: Ahhhhhh! I saw the Gary again, and it was drinking Gary!

Waiter: (Confused) He was drinking himself. I've heard of cannibalism, but this...

Leon: No. He was drinking Gary. The drink. You know, Garyyyy. (Notices the Waiter's knife) Hey! Where'd you get that knife?

Waiter: I got it from the Temple Of Weapons and Other Ouchy Devices! It...

Leon: (Interrupts) Temple Of Weapons? (Grabs Waiter by the lapels. Annoyed) You mean to tell me that there is a whole shack full of weapons, (angry) and you didn't tell me?

Waiter: You didn't ask, did you?

Leon: (Angry) Enough with the smart remarks! Just tell me where to go! Now!

Waiter: Just down that path. (Points away from camera to a track you can see on screen) Just follow the General, he was following a dead bird down that way. Now, see how good it is to pay attention and listen?

Leon: Thanks! You can be helpful Waiter! This working together stuff does work! (Starts walking, stops then starts to mumble) ...dead bird... (walks off)

Waiter: Now that he's gone, I can dissect this leaf.

(Leon runs back and takes the Waiter's knife just as he's about to dissect the leaf)

Waiter: (Annoyed) Hey...

Leon: Defence, Waiter, I need it. (Runs off, shouts) DEFENCE!

Waiter: (To camera) He's going to be in big trouble once he gets in there! (Looks up at the sky and starts humming, suddenly stops. Annoyed) Wait a minute, I'm a waiter and I've never heard of Gary as a drink! It's not (shouts) FAIR! (normal voice) I've got to find out more about it... maybe I'll get that alien Gary some of this doughnut, (Motions to doughnut in his hand.) then he'll tell me. Yeah! (Laughs and walks off)

SCENE XV - Track to the Temple Of Weapons - January 1st, 2500 AD

(Leon is stalking around and sees the General. He runs up to him. General doesn't turn around)

Leon: Hey! There you are. You know the way to the Temple of Weapons?

(The General whips round to face Leon)

General: Shhhh! (Motions) Its just there! (Points)

(Leon walks up to the temple as if about to go in. General holds him back.)

General: Ah! Don't go in! Its dangerous!

Leon: (Sarcastically) Yeah, and you'd know about dangerous! (Arrogantly) Just show me where the Plasma Rifles are and you can go back to doing... stuff!

General: (Offended) I was chasing a dead bird! It had a dictionary in its mouth and I wanted to see if they had taken the word "general" out of it. And someone told me that gullible had been taken out too, so I'd be checking that up as well.

(Leon groans)

General: Plasma rifles, you say? Classic weapon lover are you? That's 22nd century stuff that you see in intergalactic antique fairs. Now if I were to go in there, I'd get myself a real beefy weapon!

Leon: "Beefy" eh? And if you were so "dumb", what would you get?

General: I'd get the Greenpeace 2475 Sub Atomic Plasmic Disrupter, Beefy Deluxe Edition 5. The Neo-Hippies used it on Venus to stop the humans from...

Leon: Yeah! I know Second Galactic War history! I didn't know the good ol' "Beef 5" still existed! You're not joking, are you?

General: Of course not! They have absolutely every weapon in there, including virus flecked toothpicks! But doooon't go in there!

Leon: And what would you know?

General: About your things? Nothing! But about my things, (confused) um... nearly a lot!

Leon: Oh! Go away!

(General sighs and walks off)

General: Don't say I didn't warn you! (Thinks) I wonder if that alien Zorg down the road is still angry at me...

Leon: Now, I'm on my own, again. But probably only for 2 seconds so I'd better get a move on. (Rubs his hands together) Now to go in.

SCENE XVI - The clearing - January 1st, 2500 AD

(The waiter is walking along and sees Gary)

Waiter: There he is! Oh, I should have bought scones with me. (Takes out doughnut and faces camera) Now, how to call an alien. First you get the bait, (shows doughnut close to camera) then you call the alien, but make sure you do have bait otherwise you'll have no legs by the end of it. My friend bartender did that and now he's (Starts laughing) LEGLESS! (laughs more)

(Gary walks up behind him)

Gary: G'day. I'm Gary. (Sees the doughnut) Whatcha got there?

Waiter: (Jumps up in fright) Oh! You gave me a fright there young alien. (Points to doughnut) This is a doughnut, you can have it if you like.

(Gary grabs for doughnut, the Waiter hides it behind his back)

Waiter: No! You've got to earn your lunch snack, and if you've been extra good, you can have a scone and a rock cake!

Gary: (laid back) What do you want to know? (Swigs "Gary" again)

Waiter: What is that stuff you drink? I used to be a waiter on a restaurant ship off the local black hole up there, and I've never heard of it!!

Gary: Its "Gary". Y'know, Gary. Chocolate milk!

(Waiter hands the doughnut to Gary. Gary takes a bite of it.)

Waiter: (Amazed) Of all my training at New New New France III, I'd never heard of Gary! A kind of flavoured cows milk eh?

SCENE XVII - Nowhere! - 2500

Waiter: This is me from a later time. Today, I remembered the time I found out about "Gary", the flavoured cow's milk. Not milk from a Rigellian Silicow, because its udder...

(Fades out)

Waiter: Hey!

SCENE XVIII - Nowhere - 2501?

(Fades in)

Waiter: This is me later from me later. These are actually a sort of flashforward! Now I am stopping the previous message because the Rigellian Silicow is not suitable for this show. In fact, even Gary isn't a suitable alien. But, enough of me back to the...

(Fades out)

Waiter: Stop it!

SCENE XIX - Nowhere - 2502?

(Fades in)

Waiter: He, I mean me, was going to say "back to the show", but he/me forgot to say something. That something is... (Shouts) WATCH OUT FOR THAT THING BEHIND YOU!

SCENE XX - Nowhere (That's original!) - 2501?

Waiter: Oh, yeah! Sorry about that! I've had a lot to do lately. So me before, (shouts) RUN! SAVE US SO THAT YOU CAN DO THIS NOW! (normal voice) Ahem! Thank you!

(Fades out)

SCENE XXI - Nowhere - 2500

(Fades in)

(Waiter is pointing to complicated diagram on wall. Piece of meat is on bench)

Waiter: (Continuing on) ... and that's the body of the Rigellian Silicow and how I dissected it. (Throws piece of meat away) Oh! And recent me (shouts) GO AND FIND THE GENERAL! HE'LL HELP!

SCENE XXII - The clearing - January 1st, 2500 AD

(Waiter is alone, looking at camera, shocked)

Waiter: Whoa! (Annoyed) Could you leave me alone? There's no one to run from, but Gary. And he's harmless enough, aren't you Gary?

Gary/Monster: (voice-only) That's what you think! Grroooaaaar!

(The waiter looks up and looks terrified)

Waiter: Oh crumbs! He must have gone hypo from the sugar in the doughnut!

(Zooms up and shows Gary as a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex, starts stomping round, flashes back to waiter)

Waiter: (Dubbed) Oh! No! It is Garyzilla, a Jurassic Park dropout! I must feed him another doughnut so that the sugar will hype him so much that he will fall asleep. (Gets ready to throw the doughnut)

( Show doughnut being thrown and Gary/Monster eats it)

Gary/Monster: Fool! Feeding me sugar only makes my stronger, and better. For I am Monster Gary! Grooar!

(Cuts back to Waiter below. Crunching and snapping noises are heard)

Waiter: Gary is changing again. (To camera, amazed) Would you believe it? Sugar makes him stronger, not just once, but any time at all! How about that!

(Shows Gary/Monster as giant chocolate milk, Gary growls)

Waiter: (calmly) I think its time for me to run. (Petrified) Agghhhhh! Its going to kill us all!!! (Runs off)

(Gary/Monster is shown "stomping" around)

Gary/Monster: Grrroaar! Now to squoosh the Waiter, the General & Leon, for I am Monster Gary! More sugar! Grrraoooor! ("stomps" off)

SCENE XXIII - Zorg's Territory - January 1st, 2500 AD

(Echoes of growling are heard, the General is walking around in the midst of deep forest)

General: That army guy must be mighty hungry, his stomach is awfully loud. He should have eaten some of that mud pie! (Notices sign on tree) Here we are! (in reading voice) Zorg's Territory. General, keep off or I will eat you (stops reading) Now, he's only joking, he must be. (chuckles) It and me go way back, five years in fact! He can't still be mad over that incident that happened three years ago, can he? I mean, we're good friends! Yeah! (Determined) I'm going in!

(Steps past sign when a hand grabs him by the shoulder)

General: (Looks to where hand is) Oh! Zorg! (Enthusiastically) Hi! How's it going with your time machine? (laughs nervously)

Zorg: (Off screen) Don't suck up to me!

(Camera passes general and shows Zorg, a normal looking man)

Zorg: You stepped the line, General! You know the penalty! So now... (Shows Dijon Mustard jar, full of mustard)

General: (Petrified) No! Not that! By Martian monkeys, anything but that!!!! Not the mustard!!!!!

Zorg: Yes! (Shows mustard next to face and smiles) The mustard!

General: Aggggghhhhh!

SCENE XXIV - The Temple Of Weapons - January 1st, 2500

(Leon runs in through the doorway.)

Leon: Whoa! That was a long corridor! (Notices map on wall) A map! Lets see, (reads) the Beef 5 is located on Floor 7, Aisle 3. Do not enter here on pain of death, do not touch the weapons, feed the booby traps, set off the pets or touch the time machine. From Zorg. (stops reading) Zorg? ...some kind of alien, (in realization) the one the General was after!! Now to find the Beef 5 and burn some alien carcass!

(Camera then shows jungle like scene where all is overgrown, Leon is out of shot)

Leon: (voice-only) Oh! Great!

(Camera pans around, then switches to Leon again)

Leon: Obviously, this place is boobytrapped, so I'd better watch my step. (Takes one confident step and a splat noise is heard) What did I just step in?

(Note floats out of the sky)

Leon: A message! (reads) I warned you! So you will suffer the pain! You have just stepped in neuron chili. Your feet will blister and continually fell like they are on hot coals. (stops, exclaims) What? (continues reading) If you continue, I have more in store for you - Death. I got you with this trap, imagine what I could do if you tried to get so much as a butterknife - Zorg. (laughs) Neuron Chili? Yeah, right! That's just stuff to try and scare me! It's laughable! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ah! Ahhhh! (Jumps up and down in pain) Aggghhh! My foot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Ow! (Jumps from foot to foot, almost a highland jig!) It wasn't a bluff! I'll have to be more careful. (Hops away) Ow! Ow! Ow!

SCENE XXV - Bird's eye view of forest - January 1st, 2500 AD

(Gary/Monster is waddling through the forest, screams in the background. It roars then a bucketful of water falls over. Gary/Monster. It doesn't seem to notice. Roars again)

Gary/Monster: Destruction! Carnage! I love it! (looks like it is about to swill some Gary, but then doesn't find any. It spins around searching for it) Where's my Gary? WHERE IS IT???!?

(Camera switches over to tipped over Gary on forest floor. Gary/Monster is out of shot)

Gary/Monster: I can't drink that!!! It's tiny. It must have "grown small". I now must have two things, more sugar and MORE GARY!!! (stomping is heard and giant milk carton edge squishes Gary carton) HA!HA!HA! Groaaaaaar!

SCENE XXVI - "Dinner Table" in Zorg's territory - January 1st, 2500 AD

(Zorg is wearing a napkin like a bib, knife and fork in hand. Five kinds of mustard are on the table. The only part of the General which is in shot is a mustard covered hand.)

Zorg: (Melodramatic) Now to eat you, General. Piece by piece. You ruined my time machine and I've never had revenge, but I will now! You will pay with your life (Laughs).

General: I think I've already paid by being covered in this icky mustard. I smell like a hot dog!

Zorg: (Surprised) Icky? It adds to the flavour.

(Gary/Monster's roaring is heard)

General: (to Zorg) You're as hungry as that army fellow!

Zorg: (Panicky) That wasn't me! It was... (looks up)

(show Gary/Monster roaring from a "looking up" view)

Zorg: It was that thing! RUN!!!!

General: (calmly) Well, I can't run. The mustard's set. See? (Shows hand) I'm all like a statue!

Zorg: Well I'm going to. Have a nice death, General! (Starts to run)

Gary/Monster: (Not in shot) A running little alien! And a bite to eat! Mmmmm!

General: (Annoyed) What do you take me for? A cornflake?

Gary/Monster: (Not in shot, confused) I thought you were a muesli bar!

General: No, I'm quite human, I think. I'm just covered in Dijon mustard.

Gary/Monster: (Not in shot) Dijon mustard! You're not even worth vomiting! Get away from me! (Show Gary "kicking" a mustard covered General into a lake)

Gary/Monster: And don't come back until you've washed all that icky sauce off you!!

(Switches back to a cowering Zorg. Gary/Monster is again out of shot)

Gary/Monster: As for you, hapless victim, prepare to be squooshed!

Zorg: (Pleading) No! Please, don't!! (Gets down on his knees) I'll do anything just please don't squoosh me!

Gary/Monster: I can have anything I want! For I am Monster Gary! Now, (angrier than usual) prepare to be squooshed!!!

Zorg: Nooooooo!!!

(Show Gary squooshing Zorg under carton corner. Jam comes out from underneath.)

Gary/Monster: More sugar! More Gary! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

SCENE XXVII - Nowhere - 2500

Waiter: Oh good! I'm back! I wasn't there for nearly three minutes! Terrible! Now kiddies (Comes close to camera, voice lowered) That wasn't blood that you just saw, and I can't fool you by saying he fell on a tomato, since tomatoes aren't that big. It was actually (looks both ways to make sure no one is listening) jam! You see, Zorg was a jam based life form! No blood, only jam oozing through his veins and through his sugar coated heart. So when he got squooshed, SPLAT, lots of sandwiches for all the bugs on the forest floor! A bit of dumb science for you, simple as that. Now back to the story!

SCENE XXVIII - Temple of Weapons - January 1st, 2500

(Leon has seemed to have recovered from the effects of the Neuron Chili. Hears Gary/Monster's growling. Spins around)

Leon: There must be a monster in here! I hope I didn't set its cage open! (reads sign) Now I'm up to Aisle 2 on Floor 7, I've nearly made it! (Keeps walking until he sees a sign with "Aisle 3" written on it) Aisle 3!! I made it! (Holds sign to catch breath)

(Alarms start to go off. Leon is alarmed.)

Leon: (annoyed) Oh f... (rest of what he says is drowned out by alarms)

(Alarms stop)

Leon: Must have been to scare me off! (Gulps) I hope! I need a rest, I've never seen so many stairs.

(Catches breath for a while, a round light suddenly appears next to Leon)

Hippie Ball: Tada!!!!!!!!

Leon: (Shocked) What the hell is that?

Hippie Ball: I am a "who" not a "what". I'm a hippie ball, man! You let me free by setting off the trap, so I will reward you! Everything I touch turns hippie! So...

Leon: (Begging) No! Not a hippie! A Neo-Hippie maybe, but not a hippie!!! Agghhh!! (runs off, hippie ball follows down Aisle 3)

Hippie Ball: Join the groovy centre, man!!!

Leon: Never! Agghhh!! (sprints off) Help me!!!! Help!!!!!!!!!!

SCENE XXIX - Outside the Temple of Weapons - January 1st, 2500 AD

(The General walks on screen, wet and injured)

General: (in pain) Ohh! My head! My back! My... er... everything! I knew that the mustard was bad for you, but this? Ouch! (Springs into action as if he'd never been hurt) Now where's that army guy? He can help me with this ugly Gary nasty!

Gary/Monster: (Off screen) Ugly, eh? Well, well, well, if it isn't the mustard man, back for more crunchy fun! General: (Nodding dumbly, agreeing in blank voice to Gary) Yes, I'm back for more crunchy fun... (snaps out of it, then angers) Mustard man!!! Hey!!!

Gary/Monster: I'll take your first answer, contestant. Lets see if you get the jackpot in "Gary of Sqooshing". First question: I wonder what your middle is made of...

General: (petrified) Er...caramel...You don't like caramel, do you? (starts whimpering)

(Waiter runs in, panicky, doesn't notice Gary)

Waiter: (quickly) General! General! I made a boo boo! I gave Gary a doughnut and he grew into a monster. Then I gave him another one and he turned into something worse! He started to stomp things and...

General: (Conversation tone) Waiter, does it like mud pies?

Waiter: Well, I don't think so...

General: (desperate) THEN WE'RE ALL GOING TO DI-EEE!!

(Waiter and General stand still)

Narrator: (voice-only) Will the General & Waiter live? Will Leon turn into Leo Sunflower the hippie? Will Gary find a giant chocolate milk to drink, or will he have to drink himself? Is the General really made of caramel? Will I get to narrate more than this? Find out in the next episode of "The Adventures of Leon Chubbadanfish, the Waiter and General Breadbasket".

Waiter: Can we stop being still yet?

General: I don't think we should have!

Waiter: Put the credits on. That's always a good way out of an awkward situation! Bye everyone!

General: Who are you talking to? What's a credit?

CREDITS 2 - Credits


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"The Adventures of Leon Chubbadanfish, the Waiter and General Breadbasket" is copyright Matt Quarterstein.